Barnes and Noble being my most favorite store, regularly visit there...often peruse the self-help section, we are in the golden age of self-analysis and there is a plethora of books, gurus, and programs for every area of need...well anyways this one caught my eye, so picked it up, found the content useful in understanding relationships, figured I'd post this review.
First, the title is a little misleading, sounds like some secret formula/technique for manipulating the object of your desire...sort of like divorce bustings 180 techniques. But actually the book is about how relationships work, what is healthy behaviour, what is not, and how to assess, recognize, change (and or accept) the reality of such things. Interestingly the book was written in 1989, yet includes most of the stuff later marital writers have published (such as davis, harley, et al).
here is a link to amazon, and has 30 sample pages.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...055907?v=glance&s=books&n=507846The author focuses on many things familiar to MB'ers etc. That being you need to look at yourself, and the role you played in a love failure...then make changes in yourself. He observes that most of us have little relationship training, that love is in part a decision (but in the sense of exhibiting good relationship behaviour). So he goes into a lot of depth about such things, all very much consistent with MB. He is a little vague about nuts and bolts, whereas MB is all about nuts and bolts.
He delves some into pursuit/withdraw instinctual behaviours (sort of like Divorce Busting stuff), but does not present it manipulatively as does Ms. Davis....and in fact advises if your purpose is to manipulate your lost lover to focus on you, then you are an unsafe lover yourself. But the understanding of these issues is very good....and he threads that fine line between healthy pursuit and obsessive/manipulative pursuit.
He also adds a very important step notably lacking in many marital recovery strategies, that being the need to step back, evaluate yourself, and your lost lover very carefully, and decideing whether the relationship should be saved. Too often there is the kneejerk reaction to not being alone, not losing to someone elsel, yada yada yada....and these form a poor psychological foundation for a successful love bond (even if you succeed in getting someone back), as many here have found to their unhappiness.
There is also some interesting views on what is love (he calls it a lovebond as opposed to caring love etc.). He suggests that a lovebond cannot exist in co-dependent (or other dysfunctional) relationships, nor can love exist with only 1 healthy person. ie those who "love" dysfunctional partners, do not have a real lovebond....That a lovebond can only manifest in a healthy relationship. Rescuing, neediness, fear, shared parenting, etc cannot manifest a love bond (his word for healthy intimacy). Some may disagree, but he does a good job of presenting another viewpoint on that perennial question...what is love?
He also describes the different ways we process information and react...emotions vs analytical, and stresses the need to incorporate BOTH feelings and choices in our decisions. Good stuff.
Lastly he talks about impaired lovers. His label for people who may be just fine in many ways, likable, responsible, work hard, etc. but do not have the capacity for successful intimacy. He includes the obvious addictive, abusive individuals, but talks also about some of the less obvious characteristics of impaired lovers. He also points out the reader themself may be an impaired lover, especially if you persist in remaining in an unhealthy relationship. That in effect you are just as much part of the problem, that ending an impaired relationship is a sign of emotional/psychological health.
There is also talk about boundary setting, and such too. The book really seems to be a precursur to much of what is "popular" today, but all kind of tied together.
<small>[ April 03, 2003, 02:24 PM: Message edited by: LurkingAbout ]</small>
