X,

I am writing to you today because I need to tell you what I feel in a way that is respectful and non-emotional. Please read this and know that I am writing it with the purest of intentions.

We have had some interesting times together. At times I find myself pondering over many of them. I think about the different stages of our relationship together. Remember Dottie? How it drove you crazy to figure out who was leaving those little notes on your time card…I just remember being so shy and uncertain about whether to approach you or not. I think that it’s ironic how that hasn’t changed much. How about the rock in Danbury? Or the tree in Shelton…we were so young and foolish. How did we lose that innocent and dangerous side to our lives?

I still think back to the first time I met your mother. One of your relatives had just come from Poland and they were making your mom’s wonderful pirogues in the kitchen. You were teaching your aunt how to speak English. I was so impressed with you! It was REALLY scary for me to stand there in her kitchen that day. Gosh we had so much fun making pirogues over the years…I wanted SO badly to be everything to you.

Do you remember the first Easter that I dropped into your parent’s house? You were wearing a white suit that you bought at Wild Bill’s. You looked so skinny in that suit! I remember your dad being a little tipsy because he had just a little too much of the Manischevitz (sp)! He kept squinting at me and asking who is it? Gosh I really miss him. I remember how afraid I was because it was the first time I met your family.

Then I think about spending time on Henry Street with P and D. I remember how scared I was of the dog. We planned on flying to Australia then to get married. Gosh we were so young.

I remember your driving me past Ellis Street for the first time. How horrified I was at the house that you wanted to buy. I couldn’t see what you saw in it, but the light in your face when you talked about the house that you would make it into was all I needed to know. I couldn’t believe how beautiful it was when you finished. I still smile at the memory of painting the exterior in my bikini! The neighbor’s must have been going bonkers.

I remember the time that we went to Stratford day and we snuck into St. James. No one else was there. You and I took vows in that church that day, remember? You told me that you would love me forever and that I was your wife, I told you that I would love you forever and that you were my husband. We loved each other so deeply.

I sit and think about the times I helped you mom clean all of her crystal. I really didn’t like having to go over there to work, but I wanted to make you happy. I remember the time your mom and I spent together and although the work was hard, we did enjoy spending the time together. I used to admire all of that glassware that she has. So many beautiful things she has. I’d give a million bucks to be able to do that now.

Then I think about when DS came along. We went through a lot then. I remember in the end how proud you were when you cut his umbilical cord. Do you remember yelling in the hall when I was in pain and there was no one there to help me? He came into our lives like a locomotive and he has stayed very much that way to this day. We were so blessed.
Do you remember buying our house? I never told you this, but I was terrified of that commitment. This was the REAL reason that I was so stubborn about giving up Ellis Street. I’m sorry that I never told you what I felt. I was so overwhelmed with the financial commitment that we were making and I was fearful that we would lose everything. I hated that you had to work two jobs to make it work. I used to love waiting up for you at night. How much I missed you I was never able to convey. I was always so thrilled when you finally walked in the door.

I know that I’m only talking about the good times here. Lord knows there were many bad times too. What I try to remember though, is that in the end, we worked through it the best we could and we remained devoted to each other.

I honestly admit that we did lose so much. I could never put into words how much. I know that I made some seriously bad choices, and I will always feel regret for them. I’ve tried to apologize, make amends, and basically let you know how wrong I was. There is no excuse for the way that I treated you then, and I pray that in time you can forgive me. I’m having a difficult enough time trying to forgive myself.

Now we have reached a new place in our relationship. It’s a place that I never wanted to get to. We have gone through the good times, bad times, and everything in between. On our way to this moment we have reached many highs, many lows, and we have accomplished some amazing and not-so amazing things together. Remember hosting our first Thanksgiving Dinner? We really made such a great team that day. I miss that more than anything.

Our relationship has been spattered with deception, lies, and we got to the point where neither of us felt safe to be around the other. My part in this was due to the fact that I was afraid that you would not accept me if you knew what I really felt and thought inside. I hid my weaknesses and insecurities, and did not communicate my needs. This was wrong and I see that now. I want to tell you now what I am feeling because you deserve to know.

I miss you all the time. I think about you more than I should. I hurt because you aren’t there. I’m sad because you no longer want my input in your life. When you deny me access to the house it scares me. I know that you have replaced me, and that hurts the most.

So, you’re wondering why I’m writing this.

Basically, because of those feelings that I’ve just expressed, I find it REALLY hard to be around you. You ask why I get angry, it is because I love you and I am hurting. It pains me greatly to see hatred on your face when you talk to me. I hate seeing the look on your face when you have to be around me. I know that I am responsible for that and it eats at me. I can’t change any of what I’ve done, only who I am. I am usually fine when you aren’t there but when I talk to you or see you, the pain just resurfaces. I don’t want to be your enemy so I avoid the contact as much as I can.

Please understand that I respect your choice to move on with your life. I am saddened that we did not have the opportunity for a second chance. I have really learned so much and we really could have had so much together.

What I envisioned is a life where we have a real partnership. I see a life where we both have committed to each other under the eyes of GOD. I see a life where we celebrate the joy of our son together. One where we share every moment we can appreciate all of the things that we almost lost. One where we rely on each other for advice and opinions and are able to trust that the other’s best interest is in mind while considering choices.

I have been a fool because I ran away from my pain. I am now choosing to walk away from this with my head held high.

Ultimately, I am letting you know that I can no longer have any contact with you outside of the court unless it has to do with DS. My desire to rebuild will always be there. If ever you change your mind and wish to explore the possibilities you can contact me. Otherwise please respect my wishes that I do not want your friendship.

Much love to you and GOD bless you..

<small>[ April 16, 2003, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily,

Forgive me if this a stupid question, but is this a Plan B letter?

If so, I think it's too wordy, and tries too hard to swing H's thoughts and feelings to "happier times". In my experience, no amount of reminders to WH of those times will help.

I am guessing but you have probably told him many times about how you treasure those happy times, and feel there is enough left of your love to maje the M work.

If it is a plan B letter, I would suggest serious editing down to the barest message: To preserve my love for you, we have to separate. No contact except with respect to our child. I would not put much more than the simplest message. The rest is ACTION!

Kily-

My wife and I are reading this and trying to remember your story.

I agree with Eleanor that if it is a Plan B letter it needs to be shorter. I had Jennifer help me write mine and she said that it should be short sweet and to the point. I have made mistakes, I have learned how to have a greater M than ever, I am doing this to preserve my love for you, I am willing to make it work once X conditions have been met, etc. I can send you a copy of the letter I sent out if you would like.

If it is not a Plan B letter and just a letter to say you love H and still care for H than it is OK. I wish I could give more help but I don't know what you are after with this letter.

Good Luck

I have to agree with the others, if this is a Plan B letter, I would keep it to one or two paragraphs just giving him the basic facts. I would keep it short and to the point in a firm, civil tone. No more than that is necessary, nor will its value be recognized by a detached spouse.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>nor will its value be recognized by a detached spouse.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sure my FWW would agree with that!!!!!

I'd say it's too long too.

Also...isn't it spelled "perogies"?

JB

Kily,

I have not written a plan b letter myself- and I have read the Harley books, etc.- but do not completely remember the layout of the Plan B letter.

I have written a similar type note to my wh - and I do think it reminded him of our lives together when we were happy and helped bring him back to reality a bit.

Some of my letters, he used to get a lot more... really made him feel guilt, and he even asked me not to write him letters like that b/c he felt so bad.... I did not ever do the deed of saying No contact with him. I have had limited contact b/c of my h's continual angry attitude at me.... therefore I have plan A'd most of the time, and the last few months with more and more distance.... but I do still see him.

My h went through 2 ow's Kily, we have been seperated 19 months. IMHO- Divorce might be a little soon if you still want your Marriage... perhaps you want a longer seperation. Now, not saying I enjoy my long seperation, but I do think eventual reconciliation will happen- when, I don't know still... but the last few weeks my wh has even said he might try living together, but has a few issues left.... ??? and so do I ... mainly drinking, and some other too..

Anyway - I think you mentioned , I could be wrong, that your wh drinks quite often as of late. That too could be a good reason for less contact with him... but not necessarily a D. A D is so final in my opinion... but I just can't stand going there.. and I want him to file if he wants to end the marriage, b/c I don't want to end the marriage, but just make it better.

ANyway, my wh is still blaming me.... it seems men find it even easier to do that, then women at times.. but maybe I just feel that way b/c I admit my faults to him, and he still seems in a fog his part in our problems.. but that is the denial of his drinking problems..

ANyway, I need to go for now... got to get off to work and my kids to school. It was touching to read your letter.

YOu might want to stress, that the seperation of contact is to protect your love.. and that it does actually.. the more I see wh being cruel to me, the harder it gets to remain as loving as I have been.

May you find your faith in God to be strong and have hope.

Hugs, Honey

Hi Kily

I think I tend to agree with the others that maybe it is a bit too long. I think this is the letter that you needed to write for you. Re-read it and then perhaps burn it - I know that sounds daft, but this is something I have done in the past. I write letters which I don't always intend to send, but I NEED to say some of those things for my own peace of mind. I think you NEED to say all of those things to him, but perhaps it is not best for him to read it.

My first Plan B letter was rubbish (not saying yours is, but I think it is a true struggle to find the right words), but when I re-wrote it, it came much more easily to me what I wanted to say to get my point across, rather than what I NEEDED to say for me.

Wishing you well from very sunny roasting hot London.

Lisa

<small>[ April 17, 2003, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

i think its a beautiful letter. while reading it it made me recall in all innocence all of the longings i had during our marriage and it made me sad because i was married to a man who had no intention of ever trying to fill them....he left me almost the day we got married (was physically there) and instead all I got was lies, betrayal, and abuse of the worst kind. physical abuse is almost better because at least you can prove it. my husband is like the dentist in that move three days of the condor. he has slowly been pulling teeth and the thing is he gets off on it. no i am sad for my kids that i gave them a father who would be this capable of being a sadistic abuser. your letter just made me sad for all i never had but its not too late because i am still capable of finding it. i hope mr. sunshine can live with the consequences of what he has done to us.

I agree with Lisa.

You are writing this mostly for you, and I think you need to say what is in your heart. I don't know if he needs to hear all that you need to say.

Since it is not intended as a pure plan B letter, you can make it long to get some closure if you want to.

I do have a few suggestions:

"I have really learned so much and I feel we really could have had so much together.

This part scares me:
"My desire to rebuild will always be there. "
I suspect that if he gets married to her, the natural course would be for you to gradually loose interrest in him and someday find someone else. I would probably change it to something like this:
" Right now I still have a strong desire to rebuild." and this - "If ever you change your mind and wish to explore the possibilities you can contact me."
To This:
"If you were to change your mind in the next little while and want a closer relationship you can contact me."

Otherwise please respect my wishes that I do not want just your friendship. It's too painful for me to be just a friend, and emotionally I just can't do it. So again, please don't contact me about anything not directly related to our son.

I never expect you to adopt what I say, it's just for ideas. You should always modify it to sound like you usually sound. That last little bit is a repeat, but they never seem to quite get it with one telling.

If I were you I would give it about a week and read it through again. That will be long enough for you to be objective about editing it, and you will do well - I think.

SS

<small>[ April 17, 2003, 09:51 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Thanks all for the input -

I appreciate the time you all took to read this. I'm not sure WHAT kind of letter it was, maybe one just to help me get to closure...

I think what I was trying to do was to simply let X know that I haven't forgotten the special times that we had. I had shut of from him and he reached the point where he thought that nothing mattered to me. I'm not looking to guilt him, just share the warm memeories that I hold.

Lisa - maybe you're right, this might be better off unsent. I guess I still have a hard time accepting that he is now the WP. The way I see it, he left because I ran away. Do I really have a right to interfere? We weren't legally married after all.

Jen _ that's what I get for using WORD's spell checker. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's actually pierogis.

You are all correct that this is NOT a PLAN-B letter. It shows too much emotion and suggests that I am not detaching.

I want to take SS's advice most of all and give it a week then look again. I agree with what you suggested. It does get across what I was trying to say better. I do want to say that for the record, I would NEVER interfere with him if he does choose to get married. I think that is one reason that I am trying to draw the boundary line now.

I expect that he will receive this letter, read it, and then laugh at me for being a lost cause...
that's okay though, because at least I tried to seek closure the RIGHT way this time...

More on this in a week or so.

Thanks again.

Kily -

I have never posted a reply to you before, but I have been following your story. I just wanted you to know that I think your letter is beautiful... maybe not as a typical "Plan B" letter, but then I don't think yours is a typical plan B either.

If you have never sent him a letter like this before - one replete with the good memories of your relationship - I am going to go against the tide and say that I think you should send it. It ellicited a very emotional response from me, and I can't see how it wouldn't from him...