He had a very bad day yesterday, the third of our three used cars broke down, I had to get a company car and help tow him home, boy that was fun!<P>He has been alternately very moody and downright mean and snippy, I've been taking it as a good sign that maybe it's cooling off between them?<P>I've realized that if I don't respond to his snipes he will apologize very soon. This is a brand new behavior for him, apologizing.<P>On top of everything else he has been unemployed for about 2 months now.<P>Last night against my better judgement I went out for "a drink" with him, we left at 10pm, didn't get home until 2am.<P>I ended up telling him what my boss thinks of him, as in he is not good enough for me.<P>If he only knew how many other people have actually said the same thing to me.<P>Well, this upset him greatly, I think he believed that he had a good cover going, but he said he had suspected by the way my boss looks at him.<P>By the time we got home it was "How long have you known? How could you let me go there to pick you up kowing they feel thay way? Do you have any idea what I'm feeling now?"<P>My response was "This is how much I love you. My boss is projecting; his daughter is involved with an unsavory guy". <P>He was very irate but said it wasn't my fault, but became more agitated and finally grabbed his keys and walked out after barking at me "Go to sleep, go to sleep". In his mind that is the absolute worse thing I could do, call in sick, make a bad showing at work, etc. <P>Well he called right away on his cell, but just stick the knife in my heart, he actually said "Go to sleep" and blamed the stupid phone for misdialing. It is very obvious who he was calling and where he went as he never returned by the time I left for work this morning.<P>I feel a tremendous loss of love for him, it's too bad just when it looked like things might actually be "getting worse before they get better".<P>I was going to leave a message on our phone like "Don't worry about my boss, he knows nothing about (her); he's just protective of me, blah blah blah".<P>I'm telling myself this morning that I'm in Plan B, it really helps.<P>I have a meeting tonight so this will be 12 hour day on top of 3 hours of sleep. I did this to myself.<P>It is sad to see a man crumble in front of you; I feel bad right now that I had any part in it by telling him what my boss thinks of him, even though he suspected as much.<P>He will come home eventually, he has never stayed away more than 12 hours. Doesn't it suck that I actually have a history of his taking off to compare?<P>They met 2 years ago this month; when we were separated. I moved back a year ago, he forgot to stop seeing her. ha ha ha<P>He says he has to do it his way, I could write a book, but I have actually seen progress until his unbearable attitude towards me this last week.<P>Ah hell.<P>

Telling you to go to sleep after acting that way? What does he expect you to do? It sounds as though you really wanted him to know what your boss thought of him, is this because you want him to do better to project himself as a better person? Or are you hoping he would defend himself to you and your boss? It kind of sounds like a back handed compliment, this is how much I love you, even though my boss thinks your junk! I don't mean to be critical but I truly think you should think a little more about where you are coming from, is this the reaction that you wanted from him? It just sounds as though your in doubt yourself. I think both of you need to make a commitment one way or the other, to stay married and really devote yourself to each other, or to leave. I don't mean to be mean about this, it just brings back really bad memories of the years I wasted on my first marriage because I was doing all the work. Now I am in a troubled marriage but life is different because there are two of us working on it. Either way, I wish you luck and I will pray for you!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

Chick's<P>Very interesting take on things, I'm so used to people saying kick him to the curb.<P>Yes I want this relationship, I think he does too. He has never said he doesn't. He has never moved out. He always talks of our future plans, he always talks about "us".<P>But he is in a very dark place right now, he is starting to look around and see that he has ignored friends, family, automobiles and the household so that all are in a state of disrepair. He said he has been a f***ed-up person lately. I didn't need to add fuel to the fire like I did last night.<P>I feel bad this morning because he is down and I kicked him verbally.<P>He talks of loading up the truck (yes the one that broke down last night) with plywood and driving to our friend's at Cape Canavaral to help her prepare for the hurricane. But we live on the opposite coast. The opposite coast of the US, not the state of Florida.<P>He's living in a fantasy world and the word he uses most often to describe himself lately is SCARED. 35 and unemployed is not where he thought he would be right now.<P>But enough about him, thank the Good Lord I don't have a hangover.<P>I will see him soon enough (H, not the Good Lord I hope ) and we will have another chance to have a pleasant evening. I am thankful he is home, he has never moved out, we are both healthy and I am employed.<P>Thanks chick's.<P>jt<P>

I for one wish people would! put the spouses who left in thier places... (freinds, family and all) not to get them angry, just to show/tell them their moral values they all have and let the spouses know that they disagree with thier choices.. I don`t feel it is so harmful, if put in such a way, of not offending, to be honest about how one feels about it. most do not want to get involved, between the two, but if the world would work in sinc to what should be a better place to live... it might start the ball rolling to changes, in our futures, with values/morals/parenting... this should be unacceptable... unless proven in court other wise....<P>society all live as the three monkeys...! it is time people show thier true meaning to/of humanity.. be heard from of thier true inner feelings... being totally honesty.. all around... put these self indulgent people in their places..... show those who are decietful.. it is un-exceptable from thier point of view... (unless totally abusive) <P>by not doing so, we, as a society are letting this happen, and they are all getting away with this, (adultry) and the children are the ones who truely loose the most from this... being shown no effort.. with the laws making it all to easy for our spouses to leave.. and turning their backs, shutting those doors to communication, and allowing this to keep happening... <P>what are we teaching the children? how to walk away if you can`t handle it...! don`t try/enforce counceling. It`s just all too darn easy... thats all their is to it...!<P>AV<BR>

You sound so "DOWN" on yourself about expressing your Boss's feelings about your<BR>husband's infidelity to your husband. It <BR>seems your husband is more concerned with OTHER people's opinion of him, than YOUR opinion of him. Something you are very much aware of. By expressing this to him, didn't you really want him to stop seeing the other person? If not for you and your relationship<BR>(which he is placing second), then for people he wants to impress? <BR>I ask this only because my husband is more concerned with what others say, and their opinions, rather than mine. When he thinks, or is told that he is treating me badly by<BR>another person, he actually makes an effort to change. When it is simply myself who asks him to stop his behavior, I am ignored. Do you feel the same? If so, it is a very painful place to be. <p>[This message has been edited by ckasinec (edited September 15, 1999).]

ckasinec,<P>My boss doesn't know about the big "I"; but rather is making an observation over the last 5 years or so of seeing me move in, move out, move back in, problems with transportation, etc.<P>The clincher was last May when I had a "fender bender" in a company car; I told them the truth; although not the entire story, about how I came home from a night out w/the girls, H wasn't home, I thought I knew where he was; went to find him and had the accident. $2000 worth of damage (to the car and my self esteem). H wasn't there afterall. Boss probably drew his own conclusions.<P>ANYWAY it's not like I'm real obsessed about this, but I think I told him under the influence of Stoly & Cran because I wanted to hurt him back. Not very pretty but the truth.<P>Yesterday was hard, but today I feel much better. H assumes *everybody* knows (family, friends, coworkers) but that is simply not the case. Thanks to MB & it's posters, I've learned the hard way not to spill to everybody when you're not even sure what you want.<P>Last night H said I looked "at peace"; something he hadn't seen in long time.<P>jt<P><BR>

HI JT,<BR>Maybe I am confused, so help me out. Are you in plan b? Or in plan A? Or something in between? <BR>Yes, he had a bad day as you did too. I am glad you are feeling better today. It sounds like there is an awful lot of stress around your house-car issues, job issues, infidelity, Floyd. Gee, if that is not enough, what else? <BR>I agree with what the others said that he seems more concerned about what people think than how you feel. Immature and selfish behavior? What I do not understand is why you told him how your boss felt? Sometimes we say things that we know will hurt someone else, or they just come out in the conversation. I am not being critical at all, just think I must have missed something.<BR>I know I did a lot better dealing with h when I listened to my heart. I quit telling others about anything negative-it took away their ammo! <BR>Stay safe down there. cl

Hey cl,<P>I have a smile on my face right now because he called just to check in and said "I hope you're having a nice day".<P>He doesn't do that very often, we usually only call each other during the work day if it's "important".<P>I am in Plan A, H is at home, has never left.<P>The confusion probably comes from this: We separated a couple of years ago, I moved out for issues unrelated to infidelity. He started a new relationship 8 months after I moved out. I moved back in after a year and a half. We've been living together again for over a year now. 15 months or so.<P>You are totally dead on when you surmise I said that to hurt him. That's why I felt bad. <P>I totally agree it's best to keep negative things to yourself, at first when I was spilling my guts to friends; all the ones affected by infidelity who were divorced (all of them actually) were real negative...kick him out, once a cheater always, etc.<P>Don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found this site and these stories.<P>Even if we don't stay together I am a better person I feel. Right now our plan is to stay together.<P>BTW - we are on the opposite coast of Floyd, but our dear friends whom we visited in July live one beach over from Daytona, but it looks like everything will be OK. H wanted to drive a truck load of plywood to their home, 3000 miles, I took it as a sign of how much he wants to get away from this mess! Not me of course .......<P>Take care all, jt