My IC (former MC) said that it is clear to her now that my H has pursuer/avoider syndrome. She mapped it out and showed me how every time my H feels me pulling away he comes around but every time I come closer to him, he runs to the OW. This is what is accounting for the roller-coaster that I’ve been on for the last 8 months.

She said that I MUST separate emotionally from him or that I will eventually become sick and continue this pattern indefinitely. I said does this mean that I have to divorce him. She said that divorce doesn’t have anything to do with it and that plenty of people divorce without stopping this madness. I asked her “does this mean there is no hope for us.” She said , “the right, answer is “no” there is no hope. Certainly not this year with this man.” She then gave me a big talk about how to not be drawn in by him when he comes back again. She said that he needs IC but that she can’t be the one to be his IC any more because of her alliance with me and the fact that she had been our MC.

Does anyone know anything about this? I guess I should have pressed her for more concrete information but she speaks more in general terms. I’m pretty confused by the statement that the “right” answer is that there is no hope for us. Why would she state it like that?

OK, I'll admit I've never heard of pursuer/avoider syndrome.

Sounds like ball park WS behavior to me, or maybe I'm being overly skeptical.

Is this the only counselor you've worked with? Perhaps you need another opinion.

I suppose everything is a syndrome, but this is human behaviour 101. Many people (who make poor marriage material) simply live their lives this way. They just focus on themself, and give as little as possible to get what they want. You serve some purpose to him, so he gives you the minimum it takes to keep you, when you leave he exerts a little more effort to get you back, then goes off and does whatever else he wants. If you make the price high enough (ie no backsliding, rules of protection, counselling, etc.), he will probably "quit" at some point. This has nothing to do with "love", is just plain ole using someone, and a marriage that is an enabling co-dependentcy (with you as the rescuer no doubt). Will it change? Counsellor said no, that is the correct answer, cause it rarely does, personality disorders are pretty much fixed in people. It could change, there is a very very small chance, but the question is why would you devote your life to this small hope? Better to set firm, healthy boundaries, and when they are not met, grieve your loss, heal, and continue on in a healthy life with healthy relationships (now that you know how unhealthy ones work, and what they look like). If they are met, then you can explore what being married to him looks like, and whether you want to remain his wife...but you can't even contemplate that now, cause there is nothing to work with at all.

Nothing is keeping you on the roller coaster but your refusal to get off. The biggest problems people who chronically bemoan the condition of their marriage have, is their unwillingness to get real....set firm boundaries, and end the marriage when they are not met. You cannot repair a marriage with dysfunctional behaviour (regardless of their role bs/ws). If you don't want to live as you are, then don't, it is your choice.

<small>[ April 01, 2003, 11:47 AM: Message edited by: LurkingAbout ]</small>

p

<small>[ April 13, 2003, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Just one thought on this. I am always nervous about relationship advice given by a book that is clearly indicating a female vs. male role in things. If you look at the example, it is always 'she' who is the pursuer, and 'he' who is the distancer. This raises a red flag for me.

That is not to say that these kinds of basic human behaviors don't exist. I clearly am in a situation like this, but the roles are quite reversed.

It is a great idea to set boundaries and stick to them, no matter which 'role' you are in. Then it comes down to the question of are either of you willing to work towards those boundaries.

Right now, I am having a hard time with this myself. I am struggling over how far backward I should bend over to help us with our trust issues, and it is not nearly as cut or dry as it would seem. Things are just rarely that simple.

Eric

Thank you for your responses.

BHAA - Thank you for the summary. I hadn't been able to find any information on this anywhere else. A lot of it really seems to be on target with what is going on with me and H and our patterns in the past. Me as caretaker, he as procrastinator. I have been doing a good plan B over the last week or so and hope to continue. I've been feeling much better - not so used (i.e. him spending "family" time with me and then going to OW's later). I think that maybe when IC said the "right" answer is that there is no hope was that she was saying the only way that there could be hope is if I give up all hope and completely disengage from this relationship and my pursuit. During this conversation she said she would "bet her 26 year career as a therapist" on what she was telling me. I don't think this is something she would say lightly - and since I'm too close to the situation to see clearly - I'm following her advice. I'm completely letting go. I'm doing Plan B with no expectation that we will be together in the future. It feels wrong but I've got to follow the advice of the experts.

Also, BHAA - we've had some physical abuse issues come up in the last year or so too. Recently when I was 8 mths pregnant and the other after he "broke up with" OW. Yuck!

Harville Hendrix in his book "Getting the Love You Want" calls them fuser/isolater but it is the same concept. I think the divorcebusting books has something on the distancer/Pusuer but I thinks she may use different terms.

T

<small>[ April 13, 2003, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>