About 3 weeks ago my w confessed voluntarily to 1 recent and 3 past affairs.

She really is making the effort to regain my trust and is happy to let me know where she is and for me to meet her or collect her when she goes out.

This control I thought would restrict and eventually affect recovery but she has no objection if I turn up unexpectedly, being very pleased to see me.

When I asked for details of the affairs she was willing to sit down calmly and discuss things.

The actual causes of her needs for other men took a little longer, ranging from my preoccupation with work and laziness when I was at home (falling asleep every evening etc, no spontenaity etc)to a physical attraction for the OM.

Unfortunately I asked for many intimate details, of which at first she did not want to tell me, but did eventually in order to be honest.

I wish that I hadn't asked as these are eating me up and hitting my self esteem.

She has been more than interested in me again physically, due to my understanding and support and has been regularly complimenting me, sending emails, phoning me etc.

She has had no contact with the last OM and is surprised that he has not tried to call her. She avoids any environment for meeting guys (she is a very attractive woman and regularly gets proposals from many) and makes sure I am around if she things there may be a problem.

If I am not, she makes it clear that she is not interested, says that I am joining her soon and tells me everything when we are together.

We have both been getting along so well apart from this latent anger I am regularly bottling up, which comes out all too often and is a definate Love Buster.

Most times it is when we have been drinking and a delicate subject comes up .... I dwell on it and eventually explode (not violently but sometimes abusively)and have said some very rotten things to her recently.

She was forgiving to a point but last Thursday night it blew up and she told me she wanted to end it as I kept going over the past.

After agreeing with her she broke down in tears and we eventually agreed to give it another go. 15 years is a long time to just throw away.

Last night a few beers and I did it again ... result is that she is not speaking to me and I fear that this may be it.

I am determined to knock the drink on the head now, but this anger boils over even when I am sober and I am afraid about the emotional effect on my wife and daughter.

My first marriage ended in the same way when my first wife kept doing this and I eventually had enough.

I should understand because of this but cannot seem to stop.

There is no marriage guidance in this country.

Advice would be appreciated as I am so happy that my wife is trying so hard and yet I appear to be lousing things up and driving her away.

Some really big points here......

ITS ONLY BEEN 4 WEEKS SINCE YOU FOUND OUT!

While you may lack marriage counselors in your area there are several great books on this subject.

Surviving An After and After An Affair come to mind.

Most books/experts say it takes at least 2 years to FULLY recover from an affair and you are talking about multiple affairs in your case.

Find a book that supports this and make your WS aware of this reality. Or have her read this link by a leading expert on the subject:

http://www.dearpeggy.com/com032.html

Gee, whats wrong with you that you can't get over the greatest betrayal a spouse can inflict on the other in 3 weeks?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Aren't you both being a little unrealistic here? You just had your entire world ROCKED to the core when you learned that your spouse committed the cruelest act a spouse can commit. And you think you should be over this in 3 weeks? NO. Tell her we are looking at around A YEAR.

Send her to us and we will explain it to her.

If she wants the marriage to work she has to be willing to help clean up the damage she has caused. That is the LEAST she can do. She has to understand that this is the cruelest, most traumatic act a spouse can commit against antother. She has to just put up with it until you get better.

And you have to do your best to not love bust her. However, that does NOT MEAN that you hold it in or pretend like you aren't hurting [that will prolong your recovery], but that you bring it up in a civil way. You HAVE TO discuss it when it builds up again. You can expect it to go in phases, build up then release, build up then release, until the explosions get farther and farther apart and then eventually go away.

Hello

I do too have some drinking problems and my dday was still very fresh.

I do too hope that all this mess goes into fast foward and recover once and for all but let's be realistic here.

Since u got drinking problems it affects ur way of thinking... I don't know why u drink but I do to run and forget it all. I have come to realize that drinking is not going to help me see this in a different way or help in any way to make myself and the relationship better... keep that in mind because drinking is making u a violent person... Do you really want that for ur future? I mean we are adults and we better start fixing the things that bother us more and stop runing at things... cause if we keep at it we are never going to be better in any way... so STOP and think about it...

Not that I'm perfect and all and I still have "slips" onto that matter but they are getting farther away and I'm controling it...
Also consider taking antidep's they have helped me a lot to cope whith this controling the mood swings...

You said you got no counseling in your country... if you don't minds to answer which country is that?

Take care

I am sorry for your pain. Your wife has now had 4 sexual affairs during your marriage. Why did she confess now. What were the reasons for her previous affairs? It sounds like this could be a pattern of behavior and that she is a serial cheater. It has only been a couple of weeks and she is upset because you blow up every once and awhile? Ask her how she would feel if she found out that you have had 4 previous sexual affairs on her during your marriage and putting her health at risk? I would question if this is a pattern of behavior for her and also ask how was it possible that she could have so easily cheated on you so many times without you having any idea?
It is interesting that your wife and ex-wife continued to cheat on you. Is it possible that you are attracted to the same type of women that have moral character defects?

Advice noted.

I know that it is only 4 weeks since the revelations.

Bryan P : It may seem like she is a serial cheater, but since my earlier posts we have talked more. The earlier A's were close together and ceased when she found out she was pregnant.

18 months passed without anything happening and the recent one filled her with horror. She told me about it as she wanted me to know and help her to stop it happening again (ie. being together more, me being more interested etc) She does not wish to go down that road again. She told me about the others as I asked her for complete honesty ... and got it.

I should add that it was me that had a few A's in my first marriage. Only now do I know what I put my 1st W through. I know why people have affairs (in my case it was simple lack of attention, interest and sex. Despite my numerous attempts to talk and try to sort the problem it never really improved) and (I thought) most of the usual excuses.

I used to joke with my 2nd W that she could never keep an affair secret as I had used all the excuses known to man ... love is blind and I missed every one.

My 1st W kept blowing up in violent outbursts in public and in front of the kids. This went on to be unbearable for everyone and I eventually left her. The fact that she kept exploding with abuse made me look for someone to talk to .... and hence another A started (now you know why I am so worried about my outbursts as I don't want this problem to drive her away like it did me from my 1st W)

Matilde : I don't consider that I have a drink problem (they all say that) but I only drink about 1-2 times a week. Recently these occasional times have resulted in extreme quantities. If I drank every night I think we would be apart by now.

It is when I do drink (with or without her) I start to think irrationally and react to things which I have already accepted.

What I need are some ideas for anger management to help me wind down without a volley of personal abuse (it is not exactly a deposit in a Love Bank when you call your spouse every name under the sun and ridicule her ... especially when you don't mean it and regret it in the light of day)

She is making the effort and (despite what she did) does not really deserve this abuse. It is not helping recovery and I want to control it.

Anybody out there in the same boat who managed to control it .... successfully ?

My H also has a drinking problem. The 1st 5 years of our marriage he drank, didn't come home at night and I would be home taking care of our kids and working. He cheated on girls he didn't know and woke up places that he didn't even know where he was. He had 2 dui's, smashed stuff in the house, then after the 2nd dui he went to rehab. For 6 1/2 years he didn't drink. I thin had an A. The day he found out he went drinking, then he that was it. Then stupid me made some mistakes and talked to the om on the phone which my h found out. The om lived 1100 miles away. The couple times he found out and sometimes in between he would go drink, but not alot. Then in June he met a girl that worked in a bar and then and now his drinking is alot worse and living with her. He says he will die drinking this time. He can teach the people at rehab.

B&VS,

I would think that if your W is truly interested in saving the M, then she should be willing to do what is necessary. I find this website to be very helpful to both BS and WS. Books can be helpful for the both of you, too. My W explained to me that these books are good for dealing with anger:

"Anger Kills" by R. Williams and V. Williams
"SOS Help for Emotions" by Clark
"Torn Asunder" by Carter

I have found the LBQ and ENQ to be very helpful. They gave me some insight into myself along with a reality check regarding some things that I was not meeting with my W.

Good Luck.

I Love my Pookey !!

I am sorry for your pain. You explained the situation very well. There is something you said that jumped out at me. You stated that your wife stopped her previous affairs when she found out she was pregnant. Maybe you should think about getting a paternity test. If she was having sex in an affair and only stopped when she became pregnant; what makes you so positive that she did not become pregnant with one of her OM? I am hoping I misread your comments but something does not sound right about this comment. I wish you luck.

Goldilocks,
I've been reading your recent posts, I'm sorry for your setback. Some Benedryl (antihistimine) helped me sleep at night. At times, a little sedated is a good thing. I wish you peace.

B&VS,
I read what you typed, and I understand that you are NOT an alcoholic, but get very emotional when you drink! It's not the same. I did the same thing while my marriage was in crisis! When we were 'in the thick of it', as you are now, and we'd have a nice night out, a few drinks, (couple glasses of wine) no big deal. BUT, at the end of the night, just any little thing, I'd take personally, or literaly, steam, then get very mad, and yell, then cry.

I wasnt 'drunk', but it was the alcohol! By the 3rd time it happened, I realized it was the alcohol, and laid off of it for a while. If I did drink, I was ultra-conscience of my emotions getting out of hand, and tried to diffuse the oncoming bomb! I'd jump in the shower, or go to bed. The 'discussions' (aka FIGHTS) we had in that state were not productive, and even set us back. AVOID at all costs. Good luck - Dru

Hey BVS,

I know exactly how you feel - and I wouldn't say it's latent anger, it is real anger.

Just as a backgrounder, my W had 2 A's in the past 5 years. One was a PA, the other an EA. Today, I still don't know all the details - I did ask but she didn't tell - anyways it doesn't matter. It's like a poison which eats at you. Some days are better than others. And every now and again I blow. It hurts. What else are you supposed to do?

My W hates it if I hit the topic, she doesn't want to focus on this - and neither do I. But it doesn't go away. The only tip I can give is that as time goes on, the anger does reduce. When I'm feeling down or sensitive I tell her. Then I withdraw until the thoughts subside. If I'm down, I don't touch alcolhol. What else do you do?

Four weeks after D-Day? I believe I was still prone to launching some pretty violent verbal assaults at my WH, without being under the influence of anything except my own emotions. Even now, if he tries, he can succeed at goading me into some unkind statements.

If there is no in person counseling available, there are numerous sites on the web that offer email or "chat room" type counseling (legitimate, licensed therapists). I think the information on this site offers such tremendous value to both sides of this issue. She should be here reading her heart out.

And try to recognize this is a volatile time, and that you'll both be angry and defensive, and feel like ending it all and walking away from the marriage and the pain. And hopefully, those feelings will pass and you can think coherently again.