My H moved in with OW about three weeks ago.

Now she is the gatekeeper for my H. Last night I had to phone and leave message, and I occasionally see "them" in public, as they are very brazen about all of this.

I have avoided telephoning, but sometimes (as last night, an emergency) it is necessary.

I've thought of asking in a very cool and aloof voice, "May I speak to my husband?" but that would probably just p*ss everyone off, and he has no husbandly feelings towards me at present. It might hasten things towards D.

Do I just breeze by her in public, as I have been doing? Point and giggle?

Fortunately, when I phoned last night, she wasn't home. I knew she wouldn't be. I passed her an hour earlier on the highway, leaving town at about 6 p.m. He sounded kind of wild at first, if it's not my imagination. I'm trying not to read hope into this. Can't imagine them having a blow-out this early, but hope springs eternal.

Anyway, it's unlikely to happen again this way, and I may need to phone in future. So how do I work with the gatekeeper?

<small>[ April 10, 2003, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

The gatekeeper?

in a way that provides no ammunition.

if your nice and polite it will be difficult for her to pass the phone with a quip about you being such a b$$ch! it may also give her pause if your even loving as she might not have good data about you.

If you H has done nothing but complain about you then her picture of you is distorted and gives her justification for her actions. if it turns out your a reasonable woman who loves her H and wants him to be happy it might just change their relationship.

good luck

Actually, the OW knows me a little, though they were playing all sorts of immature games around me, as if I were mommy and they had to circumvent me. That's why I had to ask him to leave: I wasn't his jailer or his mommy.

I have been on both sides of this situation. Personally I think that the best revenge is to live well.

When my beloved left me for another I played it cool, calm and collected where the other person was concerned. It broke my heart, but I remained polite and courteous, but not friendly. I would deal with them with the attitude of "my life is so fabulous, why in the world would I have time to even think of you."

When I was the OW, anytime the BS freaked out or was nasty we'd sit back and say "see...always knew shew as crazy." There are not easy answers on this one. At the end of hte say I say you can't go wrong trying to "kill 'em with kindness."

I really got mines attention when I told her what a big favor she did me!....It took a while to get to that point but it really floored her!

I said..oh yeah I just want to thank you, you did me a big favor. I didnt know how good life could be...let her wonder about that one for a while.

I told her I found him out the hard way and she would in time!

AM,
I'm with the others, whatever you can do with dignity.

When you call, ask for your H by name--although, he is your "husband" and if you want to ask for him that way...it is reality.

If she wants to engage you in why you are calling, repeat that you'd like to speak to "H". You don't have any friendly chatting obligations to her, unless YOU want to.

I don't run into the FOW often, but I do see her at H's work socials. I ignore her, look past her like she isn't there, as I've discovered if I do meet her gaze, my eyes turn into flameshooters and, at this point, she is not worth that sort of energy. But then, she's never tried to approach me, like the OW has with you.

If she says hello, how about a nod and moving on?

Thanks Lor et al. I'll take your advice. Dignity is best.

Wait! Wait! Wait! I have one more question about OW. On the rare occasions that H has come to my house to let his son use his car, he's walked down the street to let OW pick him up several blocks away.

This seems strange, and I never asked for it, yet I do appreciate not having OW in my driveway.

I feel they imagine they are bending over backwards not to "hurt" me -- all the while being publicly brazen and in-yo'-face with their R.

I haven't discussed this with H at all, and don't intend to, though other people have told him he is being insensitive to the max.

Is there anything to do about this strange pretense of being considerate, when, in fact, they are being tacky, crude, and selfish?

Probably not -- but this driveway thing does seem a bit absurd; I am likely to let it ride.

Also, when H talks to me, he pretends like OW doesn't exist -- refers to all events in first person singular, so I have to say, "OW is going too?" and things like that. Maybe that's another pretense of being sensitive, yet it is a bit strange. I don't understand what his game is.

Bizarre.

AM, I think that singular pronoun "I'm doing X" is more a symptom of an ability to obscure the facts for his convenience and comfort than sensitivity to you. And, maybe the driveway thing is the same, avoiding conflict, not sensitivity.

Strange, Lor, I was a freaked-out basket case in January, D-Day, when he told me the A was over.

I've been non-stop kind and reasonable Plan A since end of February (that means absolutely no breakdowns since then, except maybe one fit of exasperation, rather than anger) -- that includes finding out the A had started up again, that he had been lying to me daily, etc., etc., etc. I was rational, calm, etc., even when throwing him out of the house.

Both of them seem to want to project their extreme behavior onto me -- I am the nut case that has to be placated, not them, no never them. Any way to break this? They just don't want to see themselves as tacky, selfish, and completely indifferent to others.

I think their nutty thoughts and behaviors are beyond your control.

And, if they want to placate you...that seems better than attacking you? They should in fact fear that you remain sane & reasonable, it makes them look bad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

It does sound strange that they are so blatant & tacky about their relationship at this stage, him not divorced...or even in the process.

I think you are doing fine, there's nothing to be gained by making any kind of scene with them, and if you have the self-control to stay a rational course, that is a credit to your mental health.

Let the natural consequences to them happen.

Strange, Lor, I was a freaked-out basket case in January, D-Day, when he told me the A was over.

I've been non-stop kind and reasonable Plan A since end of February (that means absolutely no breakdowns since then, except maybe one fit of exasperation, rather than anger) -- that includes finding out the A had started up again, that he had been lying to me daily, etc., etc., etc. I was rational, calm, etc., even when throwing him out of the house.

Both of them seem to want to project their extreme behavior onto me -- I am the nut case that has to be placated, not them, no never them. Any way to break this? They just don't want to see themselves as tacky, selfish, and completely indifferent to others.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>Any way to break this? They just don't want to see themselves as tacky, selfish, and completely indifferent to others.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If the admitt it they have to admitt that their A is wrong. There is nothing you could do but don't let it get to you like this.

-JMHO -rh-