Well, I am going through a big debate in my mind, and could really use some advice/help in arriving at some conclusions.

Short version of my situation, wife moved out of state saying she wanted to seperate. Found out she had an EA w/some level of PA 3 months after marriage for almost 1 year. It is over, since the 'other' wife was informed. She now lives and works out of state. We started out with NO contact between us, because of what she wanted.

I have worked at doing what level of Plan A I could through all of this. We now have two phone conversations per week, with a little bit of email on the side. I even bought her a gift of a gift certificate for a massage, which she accepted. This development is all very recent, after we finally got together face to face a couple of weeks ago.

Well, she has never stated she wants to work on the M. All's she tells me is that she doesn't know what she wants. Meanwhile, she tells others it is all over. She is willing to do counseling, but doesn't want me coming to her new location. She wants me to pay for her to fly out here. She purposefully never signs emails with any kind of affection, and leaves out as much emotion from conversations she can. She never offers up an 'I miss you/care/whatever about you', although she has stated she cares about me a couple of times after I flat out asked her if she wants it to be over.

Recently, she said she couldn't trust me to do the taxes, but finally sent the W-2s along. She was then telling me that she was scared that I was going to control her with the taxes, and was asking about them every time we talked, so I recently said 'If you are more comfortable with doing them yourself, I understand. I am just letting you know that it will be more expensive'. She said that that was OK, and would do them herself.

Now reality has hit. She owes $1500 more than she thought she did. She want's me to pay that extra amount, and still do my own taxes. If I don't this is obviously a big LB. Also, I am looking at the expense of buying her plane tickets to come out here if I want joint counseling.

Should I switch to plan B at this point? Should I just plain not pay her part of the taxes? (We had basically seperate finances during the 1 year marriage, although I paid all the bills). Can plan A possibly work under these conditions? Anyone else have a similiar 'remote' situation they had to work through?

Thanks for any thoughts,

Eric

Just curious. Why does she think you should pay $1500 for her taxes? I think your actions may be partially dictated by how much fog or selfishness is clouding her reasoning.

Because of the fact that she would have to do 'Married filing seperately', and there is a penalty for that (which I pay too). Further, she must itemize deductions, since I do as well. She didn't withold enough in some areas. I haven't talked to her about the details of how she arrived at that number yet (I am guessing she compared single vs. married filing seperately), but plan to do a bit of that.

To me it is that I am afraid I am getting used. If I pay this, and all the flights, etc. with zero level of commitment on my part, am I plan 'A'ing myself into getting used? Further, am I actually going to get anywhere with Plan A since we basically have so little contact?

Further, one thing that really bugged me is she came to personal 'insight' the other day that she hid things from me since 'She needed to do things to make people feel good'. So basically it was another justification statement about why she did bad things, yet previously I had apologized for not meeting her needs without any justification on my part (Plan A style stuff).

Seperable issues, but this could be a turning point that would really put the pressure on in how much I was really doing for her, and continue to do....

Thoughts?

Eric

I'm wondering the same thing EST is, what's up with her wanting YOU to pay HER portion of taxes?

Plan A is NOT becoming a doormat, and IMHO, if those are HER taxes, then she pays them. I mean, first she was not trusting of you to do the taxes, and now she trusts you enough to pay what SHE OWES? Just doesn't sound quite right to me.

Also, this thing about her not allowing you to come where she lives. BIG RED FLAG there. Sorry for saying so, Eric .... but when a spouse requires this degree of privacy, they are most certainly hiding something. Regardless, I'd stay in Plan A for now yet politely decline her offer to have you pay HER taxes.

In the meantime, I will bump Distressed's "Misapplication of Plan A" thread for you to read, Hon. I hope it helps you.

Take good care,
Jo

Read the post titled "misapplication of plan A". It sounds like you need to go to a firm Plan B.

Do you guys have any children? If so, then one of you could claim a child as a dependant and the other one could file as head of household?

I don't know, I don't want to give any bad advice, but if I were you, I would call 1800TAX1040 and see what they say. They are very helpful and will offer suggestions regarding all your options.

We have no children. I am actually pretty good at doing tax stuff, since my parents had me involved with it since I was a kid. It is perfectly within my legal rights to do 'married filing seperately'. It means that we are both responsible for our own tax liabilities. The problem comes is that if either person itemizes, we must BOTH itemize. The house, mortage, etc. are all in my name, and were paid for by me during the whole marriage. Therefore, she doesn't have many deductions, and wasn't withholding enought.

In reality, legally, she is stuck. I just know that this will be a major LB if I don't help her on it. That said, we are seperated, and she is BARELY doing anything to work on things. This could be the catylist, but I she will view it as I am manipulating her with money. She has done a great job convincing herself that the affair was my fault, and I deserved it.

Hope this clarifies things a little,

Eric

Eric, how old are you? How old is she? How long have you been married?

I am age 33, she is age 31. We were married in October of 2002. The A started in January of 2003. She moved out the first of Feb of this year..... Our finances have been, and basically are, seperate. We didn't even combine any accounts beyond one simple loan of not too much money.

Eric

Doh! You can tell how confused I am. That should be October of 2001, and A started in Jan. of 2002.

Eric

OK, Eric - I'm gonna depart from the norm here.

Cut your losses.

Do what you need to do to protect your assets and divorce this woman.

You're young enough to start over fresh, you have no kids, and you don't have a lot invested in this.

Just another opinion, which is what you asked for, right?

WAT

Well, my problem is that when I lend out my heart anyone, which doesn't happen too often, I go whole hog on it. So in my own weird way, I have a ton invested into it at this point from an emotional stand point.

I don't think it matters too much anyways. I didn't even tell her yet my decision when we talked last night, and she jumped down my throat that I 'didn't really care for her', etc. since I wouldn't do the taxes. Then, things went downhill into the same old stupid arguments. LB on both sides, although she doesn't see any of this as her doing.

So I sent her a nice email today describing how I felt, and that I needed some personal risk on her part into doing the taxes, and we might find a compromise. Instead, she is latently threatening me by telling me, never mind, I will just do them myself, and letting all of the other caveats stay unanswered. I am bashed down by her yet one more time.

Half of me wants to jump up and do them jointly and send them along to show her I still care. The other half realizes that I gave her an opportunity to work on a compromise, and I got shot down and set up yet one more time.

I am SOOO confused and tired,

Eric

Eric,

You may have invested heavily in this marriage but she did not. What 5 months after marriage she has an affair and then moves out of state. Hello, Eric, there is little to be confused about,except one thing. Why she hasn't filed for divorce. My bet she is driving you to do it.

In this case I would give her what she wants: the divorce, but keep the money. Eric, this woman is a taker, and you two don't have children to consider.

So consider that you are young and have a whole life ahead of you. Do you want to spend it like this? Pretty surprising WAT and I giving you a very None MB answer, but you have in fact done plan A and it hasn't worked. The next step is plan B and I mean a strick plan B. But, if you do that then realize that with no children there is little for her to come back to.

You have options Eric, interestingly she doesn't. IN that you can go or come and know you did the right thing. She cannot do that.

I would exercise the option of going if I were in your situation. I realize that this hurts. I am sure WAT feels the same way, but some marriage don't make it, and some people probably be married. Your W seems to fall into this class.

If you do nothing else consider no contact. It will cut down on your LB's and eliminate hers as well.

God Bless,

JL