Hi All.

I know it's been a while, but life is DEFINATELY getting better....

I have reached a place where X no longer has the controlling "power" over me. This is a really good thing because for a while, I believed EVERYTHING that he told me. Too Much Coffe Man really brought this home for me...I want to thank you personally for that.

I'm not saying that his presence doesn't affect me...I still wish that we had given each other the gift of a second chance, but I know that I REALLY gave it all I had. I am walking away : Guilt Free. Sure I still have ANGER when I see him, but not seeing him seems to help that problem. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It is especially hard when he is being nice to me and I am reminded of the person I knew...in the beginning.

Anyway...here's the update.

His GF moved in. I did some LEGAL research in my own.

What I discovered FLOORED me. I found a case in my state that supported everything that I believed about this settlement. It didn't matter if we were married or not. Here is the exact verbage from the court decision:

"In the present case, the court finds that NO agreement or understanding existed between the parties that each would acrue INDIVIDUAL credit for each contribution ,ade to BUY and KEEP the home be applied to the proceeds resulting from a future sale. Every sum used for the se purposes was a GIFT to the other as a joint owner so that any disparity in amount contributed is IMMATERIAL!"

I bought everything he was telling me! That I had NO RIGHTS to the hhome...and I was willing to walk away with the short on my back because I didn't think I had rights.

Then upon futher investigation I discovered that if something happens while GF is living under the roof of that home, she can sue me!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I am 100% liable as HE is 100% liable. I've contacted my lawyer to discuss a few things....hopefully she will call soon. I feel VERY strong because the law is on my side. This isn't about punishing...I just want what is mine and then I want to walk away peacefully..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for the support everyone....

I am very glad to hear that you've come out of that "different fog" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and got the information necessary.

The legal way, and the "right" way to do things, is usually the hardest in the short term. But in the long term, it is FANTASTIC to KNOW that you've done all you could possibly do.

Good for you Kily! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen

Just wanted to say I&#8217;m glad you are doing well. Keep reading and learn all you can. I wish you the best for you in the future.

---
I'm the FWW

HI guys-

Topie, thanks for the support. I know you've had you trials and tribulations too. I know exactly how you felt when the courts gave you custody.

LWH-
Thanks for your support. It's not easy, but it is getting better.

All -

So I informed X that I wanted AM to sign the waiver and that I was setting this up in a four way. As usual he started ranting.

"This is always about you, For the last three years it's been about you, I'm tired of it being about you. I hope your happy now. This whole thing started because you were unhappy. I was hoping when all of this was over we could be friends. It's looking like this is less and less possible..." (Note: escalating tone. I began to feel anxious as I listened.)

My response: "It isn't about friendship. You lied to me and had someone move in against my wishes. I have to protect myself against future potential lawsuits. If you were smart, you would do the same..." (Note: Very calm and to the point.)I then said that we can't discuss the house or DS without a lawyer present because it doesn't do us any good.

Then the rants again: You always have to protect yourself .....yatta, yatta, yatta....

Am I missing something? I thought that I was being pretty practical and fair. Why is he making ME out to be some bad guy when all I want is to protect myself? Suprisingly, I was only affected by his tirades for a minute. Then I stepped back and remembered where my notivations were sourcing from and I was able to find my peace again.

Is he angry because I am moving on?

Why can't he see that I NEED to protect my income and property? Is he that far in the FOG?

kily:

"Am I missing something? I thought that I was being pretty practical and fair. Why is he making ME out to be some bad guy when all I want is to protect myself?"

Precisely because he ISN'T doing this. He isn't thinking about sensible, practical things. Only what he wants.

"Suprisingly, I was only affected by his tirades for a minute. Then I stepped back and remembered where my notivations were sourcing from and I was able to find my peace again."

And this is because you know a lot that he doesn't.

"Is he angry because I am moving on?"

Probably.

"Why can't he see that I NEED to protect my income and property? Is he that far in the FOG?"

Possibly.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ♥Qfwfq

Hi Kily

I think that as soon as you look in control, they don't like it. I had e-mails from H asking why I needed information about his pension when "we" were going to agree a financial settlement. Funny, last time we met I was subjected to a barrage of abuse about how "he" was entitled to half of everything that I had put in. This is when I took futher legal advice and was told how substantial his pension could be and that irrespective of whether or not I wanted any (I don't want a bean, all I want is what I put in), we still need to log all our assets with the court, both joint and single. I had told him that too in our last correspondence, he is getting worried that "he" may actually come out with much much less than I originally offered him when I met him that awful Thursday night a couple of weeks back.

Kily, you like me are now by yourself, but you have the added responsibility of supporting your son. You must be practical and take what is yours to build for your future without XBF. You are entitled, it is fair, he doesn't like it. Why? Because he probably would prefer to be able to intimidate the old Kily through guilt and the "it's all your fault, you were never happy" thing. Gosh, does this sound familiar to me.....

Kily, take good care of yourself. I'm glad you feel you are getting to a better place, but do remember you still may have bad days, but that's OK, because the bad days show us how far we really have come......

Wishing you well from sunny London on a Saturday morning.

Lisa

Kily,
I'm glad to hear that you're becoming more enlightened and strong. I admire you very much, and I thank you for all you've given me here.

Take care of yourself , and stay strong!

H_P

My H's gf is talkig about life insurance already together, no papers aren't even filed yet between my H and I.

goldielocks109,

That is so SAD! I haven't followed your story, but I plan on looking into it. I just decided that letting go was better for me. I tried my hardest to obtain a second chance and it simply wasn't supposed to happen.

The interesting thing is that now I only have contact when it is ABSOLUTELY necessary. When I do have that contact, he is wondering what is up with me. He doesn't seem to understand that I am not "dancing" anymore....I love him, and always will have that special place for him, BUT, I realized that he does not care either way. That is okay with me.

HP:
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I miss those long talks with you. I've been following when you post, but everyone says basically the same thigns that I would. I'm proud of where you are at. You're doign great.

LIL-

I read your reply and realized just how similar our sitch's are. Both of us care VERY much for our former life partners. Both of us were the WS. Now you are a BS, I'm not sure WHAT S I am, maybe a NS.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

What I've been reflecting on lately is that it IS time to protect myself financially as you are doing. I am also wondering if the desire to rebuild a life - long lost - will ever completely be gone. I've started to think about what life with another person would be like, and I'm wondering if that small pull deep inside will ever fully be gone. I think you know fully well what that feeling is about.

The place I am at lately is that I no longer am accountable to X. Up until recently, I continued to provide details and feel guilt when I didn't meet his expectations. Now, I simply sit through the guilt, rationalize the situation, and let it roll off me. He isn't quite sure WHAT to make of this...often he asks questions and when I give him no input, he thinks I'm angry. I think that now the roles have once again reversed and he is starting to realize that I am moving on and I will not be in his life, but this time I'm not RUNNING away. I'm choosing to stand on my own two feet and say:

"I love you. I am not willing to accept the behavior that you have towrds me. I will not accept the lies that I used to believe. You are special to me, but I can no longer watch you self destruct and blame me for all of YOUR issues. I will be here as someone that cares about you, but I will no longer be abused by you. I deserve a committed relationship with an equal, and I was willing to do the work that was necessary to get us there. Since you have decided that I am not worthy of being your partner, I will accept that and find someone that is worthy of being MY partner. "

Lisa-I'm sure your feelings mirror these. Just continue to believe in yourself and the good things will continue to happen. Thanks for the support.

Q-Thanks for reassuring me that my choices are intelligent ones. It's really easy to cross the line when you're angry. I like to turn to you guys as a meaure. Lord knows that I've made MANY mistakes. I want to do the best that I can to ensure that it NEVER happens again. I've hurt this man in many ways. If I need to hurt him to protect myself, I want to ensure that the reasons are legitimate and not vegenful. You've helped me confirm what I believed.....thanks.