What happens when your lost love comes back, (too late for you)? It is worth trying to do anything to have him back? Is it true that no matter what happens, the first love never is forgotten? What do you do when you have a husband that doesn`t care so much for you and you and in the mean time your love of your life is so close and yet so far?

It can be worth it to see what might happen with an old flame. But you owe it to yourself to not look into it until after you are divorced from your H. To persue the old flame while still married, you'd most likely have to lie, cheat, lay deceit, and severely hurt your husband.

re: "first love never forgotten". Short of a lobotomy, I don't see how meaningful people get forgotten. That's a romantic babble talk based on a practical truism.

If you're looking for the healthiest thing to do, you could considering being honest with your H in an effort to save your marriage. Plan A, then Plan B. Look them up (or ask) if you need more info.

There's a good chance your H would care if he understood the consequences for not caring. It may help to share more about your situation.

I'm so glad you chose to reflect on this before taking steps that you might later regret. It shows a level of self-awareness and willingness to think that is sometimes missing from others. I know there's a lot more to your story than what you've alluded to. I've only made some educated guesses. Please feel free to share what you've been going through. We'll try not to bite.

Finally, "the grass is always greener...". So many people believe (or want to) that their first love was "meant to be" especially if something external" broke up the relationship. But while rekindled flames do have a slightly higher success rate compared to most affairs, it's still pretty low.

<small>[ April 03, 2003, 01:13 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

Hi Esmerald,
I checked to see if you have other posts and I'm going to include the quotes from those posts you made on 4/1 because this post leaves out some rather important information for those replying to you, especially given est's belief that you haven't already begun the affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am having a affair also. And I am also married an d have 1 year old child. I feel just like you, feeling so trapped by the feeling of being with that other someone else instead of my husband, for feeling so good and understood and being taking cared and loved. I understand you because i so deeply feel I should be with him but I really dont want to hurt,most of all my baby, and to be selfish with them for the reason of having what I long for so much with my secret love. Im new in this forum so maybe we can talk about it and deal with these encountered feelings. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">my situation is quite particular, since the OM is in fact the love of my life. He was the first person i ever fell in love with, as a matter of fact he was my first time. But for reasons apart from our wishes we had to split. a few months ago he called me and it was the bomb. My feelings have awaken and it´s so hard to forget him. My H and I have had problems much before OM appeared again. So he is not the reason for my terrible marriage. But I can´t help thinking what would have happened if my OM and I were together since so many years ago. I fell so trapped. But I`d like to make a decision for I am going crazy!!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If this man is the love of your life, it is important why you broke up...because otherwise, why didn't you wait for him?

You made a commitment to your husband. You've had a baby with him, which, if he's terrible, why?

If your marriage was terrible, what steps did you take (before the affair) to make it better?

Cheating on your spouse, even with your firstlove/lover is wrong and you do need to make a decision if you stay with the man you've made your vows and child with, or some guy that has no problem with having sex with an old girlfriend even if she is married.

Esmerald, what exactly are you looking to answer in this post? If you're looking for what I think you are, I'm afraid you're not going to find it here and will most likely find yourself on the receiving end of some very strong opinions.

MTD

Hi everyone, thank you for all your comments. This OM is very important to me. I met him about 15 years ago. We met and fell in love, but the main obstacle was, he lives in another country!!! We travelled back and forth for many years, and I gave it up because I `though I was suffering so much, love in the distance. Neither of us had the courage to make a decision about our relationship, to speak openly and decide to be together once and for all, but now we both know we made a mistake, and are paying for it. There were circumstances that made me be doubtful when I married, but I insisted. And I know now that it was wrong. I noticed some things in my husband that I didn´t like, but I was sure that we could solve them. But see me now. I understand that this is so wrong. But I just can help thinking that I would be so happy with OM because that feeling never died. And I am sure that when you love, really love someone the mistakes or attitudes that you dont like can be overcomed. That, besides the lack of caring from my husband have been the detonant to the situation I am right now. It`s so true that OM can be enjoying so much our relationship, because he does not have any compromise yet. We`ve spoken about this several times and he is so honest about his feelings, that I am so desperate. I need to make a decision. Have everyone a nice day.

Esmerald,
Years ago the relationship was not important enough for you to pursue it to the point where you were together, neither did he.

You said earlier it was a circumstance beyond your control, but it wasn't, it was a choice you made.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I noticed some things in my husband that I didn´t like, but I was sure that we could solve them.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And I am sure that when you love, really love someone the mistakes or attitudes that you dont like can be overcomed. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In the first you are speaking of your H...and you think you've found it can't be overcome.

In the second you are speaking of the OM...and sound like you are making the same mistake.

I know you want to believe that because you knew and loved the OM before that makes this affair "different", but it doesn't. If you put the effort, attention, and love you are putting toward the OM instead toward your marriage, you'd see a difference there.

Instead you are willing to break up your family for someone you've seen a few times, someone who wasn't worth the risk 15 years ago, and again, has no problem in having sex with a married woman. Are you sure he's worth the loss of your family now, when he wasn't worth a move before?

Lor, I perfectly understand what you are saying, I have been thru that over and over. But 15 years ago I was 15 years old. Even if I wanted I wasn`t able to make such a decision. It was not my time yet. But still the feeling was so true. So I kept my feelings, I`d say in store, because I was not in the position to do what I wanted. Now that I am a grown up I wish I had the chance to meet him at a time when I could stand by myself in every aspect (money, criteria, etc). Even when we wanted to be together and were planning a trip something always happened. Either the fligth was cancelled, or I had to leave town for work, etc. etc. it seems fate was not on our side. He made enormous efforts and visit me, travelled far. That showed me his interest in me and our relationship. But, but we missed saying or taking a definite action. But I care so much for this man, and always kept in touch thru letters so constantly. He wrote, called up, everything.I never stopped caring for him. Has been in my mind and in my heart for so many years. I supposse it was hard on both to stay like that and time just went by. My H was my friend at my workplace and started going out. I enjoyed his presence. And the time came when I felt safe on his side. I realize that more than love was the sense of being protected and comfortable. And I guessed it showed for family and friends noticed. But I continued. I though that with time the feeling would grow. And it worked for a while. Even when he has given everything he can I feel material things are just not enough, there`s got to be that spark, that chemistry (which I had and have with OM, and I dont mean sex, not at all). I don´t know when i got lost in the path, but it was long before my first loved one appeared again. My h and I had problems before that. I tried and accepted things, but I guess you get tired after a while and then OM suddenly appears and things happen until this point. Lor, are you a counselor, you are pretty objective. You know by this hour, practicly all of my life!! Have a great night.

Sorry,

You are a married womean, you made the choice to marry your husband and you continued that commitment to him by giving birth to your child.

Get over the OM and put it where it belongs, "It could have been, but wasn't" there is a reason it wasn't, the Lord did not mean for you to be with the OM, He has put the OM there now as a temptation, will you pass!!!! I sure hope so!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ahhh, now I understand. Your affair is special because it's an old love? Every WS out there believed at one point that their circumstance was special, and that makes it ok. Many of them have wised up and realized that what they're doing was wrong, unethical, immoral, deceitful, cruel, immature, etc. Some of them leave their spouse for the person they had this "special" feeling for. They have about a 5% chance of making a lasting marriage with this person.

When you talk to your baby in 20 years, are you going to be able to look him in the eye and tell him that you did EVERYTHING you could to ensure he had a secure and happy childhood? Do you think he'll understand that, hey, Dad was a nice guy but an old flame was more exciting so you destroyed his family?

I challenge you to this. Agree to a one year no-contact period with the OM. Read SAA and start IC and/or MC. Do everything you can for one year to fix your marriage, with no contact with the OM. Is this love for the OM strong enough to stand it? Do you owe your child and his father at least this much? I am a mother and I would do ANYTHING for my child. At least put his needs before your own for a while.

BTW, "him" in reference to your child was a guess as there was no mention of gender that I saw.

Esmerald,
I'm not a counselor, I've taken counseling seminars, read hundreds of relationship books (I own a bookstore) and been on MB almost daily for 4 years. I'm also both a formerly betrayed spouse and a formerly wayward spouse and believe I have learned from the turmoil.

I don't know that it is objectivity so much as recognizing the real aspects of the situation you are engaged in. My marriage fell completely apart, multiple separtions over years, deep feelings for OP on both our parts, divorce in progress, but H & I gave it one last chance and we've been in recovery for 3 years...and I'm so glad to be with my husband, we're in love and happy together.

Ok, take a look at these 2 statements of yours (and I'm not trying to pick you apart, just pointing out inconsistancies, common in someone having an affair):

always kept in touch thru letters so constantly. He wrote, called up, everything.I never stopped caring for him. Has been in my mind and in my heart for so many years.

I don´t know when i got lost in the path, but it was long before my first loved one appeared again.

So, which was it? You were never out of contact for long. I suspect that through letters, quick visits, and your 15 years of yearning, the OM is able to fulfill the fantasy that he is everything your real, safe, protective, providing & comfortable husband isn't. Spark comes both from having been a 15 year old girl with him and from the danger, secrecy, "rush" an affair engenders.

then OM suddenly appears and things happen until this point.


No, "things happen" is a copout. You made decisions and choices to cheat on your husband. I suppose I'm hammering this point, but the OM's actions aren't honorable. Your marriage, vows, committment don't mean much to this OM. If he doesn't value your current marriage, are you certain he would value a committed future with you?

So...since you have such confidence in the OM and that long, lost love must conquer, why not tell your H that you are having an affair with the old BF and are trying to choose between them?

What do you think when you contemplate that?

MB principles allow for mariatl recovery after that point, but the reaction of many betrayed spouses is to dump the cheater. Would you like that scenario? It would save you from making a decison.

Or...your H might be like a lot of us here at MB and really love you, even though you've been unfaithful, and still want you.

Then there remains the complication that you & the OM aren't in the same location...who moves? If it is you, are you willing to lose custody of your child? It certainly wouldn't be fair to take the child from it's father.

I really do suggest you tell your H, if your marriage is truly dead, he'll confirm that to you. And for the time being, don't see or communicate with the OM, even if you pursue divorce. If he's "the one" he'll wait this time.

The truth of your situation is that you could easily end up without either of these men.