HI, I am a twenty one year old young man who has recently become friends with a fourty two year old woman. I became friends with this woman after one night of dancing at a local dance club. Since then the two of us seem to be getting along just fine without any physical inclinations of lustfull desires for either of us.
I am speaking on my behalf but I am sure my friend feels the same. I am of the philosophy that: If someone ,regardless of age, can somehow enrich your life and share experiences that have not yet been encountered, than by all means build a mutual friendship. With that I am posing this question to any who wish to share advice or perspectives on my situation for I am not seeing "eye to eye" with my mother whom I love dearly but am perplexed constantly by her need to expell older "Human Beings" from my life. My Mother stands by the premise that this woman is a sexual predator waiting to "pounce" on my innocence. I on the otherhand am prepared for this woman's attempt at romance, if there are any.
So, please send insight for my mother and I are being held back from natural relationship evolution/progression by this situation/person.

PS. If any info is needed on the details of the relationship I am not opposed.
Thanx

Hello,

This is just an opinion as a mom, but a mom who's been there herself (younger woman, older man, before marriage).

I'm a little wary of 40'ish women who hang out at clubs with 20 year olds. Sorry to burst your bubble, but she has designs on you, even if you don't have any on her. There are lecherous women, just as there are lecherous men. Anyone who cannot find companionship with someone a little closer to their own age has some issues you don't want to be 'enlightened' about, IMHO. I don't think your mom is trying to sheild you from older human beings, just the SCARY ones. We ladies know when another of our gender is on the prowl. Let her find another Boy Toy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm confused. Based on the sig line, you are not Mayflower, are you Mayflowers younger friend?

I am 44 years old, I have 2 sons who are 20, I just don't see where this relationship can really work, but then I am looking at it from a mother's perspective. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Oh sorry, you are Mayflower's son. I have to wonder about a 40ish woman going after you, please consider looking for companionship somewhere else. This most certainly sounds like trouble to me.

Yo, I understand both of your positions, but please bear with me. I am not going to let this supposed "leacherous" woman fleece me. Even if she has designs for me I wont let it happen no matter the pressure. I have will power thanks to the lord and I'll be damned if I'm going to let someone Im not attracted to manipulate me.
If she is really looking for a young companion I am not her toy rather her friend who is very observent and opinionated -- you can tell by the response.

Hi,

I am a 42 year old woman, with you sons, so I cannot relate to the mom's of 20+ year old children. I do question what you two could have in common. I have acquantances with young men in their 20's at my work, but I do not have a friendship with them. We have nothing in common. We talk about general stuff.

I also question women in their 40's who hang out at bars that is frequented with young people in their 20's. It says to me that this woman is trying to hang on to her youth, by hanging out with younger people. It is a great sign of immaturity.

I also see that this women is probably attracted to you because, well, lets face it, there are not too many men our age that are available, and of those that are, there are very few of quality. (this is not a slam at the quality availble men in their 40's, but lets face facts here, most of the good ones are taken, and their wives recognize that they are keepers.)

Hello again,

You sound like a fine young man, no doubt your mom is well aware of this. I am glad that you feel strong enough to resist the temptation if it comes. But it's always easier to resist when it's not in your face in the heat of the moment, IMHO. You won't know for sure until it happens (and I'm not saying it WILL). If it does, just remember the Lord always leaves a way of escape.

I do have a couple of questions: first, has the issue come up between you and your friend, if only in passing? Second, what do you *specifically* hope to give/gain in this relationship?

You must understand, many people on this board have well developed BullS*** detectors. Your mom sounds like one of them. From reading her bio, it sounds as if she's had her share of pain and suffering in relationships, and would like to spare you unnecessary pain. I think in this instance, you should enjoy the benefit of her experience and walk away from this person.

Best Wishes!

Hi this is me mayflower (mom) and have given my son permission to use my space.

Indeed this older 42 woman "friendship" or "flagship" issues/designs on my son has obviously produced a great deal of friction/tension between my son/I mother and son relationship/bonds.

Since the issue is so sensitive, my son suggested we opt to bring this delicate issue to the forum to collaborately gain a greater perspective, clarity and do some constructive family problem solving.

I believe he has come up with a most excellent proposal approach in handling our conflict.

Sorry if it caused some confusion here on the board but the issues for me is my GREAT LOVE for my son and natural parental heart concerns for my son best interests, above all his emotional/spiritual well being.

As everyone above can tell my son and I are struggling and very much divided over the nature/quality/underlying motives of the age gap and gender issues here with this 42 year old woman lack of character, conduct and competancy.

Boundries lines are blurred, the fog or "awaxing" has settled in, the radar is scrambled and the heavy gaming/manuvering is on.

I indeed perceive this 42 old woman character/intentions to be less than honorable and inappropiate towards my son both on a conscious and subconsious level.

My reality of the situaion is that my son is her target of prey and an "rouse" to bring him down. It would appear she is using friendship tactic as nothing more than a guise and reveals she is lost misguided empty soul.

Her obvious usage of overt/covert suggestive tactics in attempting to win him over is perdictable like clockwork the short hand of seduction and the other hand frienship hooks coming in at him at every angle from the dark side in her attempts to take my son down her misguided new age spirituality path, of no boundries, great souls connecting, the karma factor,etc...

The age factor issue,in fact has been my deepest prayer that my son would connect with some solid mature older men along his journey that could provide him with a measure of healthy mentorship to assist and offer him guidance/insight into journey and true spririt of mature manhood.

I also greatly appreciate the healthy, appropiate wisdom, balanced insight and considerations from all you mature ladies/moms with life experince that have thus far responded.

Mayflower Jnr.,

I note that most people responding here were females, so here is my $0.02 as a father of two sons your age (20 and 21). I will not try to advise you in any way, that would be presumptuous, but I will offer you my opinion, for what its worth.

This does seem strange, a 40+ woman hanging out in bars with 20+ youngsters. Her motives are definitely suspect, for whatever reason. You sound like a mature young man, sure of yourself and with trust in your ability to handle any situation that life might throw at you. My question to you is this:

What kind of relationship do you think this person is interested in? Meeting of the minds &#8211; don&#8217;t think so, the age gap precludes this. Romance &#8211; not really, because look how it will be perceived, she has a toyboy and you have a mommy. One can carry on in this way, but only she knows the real motive.

IMHO nothing really good can come from this. I have learned over the years that a mom&#8217;s gut feel is calibrated to a fine pitch. Listen to her, she cares about you. Find that compromise that will not damage your relationship &#8211; its worth infinitely more than the other person.

Good luck

Mayflower Jr.
You are lucky to have such a loving mother, cherish her! As you can see from the responses here, many of think that this relationship is just not "right". Thats not to say that age is the most important factor in a relationship, but in this case I think that the woman is out of line.

You need to think of your future, what kind of woman you want to spend your life with eventually. It really looks like this "friendship" is going to lead to much more and I don't see how it could be in your best interest. As others have said, she gets a toyboy and you get a mommy. You don't need that!

My 20 year old sons went to a very fancy New Years Eve party at a downtown hotel, it was mostly college students. They came home and told me that they were horrified that a bunch of 40ish divorced women tried to pick them up. The actually said: "It was disgusting, they could have been YOUR friends!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Anyway, for what it's worth I would run and not look back!

Well it is me again.

I was reading the last womans reply and I noticed specifically the example of your sons. Given that each individual is different within every situation, I am still presenting the principle that a "Romantic Relationship" is out of the question. For one: I know I dont want to be with a woman twice my age not even if she was Celine Dionne, Raquel Welch or Sophia Loren. Two: Why would I deny all the women of my age group of me? Let me clarify. I am twenty one years old with tons of life to be explored. I explore all avenues of life without prejudice, for I find that prejudices can limit the simple glorious answers that the universe and God have in store. Also, I wish to enjoy this world, future and present with someone who has roughly the same amount of life/age experience as me so that control or authoritative issues do not arise.
Now if I were in your sons place at the time of mention I too would feel disgusted that "Vampyres" would be trying to feed off my inexperienced innocence. Also, I have been in that position where older women have tried to take advantage and I thwarted their perverse attempts right quick without any delay. And that is what made me want to bring this issue to this forum. This woman has her motives for our relationship. I wish to persue nothing more than a connection that I would have with any other person I have encountered that happens to enjoy things such as I. Basically I am aware of the potential for perverse complexities arising, but I will meet those challenges with God's strength and my Mother's love. Was Socrates not older than Plato or Aristotle? Not that this is that case but she may be trying to retain her youth so why must I alienate those who do? Unless I am totally naive and gullible and in need of another mom which I am NOT. Thanx.

Here's my opinion: I don't think there's too much of a problem with the possible friendship. I believe, the problem (perceieved problem) lies in how you met this woman.

Let's face it gang... if he met her at church, and they started talking about the sermon after the service was over, and planned on meeting regularly outside of church, would this be an issue? I doubt it.

Mayflower Jr: YOUR capabilities of making and maintaining healthy friendships and relationships isn't really this issue... the unknown motives of this woman is the issue.

How about stepping outside of your situation for a moment. What would you think if a friend of yours, same age as you, met a woman at a club, same age as her, and wanted to build a R (relationships INCLUDE friendships) with her? How would you feel about it? What about if the sexes were reversed. If the 21 yr old was a woman, and the 40 yr old was a man? How appropriate do you think this R would be?

I'm just trying to add a slightly different dimension to it. It's hard for me to go by age, as I"m in the middle of you both... just turned 30. However, in general, my preference in age difference (either way) is to NOT exceed 12 yrs. Beyond that, I find there is very little I can have in common with the other person. Perhaps this is a boundary you may care to explore for yourself?

Karen

Hi mayflower Jr.,

Your mom posts for me to get to your thread. Here I am and I will bring in a man, 40 years old, point of view. I will be blunt since you seems much more mature than normal 21 years old guys.

As you stated ... age is not an issues to get to fullfilin relationship, I agreed. As we know now, race is not an issue, for same people even gender <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> is not an issue. I will leave God and social norm/morality alone, you get badger on it by now. I will present you my point of view.

The impact of Dv on a child could be trace even 25 years later (study by Stanford reseacher). Yours just shows up now. I do beleive you are closer to your mom than to your dad. I do beleive you noticed your dad's A since very young age. However seeing the impact on your mom appalled you from become one. That is good, you mom did a very good job. Everyone need a father figure, not discounting a mom role but there are more and more research pointed out that father role shapes the child since mother role in a child mostly rearing. I was a victim too, I found out at age 10 years old that my father was once infidel and even has a OC. I found out 5 years after the A was ended. My mom tried to hide it and my mom doing some kind of plan A and get him back and my dad did a NC w/ OW & OC but only sending money to support the OC. What is the impact on me ?. I am getting closer to my mom and never to my dad. I decided back then that I would not stray and will give myself only to the one that I love. I was leaving the house at very young age, 16 for 2 years then 2 years later I left the country for college here in US. I do not have a male guidance and affectionate is not on my vocabulary !. I burried my self with male figures from "oriental comics", I dreamed to be a swordman, a hero, romantic but dead at the end. I learn about female or courting female from freinds. I can't talk about sex with my mom !. I wasn't equipped to select my mate !. There are many warning sign but I have no one to really help me out. What this got to do with you ? ... Like it or not, this mess is shaping you and influencing you as a person. I hope you realize that you need conseling and you need a male figure. I really hope you have a male figure to talk to ... a respectable uncle, or someone that you could look up to. You need someone to talk about "male talk". Someone that you could talk about this WF (woman friend) of yours and get a male prospective in private. I don't know how your R started but I could only guess that you find that this WF is easy to talk to about anything. Even talk about things that you won't talk with your mom. You find this woman is not like girls around your age, specially younger !. How many girl freinds did you have before this R that you consider intimate and what were their age in contrast with yours ?.

Is this R wrong ?. You decide but look closely what lies ahead of you first. I hope you get married soon to her since her biological clock is ticking loudly unless you given up to have kids on your own. I hope you don't like sex much since you will be active for long time and reach your peak while hers is slowly dying. I hope you know that you will be alone looking at the sunset. I hope she has a very good health since you might have to take care of her. You will probably say those don't matter ... I would challenge you to read giver/taker, you might be able to let your giver to overcome those in short term however your taker will take over with vengence. Would it be a happy R ? My point ?, First, I would like you to answer if this R would work and why ? and forget about right or wrong. Then I would like you to answer, honestly, what are you looking in this R ?.

-rh-