I just found out that my wife has spent the day with the OM. As some of you know she told me to give her another month to figure things out. I think she is moving in the OM direction based on what I'm seeing. If she tells me that she wants to be with the OM how do I respond? Do any of you have any experience with this? I just started thinking about it and I want to have a good idea of what I'm going to say ahead of time. I believe this will be something I haven't had to deal with yet because she is going to make a decision (at least for now) who she wants to be with and cut the other one loose.

starman:

I'm very sorry to hear this. I guess it was a possibility you were "prepared" for, though?

A lot depends on how long you've been plan Aing (I honestly don't remember) and how comfortable you feel with how you've done. If you feel good about your plan A, maybe it's time to write a plan B letter, let her go, and go dark. I don't like plan B myself, but I can certainly see it's use in cases like yours. In my case, my W didn't ever want to move out, so it's been much less clear-cut whether there ever was a time for plan B, and the efficacy of it would have been debatable (heck, it WAS debated here a LOT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

But it also sounds like your W is wanting to leave, not because she's angry at you, but because she's really confused. Sounds like she loves both of you, or thinks she does. She also sounds like she thinks she can manage that, and so would love to have "permission" to fence-sit - hence this "experiment" of hers.

A lot of what you decide to do depends on how you feel about how you CAN do with this kind of situation. Does it drive you so nuts that you think you might be better off just severing contact with her if she moves out? Or do you have a strong enough grip on your feelings that you could plan A remotely?

Another thing that I don't remember about your sitch. Is the OM married? If so, does his W know? (well, if they're planning to move in together, I guess he must not be, or she does!). Does his family know? Does his employer know? (though that's not so likely to be helpful to anybody). And finally, does HE know that YOU don't want to lose your W? That you're willing to do whatever it takes to keep your M? ...he might not care in any case.

I hope others chime in with their own experiences. I know the weekend's almost here and it tends to get quiet on here over weekends.

-Qfwfq

I am not rembering all of your situation , but I agree with Q , If you feel confident that your PLAN A is going well and your some what ok with YOURSELF , then in my experiance , I would say let her go her own way and continue to PLAN A .

HAVEING some contact if she leaves is good to continue to show PLAN A , and to still give her space .

FROM my personal experiance 2yrs back , all I wanted has for H to make decision , once he did I gave him all the room he needed to fall flat on his face .

Sometimes one needs to take a risk , she will be taking one if she leaves you and you will be taking one in leting her go .

RESPONSE well tell her YOU LOVE HER , and feel in your heart that things between the 2 of you could be wonderful , but because you love her you will respect her decision and one you pray that she can live with .

Allowing her to fence -sit is horriable , and can really take a toll on your self-estem ( I know I am M to a cake eater , fencesitter , conflict avoiding JERK)

Anyway that is JMVHO , Letting go alittle some times will help you grow in ways you can't imagine , it gives you so much time to really be you with no presures . And they do come running back . THE GRASS IS NOT ALWAYS GREENER (it is food coloring LOL)

week ends are so slow it sucks .

BE STRONG , know what ever she chooses , you can only change you not her .

ditto Q

Check with Steve.

IF she decides to "try" this, did she indicate she would move out? How does she intend to do this with the kids?

I think what you need to do is figure out a way to let her make her own decisions, but keeping the kids out of it.

This could be exactly what is needed. Let her go, but the kids stay. Keep your stance regarding the children - you did a fantastic job at this on the "visiting" issue. No compromising here.

If she persists - even with your constraints regarding the kids - you have a perfect Plan B opportunity. She decides to separate - then YOU decide to STAY separated.

The ramifications will be remarkable.

Discuss these scenarios thoroughly with Steve.

WAT

Starman-
Your WW and my WH have a lot in common. Both want to experiment with OP until they come to a decision regarding whom they ultimately want to be with. In my case it seemed that WH would never know what he wanted unless he tried living w/OW. Although it was difficult, I knew he would leave to be with her, and he moved into her house 12/31/02. He's still there. I dont' know how this drama will play out, but whatever happens WH will never have the luxury of asking himself "what if", he's living it right now.

Starman, from reading your posts, you have done all you can do to let your WW know you love her and want to stay married to her. She has not fully taken you up on your offer. I agree with WAT, if you can keep your kids with you, let her go. If you do let her go, she may find out that OM is not the fantasy savior she thinks he is. If you don't let her go, she may stay with you but always put him on a pedestal, wondering "what if", and making your M recovery that much more difficult.

It's a gamble, Starman, but the odds are on our side. Both our WS's are 90-95% likely to find out that the fantasy is just that - not a sustainable relationship. I hope both our WS's come to their senses - soon.

Lablady

Just my opinion, but if she tells you she wants to move out and stay with OM, tell her "OK." Let her go. I'd also start working on the legal aspects of things. Holding on is one thing, but (and I'm not aware of your whole story) there isn't much benefit to be gained by you if you try to hold on to something you do not have.

In one of my friends' weddings, the minister mentioned something about your marriage is like holding a handfull of sand. If you keep your grasp on it, it will remain, but if you try to tighten your hold on it, it will slip through your fingers.

If your wife wants to leave, you cannot stop her. Your efforts will be futile and drive her further away. It is your choice how long you are prepared to wait after she moves out, but in my opinion, it is time for plan B.

I would respond "I'm sure you can make it work if you try hard enough, after all, all relationships have the possibility for happiness if enough effort is given"...then walk away and Plan B with all your might.

Good luck Starman...your wife sounds like she's playing the same game I did. It's not a fun one...

To tell you the truth...after going back (in my mind) to our situation I'm reminded of something that most likely is true in your situation as well. I doubt VERY MUCH that a month or a few months or even a year will make things clear enough for your wife to make this decision. The fact is she's biding time waiting for answers to come that feel good and are easy to impliment. Those answers don't exist.

What will happen is that either you or the OM will get tired of this and the decision will be made for her with much fuss and pain. At that point your wife will feel jilted that she didn't ever get enough time/space/whatever to make the decision.

If you haven't had a good Plan A, then give her the month and do that. But if you've been a good husband and she doesn't really have solid grounds for her anger...Plan B her now. Tell her that you've made the decision for her because you know that if effort is made any relationship can be formed and it seems her efforts are towards leaving the marriage.

I think that the only way she can make a clear decision is to have some of her "choices" taken away. It doens't mean you truly give up...just let her get a taste of the reality she's about to drop upon you all.

Atleast that's the way it played out for us....2 years worth of fence jumping and confusion.

One of the dangers of waiting too long before implementing plan B, is that the BS will have lost enough love for the WS that s/he will not care about saving the M and head straight for divorce. This is not my opinion but of Cerri's (she's an MB trained marriage coach).

Your situation may be one of those that can go for the long haul, and unless you protect your love bank for your WW from closing, you won't be around for recovery, even if she comes out of the fog and is sincere about wanting to work on the M.

Just like winning a lawsuit is not just about winning the case but ALSO of being able to collect the judgement, so it is with an A. It is not enough for the A to end but ALSO to have enough love (on your side) to endure the recovery phase. It is unfair, I know, but if you TRULY want to do EVERYTHING in your power, then you MAY have to implement plan B very soon.

Thanks all of you. I think you have given good advice and is in line with what I have decided to do. Unless Steve tells me differently on Monday I'm going to give her the rest of the month she has asked for and then insist that she move out. That was the plan the last time I talked with SH but I wasn't sure if my WW wouldn't make the decision before the month was out. I realized I didn't know what to do in that scenario. Now I am prepared and feel that I can make it to the end of the month if I need to.

Coffeeman is exactly right. I didn't know if I could make it to the end of the month because I am VERY close to not caring at all anymore and just want this to end. So I'm holding her to only the month she asked for as much to protect the feelings I have left for my wife as anything else. I knew it was getting to be time for plan B when I started HOPING she would decide to move out completely.