I read SAA this weekend and now I’d like to describe my current situation and ask for your input.<BR>W left almost 1 year ago. We have shared custody of 9 year old. W said she needed time and space to think. Did not love me anymore. Although she will not admit it, I believe she was having an emotional affair with a mutual friend. He did not reciprocate and stayed with his w. W has maintained she is happy and does not plan to come back. She has been on a few dates but nothing serious. Throughout our separation we have remained good friends. Seeing each other often. Going to lunch, dinner, movies and just hanging out at her apartment together. She would say that she enjoyed being friends but not for me to get my hopes up. I took advantage of every opportunity to meet needs and eliminate LB’s. Needless to say my hopes were high. I thought that over time she would give us a chance, and I think she might have. You see she was becoming discouraged that finding an available om was not as easy as she thought.<BR>Until now. Almost 1 year into separation she has just met Mr. Right about 2 weeks ago. From the things I hear they are into full blown romantic, emotionally bonding passion. My daughter told me about all the time they were spending together and that they were going to the beach for the weekend and so on…<BR>Should this be considered an affair? Since we have been apart for a year I’m sure that w will justify the whole thing saying that she waited a year. Its only natural to move on.<BR>Should I lay low and let them get through this initial phase of the relationship or should I step up and try to interfere or compete?<BR>She has not talked with me about it very much. Should I bring the subject up to find out whats going on? Or not say a word and just wait for her to reveal the situation?<BR>Should I respond with words of hurt and disappointment and express my ideas that this will make it hard to rebuild our marriage?<BR>Or should I act unconcerned and move on to another subject?<BR>She will be able to file for a divorce in a few weeks. If I go to a true plan B she may view this as the break she needs, get caught up in the strong emotions of the affair and rush to the lawyer to divorce as quick as possible. <BR>My current plan is to stay in a true plan A and hope for a natural death of the affair.<BR>Why does God waste lightning strikes on trees? <BR>Any advice would be appreciated. I view this new relationship as a serious set back.<BR>Thanks.<BR>

Dear Christian:<BR>In so many words, you basically said it your self that she was just waiting for Mr. Right to come around. You just happenned to be there for her convience, and everytime she needed you, you were there. In the meantime, she was still dating and looking for the Mr.Right while you were being blinded to the facts. Your passion and relentlessness of wanting to get the marriage back together left you blinded to what was really going on. <BR>In my opinion, if she really wanted to work on things with you, she would have not been dating other men. She would have taken all that time to get herself together to think things out and be by herself. Is this an affair you ask? To you, it probably is since you considered getting back with her and really pursuing her teh whole year. Probably to her it is not, since she was dating others. What is the difference between her dating other men and having this one as a serious one? Aren't both of those things considered an affair?<BR>I cannot tell you what to do on whether to pursue her or not. That is something that has to be in your heart and mind. Think about it? What is going to change if you do pursue it? Doesn't she already know that you love her? Doesn't she already know that you want the marrige back? Doesn't she already know that you would do anything for her? If yes, then would could you possibly change if your going to pursue her again? It seems to me, that she knows what she is doing and is pursuing what she wants. I guess this is something to think about.....

If you love her, don't ever give up trying to keep your marriage and family together. <P>I would persue if I still loved her. Ask her out on dates; different than usual - you know something fancy. Or how about dancing? My wife and I started dance lessons together. Do things together as a family. Keep being close friends. Maybe push for a litle more.<P>I think your wife is still trying to figure out what she wants. If you are good friends, I would confront her about it. Tell her you know you both can have a great life together. Keep trying.<P>SHA <p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited September 14, 1999).]