After a 4 month affair and 4 more months of me being in Plan A, my W informed me last night that she has retained an attorney and will file. Says she needs some space, wants to be free, etc. Not certain she will follow through with a D, but wants the waiting period to be over so she can act once her mind is made up.<P>I'm pretty sure the affair is over and most of her problems relate to what she feels is her loss of love for me. She just doesn't have "that feeling."<P>Previously i have suggested i might consider moving in with my parents for a while as this would be the least burdensome choice from a financial standpoint, and more importantly would be easier on our kids since they would be living between our home and their grandparents (we plan joint custody). Otherwise, she will need to lease an apartment, get her furniture moved, etc, etc.<P>Just about everyone i've talked to says i'm nuts to move out and that if she wants her freedom she should assume the responsibility for moving out herself. I tend to agree, but would like any comments from my trusted friends here at MB.<P>PS...After a tough night last night i'm doing better this morning.In some respects i'm needing a break myself. My W is a Grade A conflict avoider who can't discuss anything of substance with me, nor is she ever able to tell me what she's feeling. It took some questioning last night for her to reveal that she had actually paid the retainer. She was going to tell me today. Yeah right. <BR>

I'm the betrayed. I moved out. Everyone told me I was nuts. HOWEVER, we agreed beforehand that the house and related mortgage was part of what "drug him down" to begin with, so we agreed to sell it. Also, I didn't want to have to deal with yard work, his dogs, plus keeping the monster clean. I leased an apartment.<P>In your case, moving home with parents could cause less stress on the children. I would have a legal document that states, however, after six months or whatever time you agree on, that if she isn't sure at that point that she will move you, you will move home and have custody of children (if that's what you decide). I would cover all bases legally before I left the home.<P>

nlitend, <P>I'm so sorry for you. I wish your wife knew that the "feeling" not being there is so common. My wife hated no loathed me 9 months ago. That "feeling" is slowly coming back. we are close friends again (I love her to death). I think she is finding that love for me again. It's not a switch that can just be turned on again. How frustrating for you. I wish I could tell her what a mistake she is making. <P>My wanted freedom and space - I think those are all common feelings. I'm learning to give her those things and still be married. I just wish your wife would look a little farther down the road and see what is happening. <P>I really do hope that the affair is over. Perhaps, time away will help her realize the destruction that it will cause to your family. How are your kids handling this? <P>I too think she should be the one to move out. Your kids need as much stability as possible and they need to be with the parent who wants to work things out - you!!! Very early on in myu problems, I actually found an apartment for my wife and she was ready to go. She finally decided to stay because of the hurt it would have caused our kids. <P>I'm praying for buddy. Stay strong.<P>Your friend, <P>SHA

Hi Nlitend<P>Well, If you move out then your W will have to deal with the daily kids/house work routine which may drive her further from reality. She may feel the need to "run" and may look at your new "freedom" as something she wants.<P>If she moves out than at first she will feel good, freedom at least. But then reality sets in, she misses putting the kids to bed, the comforts of "home" plus seeing you handle all the work and being a dedicated spouse will be more attractive in the long run. <P>Good Luck<BR>_____________________________________________<BR>"Better to die on your feet than live on your knees"<BR>

I don't think there is a right or wrong here. I think it's a very personal decision. My H is the betrayer and after trying to deal with that, he moved out (to think he says). But it was a mutual decision that worked for us. You have to do what works for you.

I told my w she couldn't live here and "date", she said she would have to find a place to live and it would take some time. I then caught her with om when she said she would be with kids and after a confrontation she left and stayed with om for the night. Then she moved to a hotel which om paid for and then a week later she found an apartment tthat om moved into a week after that.<BR>After many discussions with various counselors we determined that w simply wanted out of the marriage and the affair gave her means.<BR>I'm not sure if anything would have been differnt if I would have moved out except there was no one to watch the kids. My w too had come to hate the house and yard work so i'm not sure if I would have left that the om would have moved in.<BR>I guess what I'm asking you does wife really want out of your marriage ? If so then I don't think there is anything that you can do. But if she is just having a problem that you two can work on, then she probably should move out. Offer to support her as long as she is living on her own but if om moves in cut the support immediately.

Thanks to all for your replies.<P>My W says she doesn't love me anymore, and she has no interest in going for marriage counseling. She sees a counselor on her own, but it's for her only. She hinted last night by saying the attorney had agreed that expenses could be cut if i moved in w/my parents, but my question to her was "what will that accomplish for our marriage if there's not to be any joint counseling?" It's like i need to move out, (but keep paying all the bills) while she stays in the house until her feelings of love for me return or she gives up and finalizes the D. I'm just not sure this scenario contains enough boundaries for me, and i don't see her getting a real taste of "freedom" under this setup. Besides the kids (ages 9 & 3) are going to wonder why daddy is leaving. I really don't like that part.<P>Why not let her move out into the big world (she's never lived on her own) and then she can also explain to our 9 year old why mommy is now living in an apartment. <P>I know this tends to sound like i want retribution, but i just feel if you want your freedom then you need to be ready to take on the responsibilities that come with it. <P>I will of course pay her child support equal to half what she would get if she had full custody.<P>PS...SHA, I know our situations are very similar, but it sounds like your W is making progress. You guys are in my prayers.

nlitend, Yes my wife is making progress, and I am so sorry yours isn't - really. If you have to separate, have her leave. Let her explain why mommy is leaving and why she doesn't want to keep the family together. It sounds cruel but she needs to pay the piper.<P>Stay strong and thanks for your prayers too.<P>SHA<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited September 14, 1999).]

Suggestion for you...<P>Make it a compromise.<P>IF W wants you to move in with your parents<BR>THEN she agrees to X councilling sessions<P>The bottom line is that SHE gains something by you moving out in that costs are less, children are stable, she doesn't have to find an apartment etc, etc<P>What do you gain?<P>Make it a business agreement (trying to be mutually beneficial is not possible now she is withdrawing). Get it signed up that you will leave once X councilling sessions together have been completed and she states AFTER that time there is still no resolution

LostSoul,<P>I've done exactly what you suggested. I offered to move out for a agreed upon period of time during which she would have to then agree to attend counseling sessions with me. <P>My concern is that i just don't feel she's ready for counseling as she has no desire to go as a couple. We went back in Feb when the affair was raging and it was a waste of money. <P>I guess i would be willing to try again, but if i see she's just going through the motions i'm not playing that game. My feelings this morning are that i've hurt enough over the past 7 1/2 months. I'm trying to ease into a mode of detachment e.g., i've elected to no longer share a bed with her. It's self preservation at this stage. She knows i love her, but i can't make her love me.<P>Deep down i have felt for some time now that things will never be right in our marriage until she has experienced life on her own and made a conscious decision to return.