How come WS's are afraid to tell about their A? After all they seem to be able to have enough nerve to use their body and mind to satisfy a complete stranger. And then they seem to mostly defend the stepping out after having been found out. Why not come clean from the start. Say, I am unhappy. Say, I need to find someone else. But, say it and leave before they get involved with a new person. How do we get to the point in marriage that began beautifully, with all the earnest intention of holding up the love and values of marriage and end up with such losses. Hurting spouses and hurting children. It seems against all logic. Betrothal is sacred. Is it because the WS thinks that they deserved better and ended up with less? Is it our fast geared society that is driving us apart. I am well read but still feel perplexed.

It's is called the FOG!

State of mind or the lack thereof. When one resorts to using their brain as a cushion instead of a functioning organ designed to design.

You are asking for logic but in the fog, there is no such thing. So the BS and the rest of the world sit look stupified to those heavily breathing the fog.

You'd be surprised what kind of conversations they have. I forget who just posted a piece of an e-mail between the OW and WS. How do they communicate? Like as if it is a script. Like a story....like anything but normal people.

Hey some of them even take on our titles (Mrs. etc.) and play pretend house. The OW in my case called my H on our home phone and accused him of commiting 'emotional adultery' on her when he decided to come home to his family. Then at a much later date, she accused him of having an A on her! Imagine that, a WS being disloyal to an OW?!?!??! What is this fogged world coming to?

Don't try to find logic in the fog. It will give you a headache.

L.

My h's girlfriend before I even knew they were seeing each other wanted to meet his parents. Then when my h moved in with her she told me she won and they were going to get married, and her 3 kids and our 3 kids were going to live together just like the Brady Bunch. He isn't allowed at the house and I couldn't even talk to him.

How come WS's are afraid to tell about their A? Because they (we) know what we are doing is absolutely wrong. Sick as it sounds, they (we) don't want to hurt the BS. There's a rediculous notion though, I know. The very act of lying hurts the BS, let alone the A. That and as wise Orchid points out, the fog is a thick thing!

Why not come clean from the start. Say, I am unhappy. Say, I need to find someone else. But, say it and leave before they get involved with a new person. IHMO, because they (we) feel like our spouse won't listen or really hear us if we do try to communicate our needs. That's a totally lame excuse though. I wish I had just made how I felt clear to my H. But to be honest, we were at a point where he wouldn't really listen, and would tell me, "You don't like things as they are? Well tough. You've got it pretty good baby so stop your whining." That's just my case though.

Is it because the WS thinks that they deserved better and ended up with less? Is it our fast geared society that is driving us apart. Maybe to an extent for some it's b/c they think they deserved better. I think it's b/c they (we) fall into the fog and are dumb enough to think that having an A will make us feel better. Short term only though, long term pain! The fast geared society idea my hold some water, we often don't devote enough time to our relationships, and that reduces their quality as a natural result I think.

Really, I have this feeling I'll get flamed bigtime by you, since I'm a FWS, and it appears that this is all fresh for you, but this is just my take on your questions. Hope it was of some use.

Jen

I feel better. I don't want to label anyone as good or bad. I got both in myself. But I need to understand this stuff. I used to be trusting, naive, and when I started to feel unsure... I think our(my s and I) began to have problems initially in our marriage-from the beginning. He always valued work first. I recognized this before marriage. I addressed it. It went in one ear and out the other! We made a home, 3 precious children. I left my profession to be the home care person and he went to excell at his work. I think we did not always pick the best friends to be with and strategically, yet too late, removed them from the list. We drank alcohol liberally at Christmas parties. We know the probs. here. I found out about some of his indescretions. He denies that he did wrong. I heard the comment he made to a secretary that was no mistake a blatant wrong. She worked with him for a couple monthes, got a hefty bonus and went to work for someone else. I was aware of her and she seemed loose, young to me, sexy too. He actually told me of a rumor with someone else and his expectation of me,...I don't know. I was stewing. But I knew that something was up. I don't know if he has had sex but Strongly feel that emotional bonds were made and broken over time. It would explain his verbally demeaning language toward me. He did this both privately and publicly. Despite the probs, I worked toward getting us on the path. I have been so mad at times. In his sleep he is talking to someone and says sexy things. It was hard to sleep and I just wanted to eavesdrop any way. I was totally repulsed by him before I actually had the extent of knowledge now. He used to stay out late after work and went into work when he didn't have to. I actually did try to spy a little but I am a failure at that. We got to improve after a rather big fight. Counseling no drinking. It is succesful. I am concerned about the honesty of the past. I want to know everything. I don't think he will respect me fully the way I need til he does tell me all. And I can then get completly over it and get on with all the good things. He has said that I just don't trust him and last Sep. I said he was right. I got him to stop the blocking to a point. I don't know folks at work. He has more understanding of how I feel . I want to love him completely. He says he loves me and I know he does. He has had bad habits and is stopping them for me. I still feel somewhat insecure. Somewhat comforted. I lost a ton of weight and look terrifac. I know that helped get his eyes off the sexatary- I guess I need support here ...I need prayer to keep me from bad anger. In the recent past I did not drink much just 2 glasses in the evening with dinner. When I felt down I would have more. We quit because our communication was turning into fights.