Hi All-

Again I need to check in with my "buds" for some reality.

You all know the circumstances so here's the latest:

I am doing EVERYTHING I can to avoid X. When I am around him, I feel pain, anger, sadness, and longing. These feelings are very slight when I am away from him - kind of like out of sight out of mind. For my own sanity, I have completely let go, although I regret not being able to give DS the family unit he deserves.

The problem:

X projects to the world that he is a happy, centered, responsible, caring person. I feel extremely threatened by this because I believe that this is a mask that he is wearing.

I have seen the "real" him. He is a raging volcano that is about to erupt. He has the capability of being extremely harsh and very controlling towards me. To the rest if the world he is a saint.

I find this behavior very confusing and at times and I am bothered by it. When his "mask" is on, I feel like I'm crazy. I feel like I'm imagining all of that undercurrent in him. I feel like there is something WRONG with me for not trusting that this NICE guy is REAL.

Now, he is contacting me at work via email again. He's trying to start simple dialogue like asking me about school and things like that. Obviously, this is STRESSING me out because I don't know what he wants. I've deliberately backed away so that he can have what he wanted...why does he keep putting his toe in the pool?

Why do I feel like I'm being manipulated when all he seems to want is for us to be friends? Why do I feel like this is all a fake gesture?

What's wrong with me?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now, he is contacting me at work via email again. He's trying to start simple dialogue like asking me about school and things like that. Obviously, this is STRESSING me out because I don't know what he wants. I've deliberately backed away so that he can have what he wanted...why does he keep putting his toe in the pool?

Why do I feel like I'm being manipulated when all he seems to want is for us to be friends? Why do I feel like this is all a fake gesture?

What's wrong with me?

--------------------
kily
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is nothing wrong with you but the same can't be said about him.

Why not send him a reply explaining the same reasons why you do not want to have any contact with him?

Kily

When I read your post, most of it could have been me writing about H.

H is the same - Mr very reasonable, sensitive, caring wonderful bloke to all and sundry, but with me there is just the constant anger and explosions. Actually, even his 2 Ds see it, and tell me about him being Mr Angry.

Listen, I'll tell you what my brother said to me. When I first met with H the other week and had that awful meeting, the next day I travelled with my bro to see my mum. He told me that him and his ex used to meet up and be absolutely fine and resonable. It would all start well and then it would disintegrate into slanging matches and ripping each other to shreds.

My bro virtually begged me not to be in touch with H whilst we are sorting things out. He said remove the emotions, sort out the things that you have to, and once it is all over, maybe then you will be able to be friends. BTW he is now very good friends with his ex, and they too have a son in common.

Kily, stay back. Explain to your X that you need to sort out your isses and for now, it is easier for you not to be in touch. I too totally understand this "out of sight out of mind" position.

I hope this helps.

Lisa

P.S. I asked you a couple of questions over on my thread.

TMCM-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is nothing wrong with you but the same can't be said about him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Coming from you this sure is a compliment. Thanks. I guess at this point, I'm wondering if I should write a REAL PLAN-B letter. I never really set a boundary. Would just replying to this email with those words be enough?

Lisa-
I am staying back - he seems to be the one trying to draw me out. I just don't want to READ into his actions anymore. Once I start doing this I get my hopes up that he still cares. Once I think this, I slip into submissive PLAN-A mode and that has proven to be unhealthy for me.....X takes advantage of my desires and manipulates the situation to suit his wants.

Mortarman nailed it on one of my threads a while back. I know that this isn't over for him and that knowledge is what is holding me back.

Additionally,
Still seeking, JL, TMCM, and Mortarman got me to the point where I realized that I didn't want to live that kind of life. I needed to make the choice to walk away and not accept the behaviors that I have been receiving. As long as I hold on to that dream of a "R" that really wasn't what I wanted it to be, then I will NEVER heal. Out of Sight out of mind seems to be the easiest way to heal...

Kily,

Now you understand why it is said that someone cannot be friends with someone they have had an affair with. I am not implying anything sinister, it is just that the emotional connections are often very complex and very painful to one of the two people.

You are in a push/pull situation with exBF. He has a new girl friend but he really cannot let you go. He also doesn't want you near because of his feelings.

I agree with others, it may be time for a No Contact letter. You can be civil when dealing with your son, but otherwise it may be best for both of you to move on.

It is a very difficult thing, and it is also seen following a divorce, actually in your situation this is sort of like a divorce. The breaking of deep emotional attachments.

I wish I had good advice to offer you. I think the others have given you good advice.

God Bless,

JL

JL-

Who would have ever thought, when I first logged on to this site, that my SAGA would end with a WP writing a NC letter to the BP?!!!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

It should be a VERY sad situation....but somehow I think it is fitting that the reverse of everything applies to KILY. I have NEVER really been a conventional kind of person. Have I ever really looked at the world in the way that most people do?

The interesting thing is I am ready to do this. Stranger yet, I have also been addressing a paralell unresolved issue with my dad and am ready for closure there too. I read somewhere (I think it was Melody Beattie in one of her SOUL building books) that when healing a childhood wound, often an event in the ADULT life will mirror the issues that surround the wound.

Here is the culmination of this whole mess:

Recently I've been having nightmares about my father's incarceration. I've mentioned it before, but for those out of the loop I'll remind them that he was given 15 years for the rape of my neice. I was partly responsible for pushing them to testify and stand up to him. Too many years of him S abusing people had gone on and had been overlooked. I couldn't stand to see him get away with that any longer.

Anyway - I NEVER dream of him or really think about him. Last week, I had a dream that he was being raped by his fellow inmates. There was nothing he could do - he was helpless. Most people that he told felt that he was getting what he deserved. I felt sad and powerless because I couldn't help him.

How does this tie in with X you ask?

Both people were people that I tried to gain love and approval from. My father taught me that I had to BEG for love, X had me jumping through hoops to gain his love. Now, X is running from his feelings - (Did he love me? Does he love me? Does he love himself? Can he trust me? Will he ever truct himself to ever allow himself to be vulnerable to someone?) and I can't protect him from his self destruction. My father ran from me from the time I was a child. He is locked up and to this day will not face his feelings - (Did he love me? Does he love me? Does he love himself? Can he trust me? Will he ever truct himself to ever allow himself to be vulnerable to someone?)

So - what's the wound and how is it healed?

The wound is believing that I am not worthy of being loved by someone for who I am. Not being accepted for having a mind and personality that are quite remarkable. Not being recognized as a valuable person.

How has it healed -
I realized that I have NO CONTROL over what anyone thinks or feels towads me. Self acceptance. I realized that I can give myself all of those things that I was looking for from X and my DAD. I have forgiven them for not being able to look inward to face their demons. I can LOVE them and walk away, knowing that I did the right thing in the end.

I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THE LETTERS YOU WROTE -- TO A "T"! I still love the bloke, but...

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, but here's what I'm doing now.

My Plan A was brief (3 weeks) before he moved out and, after a few days, in with OW.

Any overtures from him (email, typically), I reply warmly -- with more warmth than I have received from him. Then I let it drop. He does, too -- I think he's scared of me, on some level, or doesn't want to "disappoint" me (too late, already has!), or doesn't know what he's doing. I try with increasing discipline not to mind-read or psychoanalyze him. I try not to read anything into any overtures. I don't connect any dots. Too much wishful thinking, on my part, to be accurate.

One of the best pieces of advice from this site: you'll go nuts if you try to read his temperature day by day, hour by hour. Look at general trends: he is living with her, not with me. He has not moved a matchstick back into the house since he left. So I can't at this point dream of a miraculous turnaround.

But I still want to keep my options open, for MY sake. I don't want to move to a real Plan B, because it closes off my options and makes it too easy for him to forget all about me, which he tends to do, anyway (and did with previous divorces). I am making no commitments -- don't know if I could have him back, even if he wanted to return. He would have to make some important turnarounds, and I don't see any evidence of that yet.

But I am trying very hard to check out of the mindreading business, and the psychoanalysis business. I'm trying to move on. I'm expecting we won't be together -- but I'm open to the possibility we might.

Takes some discipline, all this!

Your X sounds familiar. Check out this link and see if this sounds like you:

http://www.nontalk.curvedspaces.com/whatisanon.html

<small>[ April 15, 2003, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: I Did it Again ]</small>

IDIA-

I was able to get to the main page, but not to that particular link....

Kily,

Everyone here is right on! This is the beginning of the end of your ordeal. You are now strong enough to do what you have to do...Plan B. Believe me, when I went to Plan B in December, I had pretty much given up (but was leaving my options open). As YOU know, it was very liberating to let go...to leave this relationship to my wife.

If your relationshiop is to work out, this is what has to happen. He shows all the signs of someone still on the fence. It is time for him to chose.

It will take some time because at first, he will be angry for denying him of your presence, friendship, etc. My wife still today is angry because I refused to accept that we would be friends if we didnt work out. She didnt understand why she couldnt have her cake and eat it too!

Your ex sounds the same. But there are no guarantees. It really took the OM screwing up to push her off the fence. But what made her in the position to be pushed my way was me removing myself from her life. Your ex might have the same thing happen. Maybe not. Either way, your life stops being a rollercoaster, that just goes around in circles. It is now a train, leaving the station. Will the ex be onboard? Hard to say.

But no more round and round for Kily. Now you can take what you have learned and move forward.

Even though I am now off the rollercoaster, and we are reconciling, we still have our ups and downs (see my post later tonight). But we are moving forward. And like a train, it takes time to get it all moving. And the tracks are not always straight and level. So even if he does come back, it will involve work (dont I know!).

Hang in there. As with me, your life has been on hold for quite awhile. By sending the NC letter and going to Plan B, you free yourself to begin your life again. And you free your ex from being trapped on the fence. He will have to make a decision. It might take a month, like with my wife. It might take longer. But he WILL have to make a decision. Are you ready for either outcome? I think you are. Is he? Probably not.

Things are about to become a lot more uncomfortable for your ex...and a lot more comfortable for Kily.

This really is the beginning of the end of your nightmare. Go with it.

In His arms.

Sorry.

Try this: http://www.nontalk.curvedspaces.com/whatisanon.html

<small>[ April 15, 2003, 02:57 PM: Message edited by: I Did it Again ]</small>

Kily

I didn't know the story of your father. I can't begin to imagine how awful this situation would be.

I think you have to do your own style Plan B, as I did. I think alot of things other say here is much more articulate and insightful than I could be. However, I don't agree with MM that he may well come back. For me, Plan B has been 3 months, and I still know there will be no reconciliation. Sometimes that's just the way it is - how sad eh? I think it is best to think they're not coming back and keep trying to move on. MM was lucky to have his chance again.

Thinking of you.

Lisa

Lisa-

Mortarman WAS very lucky, BUT he really had to dig down deep and trust his faith...not many people can do that.

For me, I REALLY have everything to gain and nothing to lose. I am at the point where I CAN walk away GRACEFULLY. Mortarman is right. I am standing in the shoes that he was in last month. I have been walking away - X is finally starting to see it.

I am moving at the end of this month. Once this has been completed, my letter will be sent. I need until then because my STUFF has to be moved out of the house. Until then, it's still NC.

By the way, just to mention, I believe that X has had the blood tests for the Marriage paperwork. I do not know this for certain, but DS mentioned going to the Blood doctor with Dad. It only ,akes sense based onthe course of events. He is trying so hard to be nice...usually something awful happens right after....

Thanks everyone.It's REALLY helped me.

Hi Kily,
You know, when I read your posts, I can still feel that you have a great deal of love left for X. It seems to me that the pain, and sadness are for what might have been, and the longing for what you hope may yet come to be.

It's pretty easy to understand why you only have these feelings when you are around him or communicating with him. I hate to reduce it this far, but If I put a candy bar on my desk, and open the wrapper, I have a hard time leaving it alone. If there is not one near, I don't think of it, I just do my work. It never enters my mind that I want or need one. I think you probably understand that part, hence your question about NC.

The problem: X projects to the world that he is a happy, centered, responsible, caring person. I feel extremely threatened by this because I believe that this is a mask that he is wearing. I have seen the "real" him. He is a raging volcano that is about to erupt.
He has no reason to be angry with the world, we haven't hurt his feelings. It is obvious he still loves you. As JL says, these feelings are complicated. You know from reading here that even in situations of abuse, there are still feelings of love that hang on for a very long time. In your case, there is abuse and also I would consider that X was emotionally abused by the A. Kind of a love/hate thing, isn't it. Both of you want to be close but it hurts to bad. You recoil from the feelings and retreat, he gets angry and lashes out.

I know you still have a hope that someday, somehow it will change. I think JL worries most about protecting you from the pain and hurt. I believe most or all of us believe you could quickly find someone that would make you very happy without all the baggage. that X carries with him. However, you need to follow your heart.

He has the capability of being extremely harsh and very controlling towards me. To the rest if the world he is a saint. I find this behavior very confusing and at times and I am bothered by it.
Again, he isn't angry at JL, TMCM, Mortarman or I. He doesn't even know us. If he passed me on the street, he might even strike up an conversation with me and like me. Perhaps he and I could be friends. He has faults, and so do I but all my friends have some faults and I still like them and remain friends with them. I have one friend that tried to take advantage of me in business. It cost me lots of money and time to fix what he did. I still see him sometimes, but I am not happy to see him, and I don't really speak with him other than "normal" greetings. Now, I had no strong ties to this man, as X did with you. So, X has these bad feelings for you that I have for this man, but also X loves you. Same goes for you now, he has hurt you but you still love him. Problem is that he continues to hurt you, and apparently seeing you continues to hurt him.

When his "mask" is on, I feel like I'm crazy. I feel like I'm imagining all of that undercurrent in him. I feel like there is something WRONG with me for not trusting that this NICE guy is REAL
That nice guy is real for much of the time. He has good in him or you wouldn't want him back. I tend to think ( I have no real reason for this, ) that someday he will realize his anger is gone and he will be happy all the time. I believe that mask being off is just his feelings of hurt and betrayal coming back with continued contact. Do you think he plans to be angry when he meets you or talks to you? I mean, do you suppose he does it on purpose or is it just a reaction ?

Now, it IS a reaction that he can do something about, and he chooses not to do something. That's the problem I see, and that's the part you could talk about in your letter to him.

Now, he is contacting me at work via email again. He's trying to start simple dialogue like asking me about school and things like that. Obviously, this is STRESSING me out because I don't know what he wants. I've deliberately backed away so that he can have what he wanted...why does he keep putting his toe in the pool?
Again, what JL said - these things are complicated Even if he still loves you, the problems won't go away this week or even next week. He asks you to back away, and then he misses you and wants to get closer. Let me ask you this, do you think he really knows what he wants? Do you think he understands why he has still has feelings for you, and why he has all this anger inside? Is it over what you did, or is it over his inability to understand and is it because of his frustrations?

Why do I feel like I'm being manipulated when all he seems to want is for us to be friends? Why do I feel like this is all a fake gesture?
You ARE being manipulated. You don't know what he wants, you don't know what to do about the mixed signals you get. He doesn't understand any of this, but remember he has made little effort to understand, all he does is blame you. He's just keeping you there under his thumb and tormenting you for reasons he doesn't understand. I don't think he knows he is doing that.

What's wrong with me? You are still recovering from a very bad illness. Did you expect to be cured by now? I believe it is good that you have these feelings, it means you are well on the road to wellness. It's normal to hurt when someone you love is mean to you. Understand, I don't want you to hurt, but it's part of the cure.

Kily, don't get off track. Remember that you can' t fix him. If he ever decides he wants to be fixed, you could help if he was willing to accept help from you, but you can't fix him. What you need to know is not what he wants, but what you want. If it hurts to bad and you don't want to hurt then plan B. If you want contact just in case, then keep contact if you can stand the pain.

Don't spend a lot of time wondering "does he think this, or does he want that?" Figure out what you want, and keep doing that. I don't think it would hurt to write him about your feelings even if you want contact. You could explain your fear and doubt and see if he would comment. Just don't get your hopes up.

If you ever realize you are finished with him, write the letter and send it.

I hope I didn't throw you back to the sharks just when you thought you were safe. Again, I am sorry for your pain, but it is a measure of what kind of person you are becoming that you still care what happens to him. I have a lot of faith in you.

SS

PS, I wrote this before about the last 10 posts, I see now you have commented on being wounded. It's true, some wounds take quite a while to heal.

<small>[ April 15, 2003, 03:34 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

SS-

You certainly seem to REALLY have me pegged. You also gave me much to think about. I am working on a response. I will post later today....

Thanks.

IDA-

BPD sounds more like ME prior to trying to recover here....especially the emptiness, that hit home BIG TIME. Sure he exhibits a LOT of the traits as well...he's never expressed that lost emoty feeling though. I was often accused of THINKING too deeply about everything....He never bothered to scrape the surface...

<small>[ April 16, 2003, 09:08 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

SS-
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, when I read your posts, I can still feel that you have a great deal of love left for X. It seems to me that the pain, and sadness are for what might have been, and the longing for what you hope may yet come to be.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really can’t deny this. I am proud to say that I do, because for a LONG time I didn’t know HOW I felt. Working through everything and really asking hard questions has helped me understand that there was something deeper than just “dependency”. Maybe I just needed to grow up a little to see it. I also recognize that I will ALWAYS feel Love for him because I choose to. It IS the harder path to take, but I think in the end it will be more rewarding for my DS and me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has no reason to be angry with the world, we haven't hurt his feelings. It is obvious he still loves you. As JL says, these feelings are complicated. You know from reading here that even in situations of abuse, there are still feelings of love that hang on for a very long time. In your case, there is abuse and also I would consider that X was emotionally abused by the A. Kind of a love/hate thing, isn't it. Both of you want to be close but it hurts to bad. You recoil from the feelings and retreat, he gets angry and lashes out.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You’ve certainly nailed the dilemma right on the head. We ABUSED each other. We didn’t do it intentionally; I realize that. I also know that we treated each other the only way we knew at THAT time. I DO hold on to that hope because I see that if I could change my behavior – and that in it is a MIRACLE – than ANYONE can change. They really just need to want to see it…

Now here’s the twist…doesn’t there come a time when we love someone so much that we just have to let go to stop the pain? When you recognize that they cycle you are in is destructive and that walking away might be painful, but it is better than to continually abuse each other day in and day out? When you reach a place where you know in your heart that you love that person, but you also know in our heart that you can NEVER make that person accept you and love you for the person you are. When you see the point where you choose to end the cycle fully knowing that you will lose EVERYTHING that you wanted.

I have always seen these dynamics between us. We both agreed that I was holding the family together and I became tired of fighting for something that wasn’t working. I knew that in order to end this, I had to do something SO awful it would make him hate me. By now I was pretty angry and resentful – but to be honest I didn’t know that this was what I was feeling. I thought that I just didn’t love him anymore. Deep inside me I was conflicted about these thoughts because I knew that I loved him more than I loved me. This confusion was the FOG. I didn’t want to go there so I didn’t dwell on the thoughts too long - too much pain to deal with.

Running Away to Maui was my way of forcing the end of that vicious cycle.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you still have a hope that someday, somehow it will change. I think JL worries most about protecting you from the pain and hurt. I believe most or all of us believe you could quickly find someone that would make you very happy without all the baggage. that X carries with him. However, you need to follow your heart </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can’t express to any of you how much this means to me. The fact that JL worries about my pain affects me because I have SUCH tremendous respect for him and his views. It really is a gift because he can see something in me that I fought for. I am grateful for hurt and pain though…it helps me to address issues that hold me back. I avoided pain and it led me to self-destruction. Now, I welcome it because it reminds me that I am FEELING things. There was a time when I couldn’t feel at all. Turning to someone new is the easy way out. Facing your pain, dealing with fears, learning to trust, letting go, that is what commitment is all about. That is how you grow and learn what LOVE truly is…

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So, X has these bad feelings for you that I have for this man, but also X loves you. Same goes for you now, he has hurt you but you still love him. Problem is that he continues to hurt you, and apparently seeing you continues to hurt him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That nice guy is real for much of the time. He has good in him or you wouldn't want him back. I tend to think ( I have no real reason for this, ) that someday he will realize his anger is gone and he will be happy all the time. I believe that mask being off is just his feelings of hurt and betrayal coming back with continued contact. Do you think he plans to be angry when he meets you or talks to you? I mean, do you suppose he does it on purpose or is it just a reaction ?

Now, it IS a reaction that he can do something about, and he chooses not to do something. That's the problem I see, and that's the part you could talk about in your letter to him.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is exactly the source of MY pain. I died inside too. I had to reclaim myself. I’ve done everything I can to try and make it right. I can’t. The best thing I can do is to respect his wants and let him have his life – without my interference. This is hard when we have so many ties together. That is why I want the settlement. Unfortunately he feels that due the fact that I left, I have no rights to reclaim the things that I left behind – Like my share in the HOUSE!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Again, what JL said - these things are complicated Even if he still loves you, the problems won't go away this week or even next week. He asks you to back away, and then he misses you and wants to get closer. Let me ask you this, do you think he really knows what he wants? Do you think he understands why he has still has feelings for you, and why he has all this anger inside? Is it over what you did, or is it over his inability to understand and is it because of his frustrations? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That’s the hard thing to accept – he told me several times with contempt in his eyes that he does not love me. What I think is that he is trying to fill this concept of what he thinks his life SHOULD be – married, kids, big house, provider….etc. Does he know what he wants – NO. He’s too busy filling this image that he hasn’t had time to sit down and REALLY figure that out. (Is this a disrespectful judgement?) He tells me that he WANTS to marry AM. She is the best thing that EVER happened to him. He denies having feelings for me. Wants to be my friend only. I think that he believes it’s over what I did – he has NEVER been one to dig deeper. In fact he always picked on me because I looked in too deeply…accused me of trying to READ into things too much.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You ARE being manipulated. You don't know what he wants, you don't know what to do about the mixed signals you get. He doesn't understand any of this, but remember he has made little effort to understand, all he does is blame you. He's just keeping you there under his thumb and tormenting you for reasons he doesn't understand. I don't think he knows he is doing that.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you remember when I said that there comes a time when you love someone SO much that you have to walk away because the pain now will be less than the devastation that will happen later? This is the cycle that needs to be broken. I can’t do this, it’s his issue. By walking away, I feel that I am giving him the gift of freedom from this cycle….is there another way?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are still recovering from a very bad illness. Did you expect to be cured by now? I believe it is good that you have these feelings, it means you are well on the road to wellness. It's normal to hurt when someone you love is mean to you. Understand, I don't want you to hurt, but it's part of the cure.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don’t I know it. I hate what I’ve been through. I guess I thought that I would be, but then again will I EVER be cured? As I said above – I welcome the pain. I understand it’s healing power.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kily, don't get off track. Remember that you can' t fix him. If he ever decides he wants to be fixed, you could help if he was willing to accept help from you, but you can't fix him. What you need to know is not what he wants, but what you want. If it hurts to bad and you don't want to hurt then plan B. If you want contact just in case, then keep contact if you can stand the pain.

Don't spend a lot of time wondering "does he think this, or does he want that?" Figure out what you want, and keep doing that. I don't think it would hurt to write him about your feelings even if you want contact. You could explain your fear and doubt and see if he would comment. Just don't get your hopes up.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want peace. I don’t want to keep fighting this love/hate battle. I want to be KILY every minute of every day. I don’t want to feel the conflicting emotions any more. I don’t want to hurt him either. I want to help him heal if he will ever let me.
I will write A letter that honestly explains my feelings. Maybe this is a decision that WE can finally make together.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I hope I didn't throw you back to the sharks just when you thought you were safe. Again, I am sorry for your pain, but it is a measure of what kind of person you are becoming that you still care what happens to him. I have a lot of faith in you.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I’m glad you provoked me. It made me really dig deep. Clarity is a good thing. Yes, I’m swimming again – but I’m wearing SHARK repellant! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks SS

<small>[ April 16, 2003, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>