Okay, this one's for the BSs out there.

Can you tell me any reasons why you would feel uncomfortable going out on a date with your FWS, who ended their A with d-day, 10 months ago?

My H is STILL uncomfortable with such an idea. I have some speculations as to why, but perhaps I should wait and see what some of you folks think.

To this point, my H has only willing to spend time with me, in private, behind closed doors, and generally not on the weekend.

Jen

<small>[ April 16, 2003, 10:14 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

Hey Jen. I don't know the answer to your question except that maybe it's just a difference in personalities. I am much more comfortable taking my WW out somewhere for a drink or dinner than I am in a close, private environment. I feel a lot more pressure that way. Of course I am trying to show my wife the fun side of myself. It's too easy for me to get serious in an intimate setting.

Okay assuming I know nothing of your situation I will try to voice my opinion.

1) IF a big if he feels the affair has gone somewhat public then out of pride he doesn't want to be seen on a date.

2) It also could be that he is not ready to re-commit. My marriage counselor bragged on me during our last visit saying how far I had come (Obviously she doesn't read my posts on Marriage Builders! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) compared to many men she has counseled where the marriages survived. She said she had many male patients refuse to even talk to a wayward wife for almost a year.

Now I am familiar with your situation so alot of that doesn't apply.

If I remember correctly he is now with another woman since finding out about the affair.

This is payback for the affair you had. First it signals he will be seen with the other woman but not you. Does two things--keeps his pride in tact (pride is a foolish thing) and secondly punishes you back....maybe even a third thing keeps the other woman from jumping ship if she thought you two would reconcile.

Just my 2 cents worth.

in a new york minute.

Well, s-d, you seem to have hit all of the possibilities in one reply. I have to correct you on one thing though. My H isn't exactly "involved" with another woman. Since my A, he has dropped any and all of his male friends, saying he can't trust men anymore. The only men he'll hang out socially with are his brothers, and some of their friends. Now my H's only friends are two female friends of his, that also happen to be his colleagues. One is a mutual friend (still), the other I consider to be my enemy.

She is my enemy because: a) she is who my H was sleeping next to while I was actually having intercourse with OM; b) she went along with a plan on my H's part to pretty much corner me into sharing a tent with OM while a group of us were camping (the B@#$! was sleeping in my bed in my camper, under the guise of being too sensitive to sleep in a tent) - this led to time #2 with me and OM; c) she let my H live with her for about 2 weeks shortly after d-day; d) she slept over in my H's bed and "spooned" with him the night he found out his father died.

My H claims his relationship with her is still just friendship.

The two female friends don't get along, and they aren't willing to go out to the same events with my H.

Upon reading your post s-d, I worry now that my H sees the B!@#$ as his possible back up if things with me don't work out, so that's why he's keeping the time he spends with me so secretive.

Jen

Why not have a date at your place as a starting point?

<small>[ April 17, 2003, 04:55 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Yes she maybe backup....but I suspect she is merely salt for your wounds in retaliation for the affair.

If your H is truly torn up about all of this THE LAST THING he should want is to get emotionally involved with another woman.

Of course he may want her around for the physical side.

Jen-

My WW STBX, is now inviting me over to Easter Breakfast, telling me "When I move back in" and "I want you" now. This is after 3 years of hell. I am normally a confident fun guy, but when I am with her, I feel like a piece of trash.

I am reluctant because after 3 years of hell (2 years of suspecting and one after D-day) all of which I was treated very poorly I am happy in a way that she is making this move yet so reluctant.

You see some people like you actually know you made a mistake and although I think my STBX WW thinks it was a mistake its kinda more of the affair wasn't...just getting invloved with him was. He eventually blew her off. So my take on all of this is its probably a false recovery...AGAIN! and she is lonely. I guess my feeling is I don't want to be a stand in or an interim boyfriend until Mr. Right comes along.

I used to feel priveleged when I just got thrown a bone, now I am emotionally storong enough to not have to expect anything less. I always question her motives sometimes it just seems like she wants the peace of mind that I am still here, I am in a way...but I am not in others. I love her but don't particularly want to play second fiddle. So to answer your question...I don't think I will accept an invitation because the lies and betrayal run deep and the treatment of me was so poor prior to D-Day that hell maybe I'd would have been the one to leave...eventually.
I think pride does have alot to do with it, and many people say "What does pride have to do with it" I say to them...alot when you have been treated like garbage for so long, its actually nice having it somewhat restored by just simply avoiding the sourse of your pain.

This is just in my humble opinion,

Ps- Jen should I risk another false recovery and start from ground zero again?
Rly

Hmmm...you've really got me thinking here folks.

TMCM, I guess I could invite him over for dinner and maybe a movie some night. My reluctance to do so stems from the fact that I invited him once before to come over to watch a movie, and he came over but refused to watch the movie and wanted to go straight to the bedroom, then left. I wish he'd be willing to go OUT on a date, be SEEN with me in public. Why do I want that so badly? Mainly so our time together can be about everything BUT sex. Also, so I know that he's not ashamed of me, in part, and lastly so I know that he doesn't consider me 2nd best behind his female friends.

Rlyhurtin, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think pride does have alot to do with it, and many people say "What does pride have to do with it" I say to them...alot when you have been treated like garbage for so long, its actually nice having it somewhat restored by just simply avoiding the sourse of your pain. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know what's funny? This aspect of pride has been the same for me. For many different stretches of time in the last year I too have enjoyed the peace and tranquility of avoiding my H, not spending any time with him. I know that sounds odd from someone who seems so desperate to be with him. But he was VERY hurtful on many occasions in the past year.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ps- Jen should I risk another false recovery and start from ground zero again?
Rly </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think you have to look at it as starting another false recovery. You don't have to commit to working towards recovery if you go for one lunch with her. Look at my H, he has NEVER committed himself to recovery, and he spends time with me off and on all the time. I say go for one lunch, talk like my H if you want and say "this means nothing", and just see if she's demonstrating any growth or changes, and go from there. If you enjoy the lunch, see her again. If it's unpleasant, you don't see her again. Maybe I'm oversimplifying it, but that's just how I see it.

(OMG, I just counselled someone to behave like my H, what have I done? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Jen

<small>[ April 17, 2003, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

Jen,

I've seen a bit of your story and I know that you had an A with your H's friend and ever since you have been working on things but he's been a jerk to you...

I really don't know how to say this, and I may be reaching a conclusion that others may have already brought up to you, but my intuitive side just thinks that something doesn't add up...

Have you considered the possibility that your H had an affair with the woman you consider your enemy prior to your own affair? Seems like when you were gone, she was sleeping next to him. They also put you in a tent so they could sleep in the trailer together??? It just doesn't add up.

Not that it changes your situation any, but I just think that this guy is a complete and total jerk. I would have given my right arm to have a truly repentent wayword spouse after finding out.

When I was married, and I say was (divorce is final), I would never have entertained the thought of sleeping next to a woman other than my wife. I had a hard time even holding in depth conversations with women because I wanted to guard against an affair. Some women have a way of persuing what they want, no matter the cost.

If he's interested in you, he'll see you in public. What does he expect, a secret marriage? If he won't go out with you in public, dump him and move on. I feel like you may be trying to hold it together because you'll feel guilty or wonder if you'll be able to find someone again. You have repented to him...if he can't accept this and move on, that's his problem.

Brian today was nice with the boys. Wxcept our 13 year old was sick. He was terriable to 1st five hears,

I love you and only you brian Martin. Matter of fact a guy at the Wooklands tried picking ne yup??? wAY DO MAi HAVE YOUR SSUST BMAY HAVE THM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Ok something weird is going on, I never wrote that, that is not me in the post above, who is it??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If he's interested in you, he'll see you in public. What does he expect, a secret marriage? If he won't go out with you in public, dump him and move on. I feel like you may be trying to hold it together because you'll feel guilty or wonder if you'll be able to find someone again. You have repented to him...if he can't accept this and move on, that's his problem. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Indeed, there is no such thing as a secret marriage. That is a phrase I will just have to use!

I do sometimes feel like I'm trying to hold it together because of just guilt or fearing not being able to find someone new.

Mostly I want to make it work because we had it so good for so many years, I want that back. But "that" is in the past, so who knows what the future will bring.

Jen