Hi out there, I haven't been on in a while. I am finding that I've missed the MB site. When I become frustrated, someone is always there encouraging me.

Question... I'm seperated from WS (for about 2 months now), and I feel like just when I think we are making some positive progress, I end up back on that rollercoaster. WS says he wants to save marriage but hasn't shown action to back it up. For example he hasn't taken action to go back to the counselor but says he will. Says he will start putting family first on priority, but doesn't. He is constantly angry and lashes out at me and the kids all the time.

He told me we wouldn't be able to work on our marriage until I stopped the seperation process and let him move back in the house. I feel that would be detrimental. I let him stay over this past weekend and he just slid back into his same old patterns. It was like for him that he never left. He won't talk about the hard issues.

It's funny, too, because when he kept leaving the country to go to Cuba on his "business trips", I said that we should compromise and I should go w/ him when he goes. He refused. I told him that he needed to make sure I could get in touch w/ him when down there (renting a cell phone for international roaming), he refused. I asked him to put all trips to Cuba on hold until marital issues were worked out, he refused. He even took off a couple of weeks ago for 4 days to Cuba and didn't tell me or the kids. We had absolutely no way to get in touch w/ him. What's worse is that he called his dad everyday from there w/ a new lie, saying he was tied up in court in Miami etc... The very night he did return to the U.S. was the night the war broke out AND... that evening a plane from Cuba was hijacked. This hijacker could have easily have been in the airport at the same time as my WS!

NOW HE SAYS... he'll "scale back" his trips, but I don't think he should have anything to do w/ Cuba. No business, no humanitarian work, no hoochie!

I've been too patient and I'm not sure I'm going to have anything left for him pretty soon. I feel like he's yanking me around. I have been strong and have sought the advice of many wise people...you all... christian marriage therapists... pastors... friends... and lots of books, including Dr. Harley's. Is there just a time when you just say forget it and throw in the towel? You know, I really don't want to live my life w/ him the way it was. I've done a lot of growing and feel like if I went back w/ him again someday I would truly lose what I have worked so hard to gain. Any words of comfort or advice out there?

Hi Ljkm3,

Wondered where you been? Well sounds like your roller coaster is still on the move but you sound much stronger. You ready to take that step? Words are much easier than actions. I don't want to disappoint you just throw a bit of reality your way.

You have the right to be treated right. Where is the WS now? Are the trips to Cuba strictly A related?

Have you checked out all your options? I recommend a couple of sessions with Steve or Jennifer. They are actually quite good. They can be very helpful in making your progress sucessful.

I know you feel as if you are at a turning point but you also will need further support since any fallback at this time could bring on depression. I may not be explaining this correctly but I know what I went through. Just when I thought I had my act together the WS threw a curve ball. Somehow my 'buttons' were still exposed and he found them. Pushed them hard and for a while I was tottering on the brink of ending it all. Not a good place to be. So I recommend you have a session or 2 with either Steve or Jennifer.

take care,
L.

Hey! Glad to hear from you! WS is just down the street from me staying w/ his brother and family. The problem is that he comes over every day. He hangs out here. And usually when he's getting ready to leave he asks if he is allowed to stay. I know I made a big mistake by letting him stay over the weekend so I feel I took many steps back in progress.

You know, you're right.. I am kinda of feeling depressed. I hate this too b/cause I was much more confident before the weekend.

I finally got in to see this new counselor and he said w lot of what I already know. He also told me to shun him until he breaks completely and wants to get serious about working on the marriage. As a matter of fact, he doesn't want to see him until he is sure he's serious. He told me that satan has him by the throat! I like this guy's approach b/cause he is more in line w/ Dr. Dobson. He also has authored some books, titled..."I don't love you anymore" and "Men are Clams and Women are Crowbars" and A marriage after God's heart. I couldn't believe this guy is in my area so I put myself on a waiting list to get in to see him. But I'm finding it very hard to actually shun him b/cause he is always around and as you said, pushes my buttons. What the heck am I gonna do? I swear I'm losing any love I have left for WS.I'm just so over this!

As far as Cuba is concerned, no it's not all A related. He is involved in business dealings and family ties. It's just that any of the business he says he has going on is not urgent. He always says whatever trip he's on is urgent. He seems to be playing such games. Do you think he's just stalling so that he can plan his exit from this M? I'm so tired of his dismissal of the ongoing problems.

How did you get into seeing Steve or Jennifer? Would they be able to talk to me relatively quickly? How did thing begin to finally turn around for you? (if I asked tht Q already, please forgive me) And how are things going today for you?