Hello MBer's.

I read a lot here but haven't posted much, just struggle along in my own way. But I wanted to get some feedback on the latest situation.

H came back from his week away skiing/meeting and he had only phoned me once. But as soon as he landed he phoned and then phoned every hour on his drive home. He was exhausted but couldn't wait to get me into bed! He then had 2 weeks holiday to potter around athome. Well he has been very attentive, and affectionate, going out of his way to do little things around the house. Most importantly I have started to plan things for us-we took our 3yr old to the zoo one day and had fun with her. The next day H and I went for a walk along the river, then had lunch at a pub, then went out for a meal in the evening.Last weekend we took our kids out for lunch and then bowling-we all had a fun time! then the weekend just gone we took all 3 girls to watch our middle dtr do her gym competition. She did really well and we were both so proud. There was another couple there also with their daughter who we share lifts to the gym with, H chatted to the man for ages and really liked him and I like the W,and later I suggested we invite them for dinner-this is important because since we have moved here we have met only one couple that we see as friends.H was keen to do so!
We are invited to go to a Point-to Point as a family with some other people in the village and H has agreed even though he doesn't know any of them,nor do I but again it is as a family and that has been missing I think, time as a family as well as time as a couple.

H has phoned me every day this week, he is back at work, and phoned me in excitement to tell me of a success in a trial he is running.His "baby"!
Oh, and for UK Mother's Day, he got me some lovely terracotta dishes that we had admired a few days earlier-he had lured me into the cookshop, noted what I liked and gone back the next day-it's not close to home-to get them for me!

The thing that makes me wonder if this is recovery and not false, is that as I was going to bed last night, I took him a glass of water and cup of tea and he smiled and said"Thank you , beautiful woman". Which is nice in itself, but the significant thing is, that, back when H loved me he used to do just that, unprovoked, call me "lovely woman" or "beautiful woman" or similar. And funnily enough I had been musing, as I do, a few days earlier and had recalled that.

He also told me about a meeting he had last week, and that the upshot was that , because the meeting was with the company OW works for(her bosses),that OW would be asked to contact him this week. I LB'ed a little but kept a lid on it, was huffy the next evening for a while, then the enxt am H aske me whay I had been huffy and I expressed my anciety about OW contacting him. Then didn't mention it again, and on Monday,he said to me as we went to bed, that he knew I was dying to ask(I hadn't) but OW had not contacted him but someone else had and had said they were all away on a company thing. So someone-and it may or may not be OW, will contact him. But the thing is that he told me, I guess.

I am feeling very strong and confident and enjoying my work and have committed myself to a charity run(gulp) and am busying our social life.My sessions with my psychotherapist have been very insightful . I feel I have a lot of work to do on myself but am making progress and enjoying it!. I feel that although I want my M to work, and work well, I can also accept that it may not and we may split. And you know what-that's ok! for me as a person, that is, because I am a whole person, not half of an entity, and I have decided that I will thrive, no matter what!

So that's my rather longwinded update on me. Thanks if you've read this far, any feedback, as ever, received with appreciation.

Deluded

Good stuff Deluded - so glad for you.
It all really sounds encouraging.
Did you do any R-talk, or did H committ to not to talk/write to OW anymore, to open his books?

Regards from sunny London
N

Hi Nick,

We've got grey skies here...

We haven't had much meaningful R talk since just befor H went away for a week, but the change in my attitude and acceptance that I couldn't make it work just by sheer willpower started before that and I wonder if that had an impact on H and made him think whilst he was away.He has committed to not contacting her-he struggles with what he should do if she calls him, we need to work on that. It would be so easy for "how are you" to cartwheel into"I miss you and still love you". I think i will know if that happens-i will feel it.

What's up with you....? stalemate?

Deluded

Hi Deluded
As long as everything is above board I think you can handle the situations... even the one you mentioned where a 'how are you' turns into a 'I miss you so much'. that's where NC comes into play, isnt it.
My case: stalemate? not really - just a mutual non-engagement. next MC session is booked for April 10. For the past month she didnt really do anything for me/with me, she is somewhat avoiding me, she isnt even trying to fulfill any of my ENs, and, I stopped trying myself. Remember, I told her a while ago that either we split or try, there's no in-between. She said she wanted to wait till school holidays etc... well, we re here now, and MC session is booked. I'm at a point where I wished the relationship would really work, but if it doesnt, then so be it. I'm not fighting, pleading, crying anymore. If she doesnt want me, if she wants to smash the family, then let's smash the family. If she wants to try, then she'd better try - next step otherwise is separation.
regards
N

Hewy Deluded, you are doing good. Button down the hatches, keep an eye out for contact and be the best you can be. You will thrive that is true.

Best Wishes Neil.

Hi deluded greetings from Canada..you seem to be on the right track.. at least there seems to be some recovery in sight.. keep your eye open for conatct and deal with it when it happens.. my situation seems to be going from bad to worse with seperation on the horizon. I like your attitude about being ready for a split if it happens .. look at Cali and how well she is doing.. there is hope everywhere.. I just hope it rubs off on my wife.. keep it going I am proud of where you are and only wisj I could be saying the same..
Cheers!!

Deluded

Glad to hear things are looking better. Do you think your new attitude towards yourself is lightening the atmosphere?

My own IC constantly tells me that if I am more confident and happy, everyone else in the family will follow. I've noticed it's generally true - especially for the kids, although at times H gets a bit uncertain whether I'm just covering things up. Living 'in the moment' has been beneficial, as has rebuilding myself as a more independent human being.

Keep smiling!

TA

Thanks everyone.

Nick, I am sorry that your situation is as it is. You do realise, don't you, that this limbo you are in will kill your love for WW? Nick, I will stick my neck out here and say that if you don't do something dramatic you will just stop caring. She can't stop herself-she's shown you that. I hope I am wroong here.

MM I have been following your posts-I am always struck by how panicked you sound. PLease slow down and step back-there is a nice line at the bottom of someone's profile to the effect that you have all your life to divorce your spouse but only a short time to save your marriage. Don't give in and calm down.

TA thanks-you are right about the confidence-and I have noticed that it gets easier to "switch on" the confidence when I start feeling down again. H bullies me you see by undermining me-he still does it without thinking-for example, he almost never says anything nice about my hair , but will quite often comment that it's"a mess". But now I mentally can negate that by teling myself that , no actually I have lovely hair, just because he says he doesn't like it doesn't mean it's horrible! Realising that he bullies me in this way was a real revelation and has completely changed my view of myself-for a long time I believed H you see.Thank goodness for my psychotherapist, who identified this pattern and has advised me to stand up to him. It's never physical thnk goodness.

Neil, hang in there, I remain convinced that the worse is behind you.
Deluded

HI there
just checking in on you to see hoew you are doing..seems that there is hope there for you..you said earlier that I sound panicked..your right!! things continue to progress from bad to worse..she wants it over but wont let me show any love...guess I will continue to try to be the best MM i can and maybe she may some day see me in a different light.. she has so much hate in her eyes for me.. I just f=dont know what to do to make things better..she is not receptive..
but this is about you not me.. please keep your chin up.. your doing fine...

Hey Deluded,

sounds like you might need to change your log-in name to "enlightened" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Really good to hear that everything is so positive for you - and you are so right that it has to start with you . After all we can't change our WSs - only ourselves. And funny how when we do, our WSs sit up and take notice. I guess that is not so strange - after all, us BSs on here accept that we contributed to our M breakdowns in some way or another but that nothing - repeat nothing - we did excuses our other halves for their behaviour.

So go for it - just let me know if you do change your log-in - or I'll miss your posts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

bowd