My friends are mounting a chorus of "Dump him! Dump him!"

H. moved in with OW nearly three weeks ago. There is a certain logic for divorcing quickly and moving on. H has a lot of unresolved problems that may not be solveable, and I might be able to cut a better deal while he's in a hormonally induced haze.

They are telling me that I am postponing action for emotional reasons (true) that may affect my family's well-being in the long term, since H is acting with total selfishness. They are saying not to shortchange myself and my family.

There is no indication he will come back to me after the A, anyway.

But still...

Has anyone encountered similar pressure? How do you deal with it?

They aren't the ones that have to live with your decision for the rest of your life.

They don't have to look into your eyes in the mirror every day for the rest of your life.

They don't have to live with your what ifs for the rest of your life.

You know, there seems to be this "dump the [censored]" mentality out there that I encounter quite often. For example, on my fitness forum right now, one of our members explained how her DH is a bad kisser and she wished he could kiss better. You wouldn't believe the responses she got to dump this guy!! She was told that if there was no fireworks now [and all she said was that he wasn't a good kisser] that there would never be fireworks. Honestly. No fireworks = dumpthebastard! Some people just do not understand that marriage is supposed to a lifelong committment - through the BAD and the good - and treat it as a toilet paper to be disposed of when the times get tough.

So, please just ignore the kneejerk reactions you get from the "dump the [censored]" crowd. Only you know the ENTIRE situation and only know what you can live with. This is your marriage and I hope you do everything in your power before you decide to move on.

Saw H for the first time in a week-and-a-half today -- we had to sign taxes. Still love him, but it really does feel hopeless.

Hanging on to hope -- what for! His behavior with OW has been very public -- I hoped the whole thing would burn through faster. Maybe not.

A.M.-
No one can tell you what is best for you in this drama. As others have said, you will be the one to live with your decision for the rest of your life, only you can make that decision. Really, if you have doubts about terminating the M, what's your hurry? Do you think you'll get a Dv deal that is measurably better by filing now instead of a few months from now? Something is telling you to go slow, listen to that voice.

I know what you mean about thinking the A will fizzle out by a certain time, or that some other milestone will occur by such and such a date. Unfortunately, the WS is working on their own timetable, and you're setting yourself up for disappointment if you put time limits on anything. Maybe even more dangerous is assuming the behavior you desire from WS will EVER occur. We BS's can only be certain of our own behavior, we can't make the WS do what we want them to do. It's frustrating but true.

I've been in Plan B for 3 months. My WH moved in with OW 12/31/02. I thought he'd be done with his fantasy by now, but I have to live with the fact that he isn't. My MIL, whom I love, keeps me informed about what WH says when he visits her (increasingly less frequently) and based on what he told her, she had me hoping that he'd move into his own apartment this past weekend. Well, he didn't, and I had a bad weekend. The solution to being burned again? I won't expect WH to do anything based on what he says he will do, and I'll spend less time thinking about him and more time on the things I DO have some control over. I'm not being a doormat, I'll know when it's time to call it quits, and I'm not quite there yet.

Hang in there, A.M., do something good for yourself tomorrow, not related to the A, OK?
Lablady

I hear it all the time

Finally, I told my friends, I understand their concerns and appreciate there honesty to tell me what they think. I realize that they are voicing these things because they really care about me.

I furhter explained that the decisions I make will be what I make, because I know for me it is the right thing to do. I also tell them the decisons I make today, are right for today, and tomorrow the decision maybe different because it is right for tomorrow. (now that I totally confused you. I will leave and go to bed)

This usually quites them up for a while.

Oh, I'm very much trying to move on. And out of the amateur psychoanalysis business, for which I've never received a penny.

One of the best pieces of advice I've received here is to not take the temperature hour to hour, day to day -- not try to interpret the odd rumor, comment or smile. But rather to look at overall trends. The overall trend is that he hasn't moved a single matchstick back into the house since he left. He hasn't given one real indication that he's reconsidering.

But file? I do think I could cut a better deal if I do it while he is with a woman who owns her own house, has an independent income, etc., rather than waiting till he's out of the A and living in a room somewhere -- when he's not floating in an imaginary security blanket. People are urging me to not sacrifice economic realities to emotional wishes and hopes. It's a real point. But how to evaluate...?

The woman is weird. The new couple is weird. Everyone thinks this is weird. OW has a history of psychological imbalances. But that's no guarantee he will come back to me when this is done.

<small>[ April 08, 2003, 11:37 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

AM,
If you start the divorce process it is quite likely that you will be divorced.

I'm one of the few who has entered that process and then recovered the marriage. It doesn't happen often.

You don't have to take your friends' advice to dump him. For that matter you don't have to take this forum's advice to go slow <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

You still love him and would want the marriage to work if your H also got to that point. Take a month, or 2 and stay at the point where reconciliation is possible for you. Don't worry about him and his patterns right now.

At the end of the month, re-evaluate what you want to do at that point.

Of course, when I did that, I ended up in Plan A for 18 months through 6 separations! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But, I don't regret it.

Thanks, Lor, thanks all. Divorce does look like a relief from it all -- and it could be a financial relief most of all.

People are pressuring me to get some sort of ongoing support from him. But if we're headed towards D, I'd rather get a lump sum and cut the ties. Wife #1 had ongoing financial connection, and it was a drag for all. Plus it gives him the illusion of being a "good husband," keeping ties alive, when he wasn't and hasn't been, but I guess his illusions are no longer my problem.

I'm not taking anything from him now. I will not set up separate bank account, etc., and move this more towards finality. Don't know how long I can hold out -- or if it's wise. But also, there are long-term problems to consider, and I don't want to dilute those issues with short-term solutions.

But the best thing, of course, would be for him to cut off the A and come home. This is so weird and so public.

And oh, Lor, what is to keep him from filing first?

He didn't in previous two marriages -- wives had to do it. But he's acting crazy, now, and I just don't know who he has turned into.

AMM:

Where's the fire? That's why HE hasn't filed. There is no fire. You, on the other hand, have said that you could cut a better deal for yourself by filing now, while he's "vulnerable" (in this hormonal haze). Would you feel good about your decision in years to come if you knew you "took advantage" of his vulnerability now?

So, maybe there isn't a fire after all. But it is your decision. Cogitate a bit and see if you could do what you're contemplating with a clear conscience. If so, go ahead. If not, there's no fire and nothing has to be done right now.

-Qfwfq

Am, My lawyer told me there was no benefit, or loss, to the person who filed first (60 day no fault state). You could check with a lawyer to see if that is the case in your state or if there are financial moves you should make.

Consulting with a lawyer isn't the same as starting the divorce.

QFWQ: Yes, I could do this with a clear conscience. Believe me, I am very vulnerable, and he is not. He is being ruthless with my life. He will be okay, no matter what. The OW is a woman who owns house, etc., he feels secure right now.

The "fire" is that he is being wild financially -- wild with assets that will be in question if we do go through a d. It's hard to explain...

I don't want to be ruthless -- I want to spend the rest of my life loving him. The point is: I would rather have a reconciliation. I just don't want to be penalized by my own naivete and trust. I want to live with him -- but he's not thinking along those lines. I don't want to be penalized by my own wishful thinking.

Lor, what state are you in?

<small>[ April 09, 2003, 02:03 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

So why does a divorce mean you have lost him for good??? IF you divorce him and align your affairs so you dont lose you protect your future IN CASE he dont return,BUT, lets say in a year he's on the street looking to reunite with you, why cant you take him back?? Do whats best for the short term and let the long term be dealt with as it happens, protect your family, he's out getting what he THINKS he wants, and its not you.Take what you can get,you always have the option of taking him back even if your divorced.

AMM:

fortyone's got a point. You could also consider legal separation, and have a lawyer and mediator separate your finances so you're protected.

-Qfwfq

I'll check into that. But it sounds like you get all the wrangling and acrimony of divorce negotiations without the benefits.

AMM:

What benefits? Seems the only benefit is that he can continue his A with a clear conscience once he's DV'd (though the new R would be unlikely to succeed since it started as an A and broke up his family).

Unless you're anxious to start dating again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

-Qfwfq

He has a completely untroubled conscience, and is behaving publicly as if the A is perfectly okay. A divorce won't affect him at all. He's pretty thick-skinned. I am unlikely to be "dating" again -- the market for divorced mothers in their forties is soft as a baked apple. And frankly, I've had it.

The "benefit" would be to cut the cord permanently with a man who is selfish and immature. And I still love him.

(An added twist: it would leave him free to marry OW, which would be fun to watch, as she is also selfish, immature, and bizarre as well. But I honestly can't imagine it lasting that long.)

AMM:

I truly admire your ability to detach that well. I'm not being sarcastic when I say that. I have had a very hard time doing that.

If it's that easy, then maybe DV is the right thing to do for you. I don't know.

-Qfwfq