Is the fact that WH accepted SAA from me and actually has read some of it a good sign?
Or am I just so desperate for a hopeful sign?
I ask myself, well, if he is so sure of his decision to leave and still seeing OW, so sure that he "hates my guts"(because I have not played by his & ow's rules),won't MC or IC, so sure that he can live away from his children permanently, so sure that he wants a D, then why would he even bother to take the book and then open it?
Also with very little opportunity to Plan A, he lives 2.5 hrs away and is home 1 to 2 x a week lately, I feel like Plan A is just an extension of our lives pre-A, when WH was home only weekends because he worked out of state.
He'll be home thurs. staying overnight, first overnight in a while. Advice? I still can get emotional, how do I avoid that. It's only been 3.5 mos since D-day.
I'm pretty certain that WH feels that we could never find our way back, so much has happened in 3 short months! Lots of guilt? I was hoping SAA would give him hope.
Should I suggest a family outing? Alone time for the two of us?
I'm feeling that because he has been used to living away from us during the week for so long, that Plan B won't help. And Plan A, well that was our life, I make everything nicey nice for the weekend visit home, lawns mowed, house clean, good food, garden fresh....
What he wanted was a chick who hung out in a bar and could shoot pool, and who was in a bad marriage...they became "friends"...the rest as they say is history..
Plan A is I know more about me. I'm working out, losing weight, getting projects done around the house(always have though), going out socially once and awhle for a change, thinking about quitting job and doing something that works for me! and gives me more time for the kids.
But still, this roller coaster, waiting game thing is tough. Nothing new here, I know.
Just venting, reaching out and still looking for hope...
God help me, I really do love this guy, well the old one anyways, pre-fog, pre alien takeover? I see glimpses, but then the evil twin wins out.
I am so looking forward to the day when I don't feel like this anymore.

bleesing to you and your home learnin...
there is lots of hope...always hope...
this is still realy new...although I am sure it seems like eternity for you...

couple questions...how old is OW...
how long has the affair been going on..
why does he live two hours away...and how long has he lived there....
whom does he live with...
does the family know about the ow..
OK a lot of questions.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (forgive me....)

Think about some 180s....
think about when he comes over being involved with the kids in some sort of fun project..making candy, cookies, dying eggs...etc and invite him to join....but also think about stopping after a while ...going and getting cleaned up...look and smell smashing....then grab your keys, head for the door and say...well dad's here now...I got some things to do....smile smile....call the cell if it's an emergency....ta-ta....and bolt....

my computer keeps dying on me...I wanted to post some 180 tips...but this is my third attempt...so I'm gonna post this and do another response...

uggghh..
ARK

I also think that you show concern for him in a round about way...that you take the lead on building a foundation that says I can forget and get over what has happened....and not by sweeping it under the rug...but by showing concern about how he is...in spite of his behavior...

convey if he looks tired...are getting enough rest...
or you look stressed I hope you are taking care of you...
laugh with him tell him something the kids did...that made you smile...

think about it..it's the last thing on earth your spouse expects you to say...it stops them dead in their tracks..even if they don't react...they hear you and think about it latter...

MANDATORY DON'T's WHEN DIVORCE BUSTING
1. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more then ever in your whole life and are desperate and needy.
2. Do not focus on your self when communicating with your spouse.
3. Do not believe any of what you hear and less then 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and they are scared.
4. Do not fall into the "green eggs and ham" trap. (See Dr. Seuss for clarity)
5. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
6. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

MANDATORY DO'S WHEN DIVORCE BUSTING
1. Be patient. Time is an asset even when it seems to be killing you.
2. Listen carefully to what your spouse is REALLY saying to you.
3. Learn quickly that anger is your enemy
4. Learn quickly to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
5. Take care of yourself. Exercise, sleep, laugh, and focus on all the other chances in your life that are not in turmoil.
6. Be cool, strong, confident and speak softly.
7. Know that if you can do a 180, your smallest consistent actions will be noticed much more than ANY words you can say or write.
8. Read as much as you can on this subject

ark who is afraid of her computer right now...evil machine that keeps shutting down...

Thanks Ark,
OW is 41, WH has an apt. w/male roomate,co-worker, has been living there for 1.5 yrs for work, before that spent several months living with my parents in that general area. He would come home weekends. He has been working out of state off and on(this being the longest stretch, although he has been laid off since Feb., not much construction going on)
Everyone knows about the A(except young children).
OW is going through D, her H knows, she is the one to leave him, separated before WH & she met I believe.
Plan A has been my life for a long time it seems. When he does come home now to see the kids, we do play cards together with them etc. I was thinking of going out this time, I've been invited out with a friend. With little time to spend with WH though it seems counterproductive.

learnin,

I don't think it is necessarily counter-productive to plan A....

If what you have been doing...being "there" when he comes home making it all nicey nice...

why not make him a little responsible..so he's laid off...but still living out there to abandon his children....

why don't you take some off and go somewhere..and make him come home for a week/extended weekend and be responsible for the kids....

quit cooking for him....i mean have the house smell great from something you cooked...but don't offer...
make him get a room somewhere...a little reality that it's not his home since he CHOSE to leave....cut his visits short...or other option is to already be doing something with kids invite him along...I mean that is some of the reality of the consequances of his actions...

and not to manipulate him or punish him but because that is the reality of what a full time parent has to do...try to maintain the house...and not rearrange everything around the WS....

call him today and tell him he can not stay...he expects you to let him...tell him that as a woman and a person with self respect and feelings you do not think it is a good idea for him to sleep there anymore....

he's welcome to visit....but no sleeping there...no power struggle...just a boundary....be nice about it...upbeat...say you thought a lot about him sleeping there...probably not a good idea...to confusing to the kids and you....

it only my opinion learnin..but wrap your mind around it a little...what's the worst that could happen if he's not allowed to sleep there...what's the best...

ARK

He actually asked if he could spend the night and I said yes. I have gone back and forth on the issue because it can be difficult for me having him there.
I'll let it stand for now, because he needs to be here early the next morning for one of the kids.
But I want to make good use of the time. Maybe I can at least discuss future visits.
I just feel that because he has spent so much time away from us over the past few years, he is so disconnected and he needs to be home more to help him remember and feel his connection to us. Kind of the reverse strategy for most MB's.
But what takes place when he is home is what's important, I know. So I will concentrate on that.

Hi , many prays for you always thinking of you .
I really don't have much to say other then you should start thinking of what you think the best visitation is for children and let him come to terms of responsiblity .

He can't make up his own schdule , one needs to be set between the both of you .

My H and OW did this to me when he was out , they thought H could come and go freely while I was stuck with children as if I am the only parent .

If he was going to D he would have a set visitation with kids .

Not some , oh today OW is busy so let me see my kids .

Tell him he is laid off now and evry week end seems fare to start . If they have a game or outing well you will be there to , but you can leave after that , it is his time .

If it does not hurt to much then sleeping there , well I see nothing wrong with it cause it does keep children from seeing OW . I do know that is what your thinking .

If you demand the visits he will take them and they will be around her . I know I have been there .
I understand your fear. Also for there emotional well being . Thinking if you to do get back together and they where with her all this time it will confuse them .

They can not be with her unless you to D . JMVHO.

H will always come back with well they won't know the difference I will just tell them she is a freind . BBBBBBBBBBSSSSSSSSSSSS kids are smart and I know mine caught on very fast to what was going on , plus you can't keep a poker face on in front of them all day .

Well I guess I had alot to say . ARK has a good suggestion 180 is a great place to start between there and PLAN A .

A very wise person keeps reminding me you can not change H only your self .

If he wants D let him go for it , but by the hesitation I don't think he is sure .

BE STRONG , this takes awhile and you WILL stop feeling like this one day .