Iam having an affair, where do i start to end it? I am in the process of falling in love with this other person. Everytime we meet a get a little more involved. I don't want to leave my family (husband 5 yrs, teo boys 1 and 4 )but I fantacise about it. I panic when I think I almost get caught and swear i'll never see him again but a couple weeks go by and I have to see him again, or I think I can just be "friends". I want to tell my husband because he is my best friend I need his support through this but i can't expect that. I feel like I'm in a hole. It physically hurts to think of giving up my lover. I look forward to getting closer to him but at the same time it scares me to death. I feel like I'm right at the point of no return but i'm to confused to turn back. I feel like I'm addicted to my lover but at the same time I feel like I really love him and he's the one I should be with. This is making me a nervous wreck and I can't take it anymore. ANd I can't talk to anybody about it. I am A horrible horrible person.

Saphire, I am having a affair also. And I am also married an d have 1 year old child. I feel just like you, feeling so trapped by the feeling of being with that other someone else instead of my husband, for feeling so good and understood and being taking cared and loved. I understand you because i so deeply feel I should be with him but I really dont want to hurt,most of all my baby, and to be selfish with them for the reason of having what I long for so much with my secret love. Im new in this forum so maybe we can talk about it and deal with these encountered feelings.

Saphire,

First thing you need to understand that you WILL lose either your H or your OM. It must happen. If it is your H you lose your children will lose also, BIG TIME. As for what to do, let me offer the following things. First, tell your H. It will hurt him, but it will also open up dialogue that is critically needed.

I would strongly recommend that you read the articles on this board very carefully. I would also like to suggest you get a book entitled Surviving an Affair, by Harley. If you do read this book you will see many things in your situation and the reasons for them.

It is hard to give up the OM, but the cost of not doing that is very high.

God Bless,

JL

Your children are the ones who are going to loose when you get divorced. It may not happen right now but it will down the road. Your betrayal will not only scar yourself but your husband and children. Everyone looses. The fantasy that you are in will turn into a nightmare.

I completely agree. I want to let him go so what is the best way? just cold turkey, should I have a "break up" talk with him. How can I tell my husband? Isn't that just selfish? Should I just have to deal with it?
Esmerald, it sounds like were in the same boat. How long have been seeing the OM?

<small>[ April 01, 2003, 07:48 PM: Message edited by: saphire ]</small>

Saphire,

Send OM a NC (no contact) letter. You do not need to talk to him, you do not owe it to him. The other reason why you need to tell your H, is if OM gets mad, you need to tell H before OM tells H. You will get caught. It is better if your H hears it from you instead of someone else.

Every R I have been in, I knew if the guy was faithful or not. Not one of them could lie or get away with it.

Oh, one more thing, No Contact means no contact. No matter how much you want to contact him, you do not. You owe it to your H to be supportive and loving to him and your M.

I hope that you both saphire and esmerald come to this site often and educate yourselves as much and quickly as possible. I also can't say enough about the book Surviving an Affair. You both must be open minded or you wouldn't be here. Please read everything you can, it should be a real eye-opener. If your husbands are good people and have just lost touch with you like so many here you will regret letting your situations go on too long. That is garaunteed. Most people in your place would not want to hear the things we will say to you because they are too caught up in their own selfishness. I applaud you for trying to do the right thing.

Thank you, everyone is so supportive but I feel so guilty for having support. I mean I feel Like if I tell my husband all I'm doing is asking for more attention. I know I will not contact the OM, knock on wood. And I'm lucky, my OM will not contact me. How can I hurt my husband by tellling him , or what if he leaves me? I want us to come from with closer and I want him to realize why I turned to someone else, but i'm afraid our marriage isn't strong enough. God I just don't want to make the wrong choice. So if I just stay quiet and not see the other guy nothing changes and myheart still has a void, just big enough for the OM to slip back in.....How many husbands would really stay with thier wives after an affair...
I haven't had intercourse with the OM, everything else though. (He would never go all the way, I guess that his grasp on morality)

Saphire,

There are no short cuts. Please go get that book and read it. Or go to Barnes and Noble a couple of days get some coffee and read for an hour.

Most marriages seem to come apart because of failed communications. You can see that now can't you. But, most H's do seem to be able to handle this news if it is broken to them in the right conditions. What are those well they vary that is why a counselor would be useful to you.

But, believe it most do stay. Most here do their best to hang in there. Not all but most. You however will need to do some serious work on your marriage and yourself. He will to, but the problem is he doesn't know what the problem is. You do, but he doesn't so he will flounder around trying to figure out what happened.

Please read the articles on "radical honesty", the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA, and the "4 rules". I think that will get you going better.

This stuff is hard to do Saphire, but you have made the first big step. Just keep making baby steps toward your goal: a good marriage and a happy home.

Read, read, and then ask, ask.

God Bless,

JL

We want you st start reading first, then we can "communicate" with you easier since YOU will have a better understanding of your situation.

Buy hey, I am a guy and you know men have a hard time multitasking we need things clear, defined, etc. So I was reading the other night and found a statistic that I found VERY interesting. How many of these affairs actually result in the wayward folks getting married? 10%! its not love, its emotional need that proabbly has you where you are now...read and keep us informed.

Hi saphire, my situation is quite particular, since the OM is in fact the love of my life. He was the first person i ever fell in love with, as a matter of fact he was my first time. But for reasons apart from our wishes we had to split. a few months ago he called me and it was the bomb. My feelings have awaken and it´s so hard to forget him. My H and I have had problems much before OM appeared again. So he is not the reason for my terrible marriage. But I can´t help thinking what would have happened if my OM and I were together since so many years ago. I fell so trapped. But I`d like to make a decision for I am going crazy!!!! What about your story?

Starman, Thanks for your advices. Have a great day.