Been here too long. Apparantly my flower bed is not progressing as well as it should.

Marriage is slowly, piece by piece, returning to pre A status.

After finding out about his A he "appeared" to make changes- SF a need of mine was actually better than it had been in a long time BUT now everything seems to be falling by the wayside.

When I try to tell him about my needs I get
"I can't make you happy anymore" not, "What can we do, what is the problem, not any care in the world about what he can do to make changes. Not any care about what I may need. He lives in a selfish world, he does not control me, he does not care what I do or when or with whom. He makes no time to spend time with me. He meets none of my financial, emotional, or domestic needs. He tells me I have to make my own choices. He would never stop me, if I want to stay fine, if not I have that right to go on with my life.

I guess I wanted to know if others had this same sort of response when trying to talk about needs. I end up feeling badly about " expecting" from him- he has such a way of flipping tables on me. He doesn't "expect" from me- takes me as is- but then again, he also isn't completely truthful, faithful or attentive.

Just curious, how many of you have a spouse who retaliates with this?

oh and also, he absolutely hates for me to talk about my "job" I can't share anything with him cause "he doesn't know those people, and it bores him" (I work with tiny people <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

i know how you feel. by the way i work with tiny people too....tiny heads and miniscule hearts. i struggle with the same thing. but i think my h knows what i need and now just won't even try to meet my neds so i get fed up and leave. that day will happen but he sure can make it fo fster and this ain't the way....

i know how you feel. by the way i work with tiny people too....tiny heads and miniscule hearts. i struggle with the same thing. but i think my h knows what i need and now just won't even try to meet my neds so i get fed up and leave. that day will happen but he sure can make it fo fster and this ain't the way....

Yes, know how you feel. Mine does not put me "first", His wants, needs and desires always come first. He expects me to "assist, and help him" in any way I can but he does not do the same for me.

Sorry for ranting, really to the end of a very very long rope (and I am proud to say I have not yet strangled him with it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

(((((( k9love ))))))

As usual, I'm sorry that he just doesn't "get it". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My H never did get it either. His core belief is that "if things are meant to be, then things will always be good". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> WHATEVER! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He's in for one miserable life, forever on a search for his "soulmate" that won't disappear on him after a few months; when those new and tingly feelings start to become real life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It amounts to the fact that your H continues to refuse to take part in the M. Oh, he'll "take" alright... but his giver is deeply buried underneath fog residue, or something like it.

Be glad you have your plan. I believe you'll be the happier person by following through with it, because you have been doing your best to have a fulfilling M with your H. You can leave with peace in your heart, and not an ounce of "what if I did this or that?".

Karen

I'm not too sure of your situation, so if I'm making a general incorrect blanket statement, I apologize.

Many times, men and women communicate in different ways. This may be a case of a communication problem.

How do you try to tell him about your needs? Do you say "You never take me out anymore." and expect him to meet your need for romance? You may not see a problem with it, but he might be interpreting it as "She's right, I don't take her out. I am a failure. I cannot make her happy. I've been busy working for us and she can't appreciate the time I've spent trying to build us a better life." If you want to go out to eat, find a restaurant and say "Hey, there's a new Red Lobster (or whatever) down the road. I think it would be great if we tried to eat there." He'd probably respond with an "OK, grab your coat...we're going."

My point is that sometimes, we men are pigs and we do not see through the "hints" that women try to give us. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care, but that you might need to modify your approach.

Like I said earlier, if this is not applicable, I apologize in advance.

Oh, by the way, I can relate about the talking about the job. I work in the computer field. My STBX is a high school teacher. I loved hearing stories of something funny a kid or a teacher might say. However, if I tried to talk about my job or the people at work, I'd get the same response. I am a coder, so I don't always have funny stories. I'd try to get her to look at the stuff I did, just to say "Hey, look, this is what I do all day." She took no interest, even in the finished product, saying she didn't understand, so she didn't want to look at it. Not even 5 minutes. It takes a long time to write programs that work and I felt like a painter who spent weeks on a painting, and then the one he loved the most would not take a minute to look at it because it might be a little on the abstract side.

What she ended up getting was someone who when asked about there day said. It was OK, just like normal. Then she wondered why she never "knew me" and had an affair.

Sorry for the vent, but I'm not in too good of a mood this morning.

Topie: Hey kiddo, yep you are so right. He can't "get it" because it's not part of his personality ya see? At least that's what he tells me, when I say "I wish you would tell me, or ask me, or get my opinion on something "you" (and possibly me- if I so desire) are going to do before you tell other people.

In other words, we are in town, he runs into a friend and says "yeah, tomorrow if I get my stuff done, I think we'll run to the mountains for a ride"

Hmmmmmm, let's see I was standing beside him, yet this was the first I had heard of this. Now don't get me wrong, I don't have to go if I would rather not, but this is what "his" plans are. THIS is how he does me. Always has and unfortunately probably always will. He decides what he's going to do, and then if I want I can go along.

Along with this he prides himself on "not policing me, or telling me I can't do things with my friends if I want"

Hoping- when I tell him I would like to do something I get "we'll see", or "I'll have to see what my schedule is" HAH this is a man who has no schedule, he has no set hours for anything- he does what he wants, when he wants and if he wants, he owns a business (yeah, I know WE should own a business- especially since I am such a huge part of the paperwork portion) but to hear him talk when "he bought this business, when he blah blah blah blah

I think he is allergic to the word "we"

Let me give an example of something he did years ago, before his A, before I came out of the fog that he was treating me worse than poop on a hot tin roof

A relative got married fifteen hundred miles away, I purchased plane tickets to fly down for the wedding, one for each of my kids, and two for he and I.

WELL, he couldn't promise me he'd go, wasn't sure what would "come UP" Well when it came time to go he didn't go with us cause he couldn't leave the business. I lost four hundred dollars (my money mind you- oh I forgot to mention we have separate checking accounts- I pay all the bills etc.)because he was unsure about leaving the business because of potential "problems"

BUT if he has an event out of state which involves motorcycles, naked women and lots of partying he can make mountains move to get there- amazing huh?

Oh, and incidently, he was doing most of this by himself cause I had to stay with kids, my work and his business.

Hmmmmmm,

things have changed a "little" he doesn't take off like he was but as you can tell this marriage has lots of other problems.

Ah well, such is life

Oh, and yes, there is nothing so degrading or anything that makes you feel as if you aren't important than having someone actually tell you they don't want to "hear" about your work

I do the same thing now, he remarks How was your day? I say fine. That's all, I don't say anything else, he doesn't care, he's trying to act like he does, but I promise when I start to tell him something I have lost his attention bingo.

Enough venting, I know there are others in this world who are worse off than myself and I shall be thankful for the good I do have.

Take care and thanks