I have been having some serious thoughts about not wanting to do this anymore and just getting a D. I have real doubts that my wife will ever be able to change enough to make our R a healthy one. I mentioned this in a previous post after talking with Steve Harley and at that time thought I should go through this process to give her a chance so I wouldn't have any regrets.

I am having second thoughts about this decision. I don't think my wife has it in her to do this the right way. Even if she decided to give it a try she would eventually tire of it and go back to her old habits. Do I want to deal with all this again sometime down the road? I'm thirty-eight years old and know I have a good life ahead of me if I get this done now. My wife has so many personal issues she has to deal with besides our relationship. I can't give my kids the attention they deserve if I stay in this because of all the time and energy it would take to get my wife on the right track.

I don't know if I have waited too long to go into plan B and this has taken its toll on the love I had for my wife or if I am coming to this realization now that I am thinking more clearly myself. If I go through this with her and it doesn't work I will have wasted that time that I could have been using to make sure my kids come out of this in the best shape possible. I also honestly wonder if the kids wouldn't be better off without her being such a big part of their life. If I can get primary physical custody I could shield them better from some of her more destructive behavior and hope in time she will be willing to get the help she needs to be a better influence in their lives. I'm not sure what would be better for them at this point.

<small>[ April 15, 2003, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: starman ]</small>

You haven't waited too long.

Ask yourself these questions. Have you given her every opportunity to correct her mistakes and come back to you? If you have, and she has refused for a very long time, you will not regret your actions down the road. Has she ever completely given up the OM before coming back to you? If not, she is a cake-eater and will try to play the two of you off of each other so she can get the best possible deal.

Your kids are important. If she is destructive, your children will learn destructive behavior from her. I would try to shield them from a destructive person as best as you can.

Hang in there...no matter what decision you make, it is not the wrong decision.

Maybe you waited too long, or maybe it's a bad night. One thing I can assure you is that you just NEVER KNOW unless you try. My hubby certainly didn't expect my head to pop out of my butt either...nor did anyone else including me...but it did happen and we DO have a wonderfully healthy relationship now. I don't know all the aspects of your situation, but no matter how hopeless it seems...things can change.

I guess I'd say go do something that helps you to relax and feel more at ease no matter what comes your way...try to distance yourself from the emotional side of the situation...and continue in your original plan. Only you know if you can do that, however. Take care.

Maybe I am getting too far ahead of myself. My wife has always been a self-centered person, even before the A. She told me a couple of weeks ago that she wishes she wouldn't have had so many children because it's just so hard. She resents them at times and I know that they feel this from her. The question I have is, is this because she has felt neglected by me for so long or is this just how she is?

She has been a barfly for years and this hasn't changed even though the OM doesn't like her doing it either. She seems to be jumping through hoops to please him right now but not when it comes to that. I have watched her slowly make more and more destructive decisions in her life as she gets older. She seems to be following in her father's footsteps. He started the same kind of behaviors at my wife's age and is now alone, hooked on prescription meds, unemployed and about as sad a human being as you want to see. Our friend that keeps in touch with both of us told me that for the first time since she's known my wife she went looking for some ecstasy from someone at the bar because she thought it would be fun to try it. The more I hear the more scared I become.

Hi Starman sorry your going through all that. I just want to offer my opinion. Making decisions based on what is right or wrong for your family is not easy at all. Its sounds to me that wife has not changed her habbits or is trying to mend her family and if that is the case then I would start protecting your kids NOW. Don't let your children live like that make a commitment to your children and stay with it. It's tough at first going through divorce but happiness does return and in your heart you'll know that you did this not only for yourself but for your children also.
God bless you and stay strong

Carl

Starman,

When there is alcohol or drugs involved with the relationship, even Harley won't undertake to try and resolve the marriage issues. They cannot be until and unless the other issues are addressed.

I am thinking your thinking may be on track. I hate to see you divorce, but I would hate worse to see you and your kids have some "bar fly" ruining your kids and your life.

What does Steve H have to say? He knows far about these things and clearly knows your situation better than we do.

Go with your gut Starman. That is all I can offer. Hope4 changed her mind at the last second, but she made it very clear to her H that she had. Until you see such evidence my thinking is your track may be clear.

God Bless,

JL

I don't really know if you could say my wife has an alcohol problem or not. She goes to the bar on average twice a week and almost always gets very drunk.I don't know if it's the alcohol anymore than the place that she goes. It's a dance club and it is really like she is addicted to the PLACE as much as anything if that's possible. Even her friends ask her to do something else on occasion and she always ends up there by the end of the night. It's a little bit weird really. It is a meat market and not the kind of place conducive to a good M. Can you only get drunk a couple of times a week and be an alcoholic? I don't know but technically if the going out and drinking is disruptive to your family you would at least have to say you have a drinking PROBLEM right?

Starman,

Getting very drunk two nights a week, and not being able to do anything else but go this bar/dance club is an alcoholic. She just hasn't progressed to the point of complete incapcitation. She needs help, if you are going to rebuild this marriage.

God Bless,

JL

I forgot to mention that Steve is aware of this situation with my wife. He told me that she has developed a bad, independent lifestyle that along with her compulsive personality is going to continue to get her into trouble unless she is willing to change it. So far, although she is very depressed about her whole situation she has done NOTHING to make any changes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starman:
... I can't give my kids the attention they deserve if I stay in this because of all the time and energy it would take to get my wife on the right track. ...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Getting your "wife on the right track" isn't your responsibility and is an impossible -- but amazingly loving and noble -- effort. It's something she must do for herself when she wants it. She may never want it and that's hard to watch happen, to be sure. I think the welfare of your children and yourself should be the things that get the weight your attention. Plan B may enable you to do so.

starman:

I think whippit is right. No need to DV right now. plan B will do what DV would do, at this stage at least. It might be the thing to wake her up.

plan B would also be appropriate so long as you heed whippit's other comment, that fixing HER problems is entirely HER responsibility, if she's got the gumption to take it on. It's not your problem. Not your responsibility. By taking this "load off", you'll be in a much better position to be of REAL help to her when she realizes she needs it AND wants it.

Take care,
-Qfwfq

Starman, there is another reason why you need to go thru the whole enchilada of plan A/plan B and that is that IF your marriage does end, you will no longer have ANY love for her left that could threaten a committed relationship in the future. And coupled that with your children's desire to have mommy and daddy back together, would practically put you in the same situation you find yourself at this moment, but with the roles reversed.

Someone here said it very wisely (some time ago), that in order to move on, you have to 'earn' your divorce first.

Beleive me, it would have been an excruciating experience if I had still had any love left for my ex-WW while at the same time being with my fiancee. But thankfully that is not the case because the love I had for my ex-WW died a long time ago.

I know that part of my problem is that I am WAY ready for plan B. I gave my wife another month because she begged me for it and I've got a little under three weeks left. The time can't go fast enough! I want to stay in plan A mode until then but it is getting extremely difficult. She has turned down my offers to do things together the last few weeks because it upset the OM. Today she said she was going to make some time for us to be together this week and I have been trying to think up a good way to get out of it ever since.

I felt so much better doing the plan A thing for the last month. I am back to my old self emotionally for the most part and it felt like I could do this for at least six months. After this last stuff she pulled I have been nothing but angry and want her to just go away. I know I can go the rest of the month without losing my temper and saying something I shouldn't, but is it okay to back off and not be as attentive as I have been? If I can get by with not initiating anymore affection (hugging and kissing) I think I can make it.

I had my session with Steve today. I told him I thought my wife was leaning toward leaving completely for the OM, and I was afraid she was going to bring it up before the end of the month. We talked about how I should respond and I am basically to tell her that we can save our M but that we haven't followed a plan to make that happen and it's very disappointing that she has chosen to put her efforts into this other relationship instead of ours.

Then he suggested within the next day or two after our conversation to get the separation agreement filed and try to hammer it out with her. He warned me that if she was unwilling to sign the separation agreement because we were unable to reach a compromise that I should be ready to file for a D. He also strongly suggested that I file an Alienation of Affection suit against the OM. That was the first I had heard of something like that. It gives you the chance to sue the OP and hold them accountable for there part in the destruction of your family. He considers it a criminal offense and is trying to get a statute on the books in his home state to make that possible. I hadn't thought of it like that before but it makes sense that there should be something to make people like this think twice about what they are doing.

The main reason I gave my wife the extra month she asked for was because she said she wanted to talk to a counselor and read SAA before she made any decisions. Well she has yet to do either so at the beginning of next week I am going to ask her once again if she would like to talk with a counselor and if she makes up another excuse as to why she can't then I can consider our deal broken. At that point I can make the decision for her and tell her to leave the house completely. So I expect next week to be an eventful one!

starman:

I guess I'm surprised! SH recommended a plan that might include filing for DV soon?

Also, the AOA suit. I was always led to believe that this is a long shot at best.

-Qfwfq

<small>[ April 15, 2003, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: Qfwfq ]</small>

Actually what he said was that if my wife and I couldn't work out a separation agreement that she could agree to she wouldn't have to sign it. Then my only options would be to drop it completely or file for a D to get things settled.