I read your post on Starman.
You said it took you a long time to realize, a whole year?
Is there anything in particular that made you come around? Just curious.
I know that the WS has to be the one to come around, but if there is something I'm missing, I would love to know.

Thanks,
K

KEB1205-

Sorry to but in here, but I thought I could answer your question.

For me, I was in a difficult situation and was trying my hardest to make good choices. I had just finished reading a book by Nicholas Sparks called "A Bend in the Road". Some of the content in that book really touched the place in me that I was closing off from. I started to "see" exactly what it is I was doing to my life, and I realized exactly what it was that I wanted. Once I saw that part of me, I had to keep poking. I kept digging further and although I was uncomfortable at what I was unconvering, I couldn't stop looking inside. It was as if the damn had leaks in it and finally the momentum of the rushing water tore the walls down.

The following morning, I was sitting in a hotel room at the Mirage hotel in Las Vegas. There was a mirrored wall next to the bed and I recall sitting on the edge of that bed facing the mirror. I looked at the person sitting on that bed and I realized that I didn't even recognize that person. I was so lost. I knew in that moment that I was done. I wanted to go home and face the consequences. I wanted to heal and fix what was broken....

Later on I realized that most people come home losers from Las Vegas. I actually came home a winner because I found my self respect. More importantly, I found myself...

Not butting in at all, I appreciate your post.

Can I ask, how long did this process take you to find yourself??

I don't think my H is at that point of even considering looking in to himself.
He thinks he has found true love, even at the cost of splitting up two families in the process.

Your comments are appreciated.

Thanks,
K

Honestly, It took me 33 years....

The relationship issues were ongoing and the problems really escalated about 3 years ago. It took me 1 year before I just stopped fighting and gave up. I moved out and turned an EA into a PA. The EA/PA thing was on and off for a while. During that time, I faced my inner demons and discovered myself. After about 8 or 9 months of living alone, I was growing "tired" of the off and on again thing. By then my personal growth was bringing me beyond the immaturity that I was living. By 10 months I was in Vegas - wondering what the heck I was doing there...I didn't want to continue jumping from one person to the next. I knew it was time to heal.

The thing I try to tell people in pain is that their loved ones are running from themselves. It REALLY isn't about the other person - unfortunately that isn't comforting to you becaue the OP is something you can fight. It's about inner pain and fears and the willingness for a person to face it. There is NOTHING that you can do to make them face it, you can only stand by and love them - despite their awful and disrespectful behavior...the more of a freind you can be, the safer they will feel when they decide to stop running. It will be YOU that they want to turn to, not the OP....

I hope that this helped and didn't hurt.

OOOh, Kily...now you're freaking me out. I'm thinking maybe I have an alternate personality I didn't know about...except your a year older than me, so I'm not sure how a split personality could age an extra year??

I ditto what Kily said. I actually wrote a poem about how I felt when I'd look in the mirror and couldn't find myself anywhere:

Mirror Mirror

I look in the mirror and what do I see?
The face of someone who used to be me.

I’m leaning in closer, bent over the sink,
I almost can see me, I’m in there I think.

I’ll squint my eyes tight, and look really deep,
Maybe the me inside is only asleep.

My head’s throbbing now and still no me in sight,
I guess I’ll turn in and dream about me tonight.

What woke me up? I guess I was searching for myself long enough and finally took my hands out from in front of my eyes.

I took a lot of time off from family and friends...just spent some time alone. Some people don't WANT to find themselves though. They just want things to go their way or things to feel comfortable and good.

I'd say the reality of the divorce brought me to some decisions too. If not for the discomfort of that, and the realization of how much I was going to lose forever...I probly would have gone on by myself for a long long time.

Really there isn't anything that YOU can do to help him find himself. It's a personal journey that some people make and some people run from. Just don't enable him or push him and he'll have to decide what to do from there. Wish I could be more help!

Kily:

"The thing I try to tell people in pain is that their loved ones are running from themselves. It REALLY isn't about the other person - unfortunately that isn't comforting to you becaue the OP is something you can fight. It's about inner pain and fears and the willingness for a person to face it. There is NOTHING that you can do to make them face it, you can only stand by and love them - despite their awful and disrespectful behavior...the more of a freind you can be, the safer they will feel when they decide to stop running. It will be YOU that they want to turn to, not the OP....

I hope that this helped and didn't hurt."

Wow. I won't speak for any other BS, but this really does help. Every day now, I ask myself if I have the patience. But everyday the answer is, "what else would you do?" And that isn't saying I'm pitiful and can't let go. The opposite. It's saying that I can recognize what's left of the beautiful, wonderful woman I M'd 27 years ago, and that I finally feel like I'm dealing well enough with my OWN issues that I can stop brow-beating HER over what's happened to us.

yep, the OP isn't the problem. The problem is the problem. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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