Hello there,

Gosh, marrital crisis is difficult! FWS and I have been spending more time together. FWS rented a room from AIL. Well her son came home after 2 years so FWS had to find another place. He considered rented an apartment, asked for my input. I told him it's his decision. Well FWS is home but very confused, depressed and sometimes has thoughts of suicide. He said what keeps him from killing himself is me and our son. He has an appoint scheduled with a psychologist in a couple of weeks. He said that it is not soon enough.

I believe that his behavior is text book. He vascilates between being committed to working on the marriage to not being sure that we will end up as we were before (a bad marriage). At times he talks about us then when I do he clams up. I am learning not to speak in the us or ours.

He has held unforgiveness in his heart toward me and others. I told him that he must forgive so that he can release himself from this bondage. He said that he realizes that there are deeper issues that need to be addressed in his life.

We have had a few restless nights, where he will wake up and be depressed, asking me "are you sure that we are doing the right thing". He calls himself wanting to date me. I am open to doing more recreational things that he likes and that I am beginning to really enjoy. Is this Plan A. Aren't FWS's unstable shortly after ending an affair. He has acknowledge that the A was wrong...Even if we were not married it would have been wrong to date her. He said he felt used. He was slumming.

Feed back is welcomed and perhaps, some of you can share your experiences.

Thanks for reading and May God bless us all as we seek to have restored, successful marriages.

WR

Not knowing much about your sitch. I would say it sounds like Withdrawl to me.

I once read that it doesn't matter why they come home, just that they are home. Use this as an opportunity to PLAN-A him as much as possible. Be there and listen to him. No LB'ing no matter how bad you might want to..

WR,

What you wrote is very familar. H went through the same for about 2 years. This got worse when he and the OW contacted each other.

What I had to do was set my boundaries. Even when the WS mentioned suicide, I could not break down. Instead I tried another (very unconventional approach so think carefully before doing this one), he said suicide, I said if that makes you feel better. Will it resolve your issues? Remember I was once there myself and I just couldn't make it the answer to my problems but I understood where despair can take one.

The point is that I did not hide the issues, I tackled them straight on. Reformatted/refocused it a bit and gave it back to the WS to handle. Of course there were days where it went backward but then there were days where it showed progress. A fine line to walk and it was stressful. On the other hand it eventually took the stress from me because there are just so many times the work suicide will cause a major panic. After a while you begin to wonder is this just a threat? I even told the WS that.... you threatening again? Note: His family has a case of this however, his brother did commit suicide so it is not a far fetched idea but I was able to discern between a cry for help and the real thing.

So I eventually was able to deflate what he threw at me. Even the I came back because it was convienent excuse. With that one I told him his convenience was not what I wanted to live with. My convenience was what I wanted to live with and that definitely was NOT going to be easy for him.

See instead of LBing, I BL'd him. What is BL? For me, I would say it meant 'busting lies'. I busted his excuses and dug for the real issues. They were deep, very deep. But they have been slowly coming out from him and by him.

take care,
L.

Kily, Orchid,

Thanks for your response. I thought this might be a good time to plan A, set boundaries and not be taken in by all of the instability FWS is exhibiting. I guess it calls for being loving but firm. They are so sensitive. He has an IC soon so we'll see how that goes. Look I made the IC appointment and was asked why I was calling and not FWS. My response was that FWS asked me to. Enabling, yes, should I have done it. I don't know.

Hey, is it true that recovery can take as long as the A? How do you keep sane during this time? I know prayer?

Kily, I tried to put my signature information on this post. Can you tell me how to make it show up everytime.

God Bless you all,

WR

Me-BW 40, FWH-41 (gambler(x), S-5
M-10 yrs, together (off/on) 26 yrs
#1 d-day 03-01, false recovery 9/01, #2 d-day-7/9/02, A-over 1/03
OW-35, single, gambler, 1-S 18 , 1-D 11
WH-living with AIL, no commitments yet