What are marriage shrinks REALLY supposed to do? I was in a crisis when I called one, he helped me tread water, but not swim (that's a term I read somewhere). My husband called some chick over and over our first year of marriage, flirted with women in front of me, emailed them and was into internet porn... I found the cell calls to some woman and drug him into counseling. Of course I went to three times the sessions then my husband, my husband thought I was the one who "needed help" as I was so enraged about this.
The shrink said:
* my problem is that I "think too much" - happy couples just let things go
* that I need to "just get on with it" - whenever I brought up the other women, he'd change the subject as I'd get upset
* after the arguments got bad with my husband and my husband physically abused me he said I should basically shut up, that's how you live with an abusive man. When I wanted to move out when the violence got really bad he told me to stay.
* he called me a witch, that's his word for a strong woman who confronts her husband's cheating and porn
* he said I should be able to see "how much fun all of this is - don't I see it" - referring to his flirting with women, calling them and the computer stuff. NO I don't I told him, NO.
* he said I was bad mouthing my husband when I confided in my mom for support. And he laughed at me for talking to her. I didn't even talk to anyone else as I was so ashamed all this was going on, then was slammed by the shrink for getting support
* he claims ALL couples that he's counseled, thousands in 30 years have stayed together. Every problem we had he kept repeating that. It can't be true as many couples don't even go to a shrink until the final straw.
* he told me I shouldn't read books, then he condemned me when I brought some up. He "didn't want to hear it."
* he claimed if I was single again I would be "too good" for most men. He criticized me for having high standards.
* he said only simpled minded people suceed at marriages, not people like me who are smart
* I wanted to know the truth about my husband's other woman, the shrink didn't want to discuss it AT ALL
* he criticized my husband's job - "oh, yeah, he can sit at a desk and not be fired" he told me. That's one thing my husband is very good at his work, so what did it accomplish for the shrink to cut my husband down like that?
* when my husband was physically hurting me the shrink asked if I wanted babies, not more about the violence. He told me, "don't you understand, this is how couples are." I never saw my parents fight, verbally or physically, so no I don't understand and no I won't have children with a man who cheat on me, cuts me down and physcially hurts me I told him. Oh...
* when I separated last week he asked if I was going to change my name, when I was filing for a divorce, etc. I told him no, we had agreed to a three month separation with counseling so I would have space to heal and we could work on the issues. He said, "this is all I see" in a sarcastic tone about my life, saying it was just like every other case and just "assuming" we'd divorce.
* I called another shrink and he said this one has a reputation for dragging this on, for not addressing the issues and for claiming he's christian... that many other shrinks don't like his approach. Now I feel like I wasted months when maybe we could have had help negotiating this marriage.
* I have an appointment with a christian shrink next week but now I fear it's too late, he seems wise and says he will be able to tell in two sessions how serious we are and if we are he can help guide us through the issues and how to get back together.
Thats my life with shrinks in this time of crisis... Not the best experience in the world, nor has my two year marriage been either.
