Okay,
I'm so confused if I'm doing the right things or not. Can anyone help?

I have asked my H not to come around home, only to pick up the kids, and return them. Not come in the house, not do chores etc.
I'am trying to ignore him, and avoid contact with him.
This has been going on for 2 weeks now. It is going on week 4 that he has moved out. I see no signs of him turning around. I have asked him to do soul searching the last time we did speak, and to turn his life around.

At what point do you finally admit to yourself that your spouse is not coming back to you?

When I have asked him why???? He says, he's doing what he feels he has to do.
He says, he has fallen in Love with her (OW) and he feels he has to leave. He has said he doesn't know that they will ever be together, but he feels he has to leave because of his feelings.

Any opinions would be great.

Thanks,
K

HI KEB... I don't have the answer to your question, but I can tell you that you are so not alone. I am currently going through a very similar situation w/ WS.

We are seperated and he keeps coming over and hanging around. He won't get serious and talk about issues and that is extremely frustrating to me. It just seems like he could care less about doing the hard work necessary to restore this marriage. I also try to avoid him b/cause really at this moment, I have nothing left to say.

The only difference w/ our situation is he is in complete denial about having OW. I am at a point where I don't know if I will have any feelings left at all. I am void of any emotion. I hate that.

I feel that I deserve a man who will love and honor me. And why would I want to stay w/ a man who acts as if he despises me.

Hang in there. I know there is great advice available here. And as always continue to work on you. I hope you have a good support system. For me, just knowing I have friends who genuinely care make a difference about how I am doing now.

My SIL said to me last night that the "light bulb" hasn't gone off in his head yet. Today our whole family went to church together including WS. My SIL really feels (and so do I) that the Lord is going to have to reach him in order for him to change. In the mean time, I'll just be waiting it out. Either way this turns out I won't be taking any excess baggage w/ me. Either way I will have a better life ahead for me.

Thanks ljkm-

This is so hard, the not knowing. Since I have been refusing to talk to him, I have so many unanswered questions. Although, if I did ask him, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get straight answers anyway.

I agree with you SIL, in that God is the one that has to reach these souls. In my H case, he is not opening the door to allow this to happen. He has stopped going to church, and refuses to hear anything to do with religion.

We had a very, very tramatic experience last year. We almost lost our daughter. She almost died in my H's arms from an illness.
Today, she is doing well, although our lives have changed through her illness.
We have been given a second chance with her, you would think that would be enough for my H to give up adultery.
I think Satan must have an incredible hold, that is my only explanation for his behavior.

Thanks for your post!
K

It's really difficult to understand how a man who knows the Lord can run straight into the pits of hell just to fullfill his own desires. But unfortunately that's what's happened here. And even though your daughter is doing well now, that won't necessarily change things. Of course he loves her. And when his fog lifts, he will see the importance of caring for both you and her the way God designed him to care for you.

My WS has turned completely away from the church also. It was only b/cause our family was in town that he went w/ us. And even with him going, I could still see the wall of resistance. He was quick to debate the Pastor's message. But, for me, that's ok. I used to be overly concerned w/ his spiritual growth and would try to make sure he would know if there was a speaker in town or a men's Bible study...etc. Friends told me to stay silent b/cause there isn't a thing I could say to make him want to grow in the Lord. And besides, HE is going to have to be the one ready for a godly life.

There is one thing though I have been doing that has had AMAZING results in my life. I have decided to get dead serious about my relationship w/ the Lord. I have started praying daily. I pray for specific things too. Example.. if your H is a drinker, pray that the alcohol will start tasting bad to him. (In my case, I am praying that the Lord will take the fun away from my H desiring to travel so frequently to Cuba and to see that his fullfillment can't come from Cuba, but only from the Lord and His design for my H and his role as a H and father.) Let me tell you...NO ONE CAN COMPETE WITH THE LORD! Satan will not win out in the end. Even if your H choses not to share his life w/ you. His pleasures are only temporary.

I don't know what you have read yet as far as books are concerned. Everyone here will tell you to read, read, read. This is so helpful b/cause it will keep you focused. There is one book in particular that I have found is priceless to me. And I like it especially b/cause it is along the same lines as Dr. Harley's "Surviving an Affair" and Dr. Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough". The name is what to do when your spouse says "I don"t Love You Anymore" by David Clarke. The title is awful as far as I'm concerned (my WS never said those words) but it definitely is a guide that I have been able to use. He also has a book called "Men are Clams, Women are Crowbars". It's sorta like the Mars/Venus thing but w/ a clear Christian perspective. Also I ordered (as recommended from MB) "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. ALL OF THE ABOVE BOOKS ARE WORTH GETTING AND COMPLIMENT EACH OTHER. I ordered from Christianbooks.com for the last book but you can get them all from there. The last one is out of print and you can get it on Amazon.com, but at Christianbook.com I got a 15 dollar book (new) for 5 dollars. Also, I ordered the workbook that went along w/ it. That I had to wait for and was 15. It was worth it.

Get busy. You have many gifts and talents to offer. You just might need to rediscover them. And when your WS sees the new "light" that shines w/in you, he'll be curious. I believe that is when the Lord will be penetrate his thick skull! LOL... Let me know how you're doing.

4 weeks since he left is a very short time KEB. I'll save you some money, and tell you that it is vital that you move into plan A immediately. Having no contact (or minimal contact) is NOT the way to "win" your H back.

Because you are on MarriageBuilders, I am left to assume that you want your H back home, and the OW out of your lives.

Read on here. ljkm is right... the number one prioriy for you at present, is to read. Following up closely behind, is the implementation of your plan A.

What is plan A? It is becoming the BEST you ever! And proving to your H, yourself, and the world that it is a permanent change... all for the better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Look over the EN questionnaires, and fill them out. Will your H do them too? At this point, I imagine not, which means YOU can answer them for him. Be as honest with yourself as you can. Think about previous conversations with your H, and "read between the lines" of what he was saying to you. What does he "need" to be happy? Think about what OW is able to offer him, and encorporate that into your life too, so that YOU may offer it to him as well.

If you want your H home, and working on your M with you, then you must create a comfortable and SAFE ENVIRONMENT for him to return home to.

Right now, he's sees you being cold, and unwilling to even talk to him. How is THAT action welcoming? How can doing that encourage him home? It can't. That's why plan A is where you need to be right now. After 6 months (or whatever time frame works best in your situation) of a great plan A, THEN you can move to a plan B, and the limited contact. But you'll cross that bridge if and when you come to it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take care,
Karen

Thanks for your inputs!
Any help is much needed and appreciated.

I have bought all the books, but the last two.
I have heard of Torn Assunder a few times, but have not yet gotten that one.

I do very much want my H to come back, and make our lives better together than they ever were.

He has told me, more than once, if the OW was not involved, our Marriage would be the best. I have worked on a few of the things that were LB's, and conquered them! But, he says he loves her, and he must go. It's so confusing to me.

I was going on the lastest book I got, the I Don't Love You Anymore for the zero verbal contact. It does not feel right, I hate it! And, him not walking in this house. We have been together 18 years, and it is not what I want.

I appreciate the advice on praying for specific things. I have not done that, I think that is valuable.

Thanks again,
K

KEB, I am also using the I Don't Love You Anymore book. I agree w/ you about the no verbal contact. But I've tried everything else and at the very minimum I am using this time for me to evaluate. I would rather not talk to WS at all vs. angry confrontations. Besides, you don't have anything to lose at this point.

One thing has happened and I'm so greatful about this... I have started going to Dr. Clarke for marital therapy. I couldn't believe that he is from my area! I had to wait to get in to see him but it's worth the wait for me. I have only gone to one session and am going again on Friday. It's hard for me to detatch myself all together from WS. But one of the things he says in his book is that he follows the Matthew 18 principle. It's Biblical, and it's the right way to handle things. Read over that section in his book. I've done all the steps according to that and WS is still non responsive. Bottom line is that after all is said and done I will know I've done everything I could to save my marriage. And if he doesn't come back, well that's his problem!