Hello friends,

Legally my son's marriage ended the end of February. It was an ugly, painful two years filled with many ups and downs with hope followed by disappointment. I appreciate getting to know so many good people here. I firmly believe that MB is a God-send. I check in from time to time and think about you often. I notice with sadness that the pain continues as new members log in.

I would like new members to know that there is hope for recovery if both spouses fully and enthusically commit to rebuild the marriage. Don't give up without an all-up try.

Unfortunately, I have learned that when a WS has deep personal issues not directly related to the marriage, there is only so much the BS can do. Sadly, this is the case with my ex-daughter-in-law.

My son has 40%-60% custody, not too bad. Unfortunately, he also has a $850/month child support payment and will be in financial crisis for years. He will also have to contend with an ex-wife who has her own creative interpretation of reality and who is a master of blame and manipulation. His 4-year old son complains that he is tired of going back and forth between the two homes. Because his mother left his daddy when he was just two years old, a split family is all he has ever known. It saddens me to realize that there will be a hole in his emotional development as a result.

On the up side, my son is getting closer to paying off the tax debts that she left him with as well as the lawyer's fees. He is now free to socialize. He can devote more time to taking care of himself and his son. He has a new house to make into a home. Happily, just hours after signing the papers, he took off for Rio for a week at Carnival, met some nice people, and had a really good time. He's working at adjusting to his new reality and dealing with his bitterness toward his ex-wife.

Thanks to you all for your support and concern. May you continue to find the strength and the faith to stay the course trying to do the right thing.

Love,
Estes

Estes49,

Thanks for your update and word of encouragement to a newbie. Also please drop by whenever you have time, there are too many newbies and not enough MBer to give support.

You son will realize that it is better to live happy alone than miserable together. Unfortunaltly, they share a kids that will be there for a long long time. Get a "Joint Custody with a jerk" by Julie A Ross & Judy Corcoran for your S. It helps me a lot.

Also if you think that ex tries to manipulate and do hurt thing to your GS, I would look into court order co-parenting if it is available in your state. Basically, a court appointed mediator for the purpose of co-parenting. The judge agreed to order us since they see that my exW is hostile. So my exW is "behavin" otherwise this conselor could talk to FCS (Family Court Service) and protect my 2 D. My exW is insane and still in the fog, doing harm stuff to my 2 D (as I typed this reply, she is hosting B-Day party for OM's mom while my 2 D have a skating competition. She went to Costco and bought everything for the party ($$$) ... she doesn't work and collect SS&CS from me.). I know one of this day my 2 D will ask this conselor to change the custody arrangement and I don't even have to fight it. Your GS is too small to understand but he will see through her very soon. My youngest D (10 years old) was talking to the conselor on her own request. The conversation is private but I got the hint that she was venting to the conselor, asking about her right.

-rh-

Dearest Estes,

I'm terribly sorry for your son's outcome. I had hoped your DIL would eventually snap out of her playing-around and settle down to be a good mommie and wife. Some folks take longer than others to mature enough to take their commitments seriously, to stay true to their convictions and promises ..... and your DIL may never get there.

So in the long run your son, and perhaps your precious grandson, may be better off. Because how I view this is your DIL would have done this again sooner or later, where your grandson may have been an even more impressionable age and profoundly effected his stability, character and growing up.

This way your son can find someone who cherishes him and honors marriage. He's young enough to start over and have more children, a family for his son, with a good woman, if that's what he wishes.

About his bitterness, it takes time. I know, I'm still dealing with it. My hopes for your son is that because he didn't spend a decade or > in this marriage, as I had, his anger and bitterness will fade faster. He's too sweet to remain callous, afterall Estes ... he is YOUR son. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Much love ... I think of you often, and pray for your family.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ April 13, 2003, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Hi redhat,

It's good to hear from you. "Joint Custody with a Jerk" sounds like it might be a book that would help my son. Although they are divorced, she will continue to be a BIG presence. She does love our GS, but her reality is whatever she rationalizes it to be, and he's bound to be influenced by that.

I hope the counselor is able to help your 10 year-old. Let's pray that as both your girls grow up they learn to see their mother as the kind of woman NOT to be. She should be ashamed of herself.

Thank you for your presence here.

Take care, Estes

Hi Jo,

Thanks for your kind reply. My son is pretty resilient, too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . I think he will become less cynical in time. (His situation does not come close to the insult and repeated pain that yours does.) He does want to find someone to love.

But Jo, how does he dare risk a new marriage if the first one has left him in financial ruin? He doesn't have the financial means to survive having another woman take his money should a second marriage fail. After he pays for spousal and child support and his basic bills, there is nothing left to build a new family. He will have to look very carefully at the woman's character this time as well as the mental stability of her entire family.

Do you get to see Ryan much? I hope you do.

I'm doing well. I took a wonderful three-week trip to New Zealand in March. It is a spectacular country and one of the world's best kept secrets. I'm so lucky to have had the opportunity.

It's so good to hear from you,
Estes

Estes,

We all have to push our butts out there and risk our hearts again. If we don't, we gain nothing. We may remain protected or guarded, but what about sharing our lives? What about caring for someone, and them for us? Can't live like a hermit for the rest of our lives. At some point we need to trust again. And I mean that more in terms of trusting ourselves and our instincts. It is hard, and pretty scarey.

You never know, Estes. God may have another plan for your son, and it could include him meeting someone who has the financial means to not only carry herself, but fill the financial void of the CS your son has to pay.

I do have to say that $850 /mos CS seems extraordinarily high for one child. I certainly hope your x-DIL will be spending it on your GS.

Jo

Estes,

I was just thinking of you this week and that I hadn't seen you posting on any threads for awhile. I do miss your insight and input, I always cherished the words you had to share.

I am glad that your S and GS finally have an ending to their ugly mess. I hope that you get some visitation with your grandson, you are such a stable person in his life.

Thanks for popping in and updating!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

P.S. Steve (ex) and OW now have physical custody of Ryan. Ryan's BIO mom is on crack again. So, as you can imagine, I don't get to see him at all. But it's for the best, and I know that one day he and I will see one another again.

Thank you for remembering and asking me, Hon.

Jo

Hi Estes! Thanks for posting the update. I'm so glad that your son decided to still go on his planned trip to Rio and that he had such a great time. It is just what he needed! I also have enjoyed your input and wisdom since I first started posting back in Dec. 2001. You are an awesome caring person and I thank you for being there for me when I most needed it.
BH