I am tired of thinking and feeling that my life is in limbo, that I am not going forward nor am I going backwards. I am just sort of stuck in a rut and can’t get out. The situation with my wife(WS) and myself has been dragging out a good 15 months. Nine of those months she has been living on her own. What do I do to feel I am going to get out of this rut? If I am getting the mind set that we are over, well the part of thinking we are still legally married is beginning to be unhealthy for me. If I am out with friends and I am talking to people for the first time when they ask me are you single, married, kids, etc. How do you answer that? I am not married in the traditional sense that I have a wife that loves me and lives with me. I have a wife who lives on her own so yes I am married but no I am not. Plus when I talk to people and they hear of my situation they sort of tend to not want to talk to me because they think I have issues, etc. Also I don’t like the people who try to be extra nice to me because they hear or know of my situation. I just want to be treated like someone would normally be treated if they weren’t in a screwed up situation such as myself.
Now do I step up and tell my wife if she wants the divorce that she should talk to a lawyer and she can get the ball rolling. It is after all what she has wanted all along. Also my wife has a lot of things still at the house. What do I do about that? Do I pack it up in a box and tell her to come pick her misc. things up? If I tell her to come pack them herself she will take more than just her left over things at the house. I am talking about things such as left over make up, bathroom items, snow skis, tennis racket, schoolbooks, etc…
I just want to feel like I am going in some direction in life. The entire limbo thing has been getting me down. I am getting to that point of where we either need to try, which my wife has made it very clear she doesn’t want to, or we need to move towards I guess splitting up.
Any advice on this limbo feeling I have? Any advice would be greatly appreciated…

JazzeyGirl...
My wife tells me she wants a divorce and she tells me she has made the right decision in walking away from the marriage. The sad part is she never tried. She just ran away.

this is 2x4 .... cg, you are in limbo and you feel it that way since you put your self into one !. Ask yourself if you did everything humanly possible to work on M. If the answer is yes ... then all of this miserable life is optional. I would gather some $ and call SH for the last time and get his take on this. We don't try to save M at all cost.

-rh-

redhat...
I feel I have done everything that I could. Since this is the first time going through something like this you could say I could of done something a little different than what I may have done. The only thing that I can say I haven't done is maybe give it more time. But I could give it more time for the rest of my life. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do....

JazzeyGirl...
She has already moved out all of her clothes, she took the spare bedroom set, and some other things. This was back in June. She took what she could at the time and hasn't been back to get anything else. When I told her she still had things at the house, her repsone was, what stuff. Am I ready for her to get the rest of her things out, well that is a good question. But I must admit it is hard when I open her drawers in the bathroom and it is just full of her stuff. It makes me want to just sit on the edge of the bed and cry. It is sort of that feeling that it might be better not to have anything around me of hers that will trigger me to slip backwards. I will never move forwards if I keep breaking down like that....

Confused ,

perhaps its time to clear those draws, if everytime you open them it brings you pain. If you cant manage to do it, maybe a friend could help.

Confused Guy - as you know my husband is SNL, and I felt I was walked on, used, and betrayed. He had his affair is way, He had plan A his way, and plan B his way. Even counseling with the Harleys, it was done his way. He even told Jennifer and STeve he will do things his way, only his way, when he wants, and how he wants. I was not put first, and SNL did not treat me with respect.

Therefore we are divorcing, because I finally filed. My husband was too scared to be the bad guy. I realize that now. He had the sexual affair with the fat bimbo, and did a lot of destruction to our family. He didn't want to be the bad guy again. That is what the Harleys told me, and I didn't believe them. But I know now, cause my husband doesn't want to take accountability for his actions. As you know he justified his affair, and justified his actions of PLan A and B and his affiar.

This is waht your wife is doing too. She wants her cake and ice-cream too. If I could do it over, things would of been so different. I now know how an affair goes, and the lies and deceit. I now know that my hsuband used me.

The limbo, went on for over a year with us. This is not easy, and you are hurting. Take action now, and file. Take the action, cause she is using you. The WS does not care about their spouse one bit. They only care about their emotional needs, and their wants. Don't let this happen to you.

I have learned so much about affairs, and so much about the hurt that it causes the familyi. I could of stopped some of the pain that myself and the kids endured. I am sorry for my children, and I am trying to make up by being there for them daily. And listening to them. So much for their dad. He will have to have the kids over to his place if he wants to see them. Just part of the the divorce.

What you are feeling is real. Your wife is using you, and causing the pain. Take action, and file.

If she has given up and moved out and you have done everything possible to save your marriage so that you will not feel guilty in the end, then go ahead and file. I'm leaving the limbo state right now, and I feel great. I'm not happy that the divorce will be completed soon, as I am sad that my marriage is ending. However, I am happy that I am back in control of my life.

I'm not sure who said it on this board, but choosing to do nothing is still making a choice.

A funny quote you can relate to:

"My hesitation is final." - John Major

cg:

Yep. Box up her stuff and give her a call. Call SH, like redhat suggests. You have NOTHING to lose at this point. He may help you feel better about where you're at. I think you've done all you can.

It is entirely possible that if you do this and finally file for DV, she'll wake up and wonder why you're giving in "so easily" after all this time. Her A is over, so far as you know. She's getting tired of the empy, shallow "party life." What's left?

Change can be good,
-Qfwfq

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confused_guy:
<strong>The only thing that I can say I haven't done is maybe give it more time. But I could give it more time for the rest of my life. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bingo !. Now go and think it over ... I have one more take home, for the rest of my life is inhumane !. Go find your time frame and only you could decide.

-rh-

CG

I read your post and it could have been me writing it, except my story is slightly more complex in that I am the FWS and my husband is now the WS.

I truly understand how you feel about being in limbo. I started Plan B at the beginning of the year because H constantly refused to address any issues in our M and would not even recognise that what he was doing with Shiney Head was an A, and was of course hindering any possibility we had of trying to recover. He has been living in a flat for 4 months.

So, Limbo Land, what did I do? For me, I took legal advice, and have been told by my Solicitor that as H is wanting a financial settlement I must protect myself and DV at the same time. H could come back and claim more money for me and I could be liable for any debt he may run up (which is very possible). Equally, if he won the lottery, I could make a claim on him. So to protect myself and my assets I have asked H if he wants to file. If I do not hear from him by the end of this week, I will file on the grounds of his adultury.

Do I want to do this? No, not really, but like you, H is adamant he is not coming back, and hey he's sh***ing someone 15 years his junior, so why on earth would he want to face up to the more serious issues in our M? I think it is unlikely that I will hear from H that he will file, so I will have to do this. As my Solicitor said to me, "You can get married again, but protect yourself and your assets now". On top of this, H is incredible angry, bitter and volatile and I believe all he wants is to fight with me and make things difficult for me.

All of this I find incredibly painful. I didn't get married to now be communicating with someone who has become a virtual stranger - someone I loved and spent 12 years with. Yes, he still has things here, and I am planning to box them up and tell him to collect them. I can't imagine him coming in with boxes and just clearing things out.

I do understand how you deal with the "I'm married, but not really" situation as well. Whilst in my heart, I still feel married, I know that my marriage is over (although it won't be till I get those papers). I hate to say it, but I use the expression "separated". I know for me I have no hope of reconciliation and to either keep trying or pretend that I do damages me even further. But hey, there's life out there, and men often seem interested in me, although I won't be going out with anyone just yet.

CG, I am sorry this is about me more than you, but I hope there is something in there that may help you or ring a bell for you. I know you're not really sure if you're ready to move on, but what are the alternatives? I too worry did I do enough to save the M, but I know I did in my heart of hearts. Moving on in your head doesn't mean that you have to give up all hope in your heart. I still have incredibly bad days, and this past week, well, it was an incredibly bad week. I'm better today, and just try and accept that it will happen that way from time to time.

Take care and wishing you well from sunny London.
Lisa

<small>[ April 07, 2003, 05:42 AM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

Update:
Last night (4/6) my wife was in the neighborhood visiting her parents. She asked if she could stop by so we could discuss our taxes. We discussed the taxes and then my wife remembered I mentioned she still had a lot of stuff around the house. She asked what stuff. So I took her to the master bathroom and showed her the drawers of all her stuff she left behind. She asked me for a bag and she just started putting the stuff in it. Most of it she threw out but some of it she kept. I showed her some shoes she had in the garage and she said throw them out. The other things in the garage such as her skis, etc. she said she would get at a later date.
I didn't cry when I was talking to her so I guess I have come a long way. We spoke a bit about what has happened with us. I know I should of just kept it at hi and bye but it came out. She was ok talking for most of it and then she seemed to reach a point and that was it. When she got to that point a few minutes later she said she had to go. I did ask her if she filed yet. She told me no not yet because she doesn't have the money to do that. She did ask me when she does serve me papers am I going to contest it and make her life difficult. I told her at this time I can't honestly answer her on that one. At the time she does do that I may be upset and want to contest some of it. Or I may be so tired of this I might just sign it and be done with it.
My wife did admit that she has done a lot of wrong things and the way she did a lot of them she knows now it was wrong. She also admitted that she never gave it a second chance. She did stated that why she didn't give it a second chance is because there isn't enough there as far as the "love" for her to feel it inside of her to make it work.
I guess the reality of the fact is she is walking away and she isn't going to change her mind. I can't see someone this deep into it just say one day I don't want a divorce. She said she still cares about me but not in the way to stay in a marriage. She said in the future she would like for us to be "friends". I told by the time she wants that there will probably be too much damage done to me that I won't be around for that.
I have one big question. Do all WS hit rock bottom at one time or another? I hear so much about people saying they all hit rock bottom and then realize what they have done. Some how I don't see my wife hitting rock bottom. She makes it sound as if her life is just awesome now. She says she changed as a person and she believes it is for the better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If I am out with friends and I am talking to people for the first time when they ask me are you single, married, kids, etc. How do you answer that? I am not married in the traditional sense that I have a wife that loves me and lives with me. I have a wife who lives on her own so yes I am married but no I am not. Plus when I talk to people and they hear of my situation they sort of tend to not want to talk to me because they think I have issues, etc. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">confused guy,

I am not being insensitive when I suggest this to you.
Do not talk about it so much. Do not make it the topic of every conversation. People that you are being introduced to for the first time do not want to hear all the details. I would think that an honest but abbreviated answer would be.... "My W and I are separated". More than likely you will get the sympathetic reply of "that's too bad". Leave it at that ...don't expound on it. If they want more info, politely change the subject like.."enough of that, tell me ...what do you do?"

Strangers usually do not want to hear all gory and emotional details, and if they do, they have their own agenda for wanting to know. They might be nosey, or love to hear all the drama of other's lives, and then go to the next person and tell them all about it. Do not give them that power.

Some people also are uncomfortable being told so much because all those kind of details should remain private. Yes, it does give some strangers the "pity" factor and they run from it. Nothing is worse than having someone I just met lapse into a torrid explanation of marital woes. I would avoid you too if that is how I was answered after I asked..."so, are you married?"

Keep it amongst close family members or the people on this forum that are sympathetic to your situation and who have woes of their own. You are allowing it to invade every pore of your being and you alone can be the only one to stop it.

Again, I am not being insensitive just making an suggestion from an objective place.

JMHO
committed

<small>[ April 07, 2003, 08:48 AM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

CG

I honestly think you've lived in limbo for way too long. My limbo has been 10 weeks and still in Plan A and I'm growing crazy!

Its not just the inability to make plans for the future, its the lack of control.

Take control of your life, you've given it to her for way too long. You did your best, she didn't recognize what she had, her loss. I don't want to sound insensitive but you have to take your life back, FILE! It will give you the power to move on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confused_guy:
<strong>Some how I don't see my wife hitting rock bottom. She makes it sound as if her life is just awesome now. She says she changed as a person and she believes it is for the better.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">cg, have you had enough bumps on your head from my 2x4 ? ... here is one more ....

How could your WW "see her action is wrong" while watching you in misery ?. You probably reaffirm her beleive that she has to get away from you !. You were on her way to her happiness. If you get stronger, happier, and showing her that you are better with or with out her ... she might wonder if she is making the right action. She just might want to join you again.

-rh-

Confused_guy,

I can only imagine what you are going through, as I was the one on the other side of the equation. I can only offer some of my thoughts and suggestions.

Not that you want to "get back at her", but one of the ways to get her out of the fog is to live your life happily. You are probably the only one who can make yourself happy. I am not suggesting that you "move on", but try to create a full, complete, and happy life. This life might be with her or without her, unfortunately that is a decision she has to make. You can't force her to be with you, but you can try to be the best person you can be. This may also help you because you will not be so dragged down by her and her actions.

Hopefully, at some point in time, she will realize why the 2 of you got married in the first place. If not, her loss, right? Try to keep your head up. At some point in time she will realize what/who she is missing out on. She may also realize what she has done, especially what she has done to you. And (it seems like a stretch at this point) she may actually feel remorseful.

I am sorry for what you are going through.

Remember, you can only fix things within yourself.

Ask yourself this:

1) Is the M worth saving?

If the answer is yes, then do everything you can to work towards happiness.
If the answer is no, then do everything you can to work towards happiness.

I apologize if my thoughts seem scrambled as my typing isn't the greatest.

Good Luck.

C_G,

I've got to wholeheartedly second redhat here... Your W sees you being "down" and so she feels "down". I realize you've tried to "get on with life", etc. - why not get excited about those prospects, of doing cool things, like hiking, boating, new hobbies, meeting new people, doing things that are outside of your normal "comfort zone", etc.? Then tell your W about the activities, showing some excitement, and maybe even starting to tell her that you're going to look out for yourself (not in a harsh way)?

In my case, I have seen some very distinct signs of change lately - don't have time to get into it, but communication channels have been opening, with a key characteristic being that I'm not taking any $!@# from her, I'm standing on my own ground again, while not being an [censored] about it (I hope). She's actually saying some very clear, lucid things now. But it was taking a stand and showing my personal strength that's been a key factor.