i think i am coming to terms w/the fact that i must divorce. its been 14 weeks that he has been gone, more than quarter of a year. he has not attemped at all (i check caller id everyday) to contact us/kids. he has not sent/given any $$ to help me w/our house/kids. i am not on state assitance for food and childcare help. its over.

however, there is one thing that i cannot get over, that is upseting me tremendously--HER. the whore as i call her. the 22 yr old twit! she was my "friend." she did things w/me and the girls all the time. she knew we were a family. i know, i know he could have said no! but he didnt.

my little daughter is always telling me she loves me, and dont ever leave her, and she misses her dad. it really really angers me that because of her my daughter is going thru all this. (please please dont tell me its his fault---i hear that all the time. this is just how i feel.)

so, basically what i am saying is i am getting used to the idea that i will be a single divorced mom. but i cannot get used to the idea of her with him, her going on the trips the inlaws would take us on once a year, the whore is now the queen to his mom because "she puts him on a pedestal" and i am the wicked witch to her son. I wished i could cuss on here because its not not not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> not not not right! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Kuljey,
Could you answer some of the questions I asked in my last post? I understand HE hasn't called...

have you tried setting up regular visitation? Is that one of the things you argue about?

What happens if you call and say, "lets set a regular night for you to see the kids. What night is best for you?"

What about your in-laws, are they near-by? If so, do they want to see the kids? I can understand that you don't want the kids to go to the house with the OW...is the in-laws house for visitation an option? What would happen if you asked them?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lor (Lor):
<strong>Kuljey,

have you tried setting up regular visitation? Is that one of the things you argue about?

No i am not going to call him! His dad said for ME to call him to set things up. I did that in the beginning. He even would come over here while i locked myself in my room and he visited w/the little one. the oldest would either sit in my room w/me or lock herself in her room. he would argue w/her alot and she didnt like it. AND if he wanted to see them, he could call. The longer it is, the worse it looks to a judge.

What happens if you call and say, "lets set a regular night for you to see the kids. What night is best for you?"

Again, i am not going to subject the oldest to doing something she choses not to. And, i wont let the little one go alone w/him. I dont want to be kissing his butt and have his whore have more ammunition against me. the last time we talked, more than 1 min, was a argument and his whore was in the background cheering him on and complaining. I felt so stupid.

What about your in-laws, are they near-by?

His dad and stepmom live close by. He tells me i should call his son and ask im to come visit his children. His dad says its very hard on him--regarding the children. OH PLEASE!! If it were so hard he would ask/call to see them.

If so, do they want to see the kids?

They really dont ask to see the kids. I usually call the dad or stepmom and ask if we can stop by. the youngest really likes her grandpa and the oldest likes to play games w/him. and i get to just sit and veg a bit, watch tv, while they are entertained by him.

I can understand that you don't want the kids to go to the house with the OW...is the in-laws house for visitation an option? What would happen if you asked them?

if my husband were to ask if i could drop them there and he visit w/them there i would. but, the oldest has made it clear to me she choses not to see him. at first i felt really bad about this, but now she has really conviced me that she really feels this way and she prefers to not be forced.

[/b]</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Kuljey,
Thanks for answering my questions. If your kid(s) don't want to see their dad, I agree you shouldn't force them.

I see you are adamant about not calling, even though you've said you intended to do Plan A. I know it doesn't seem fair that you would have to put forth that effort, but Plan A is effective when the WS is demonizing you, making you out to be the bad one.

If they are presented that you aren't bad, angry, ugly-behaving, the WS sometimes gets a glimmer through the re-writing of history fog.

I dont want to be kissing his butt and have his whore have more ammunition against me. the last time we talked, more than 1 min, was a argument and his whore was in the background cheering him on and complaining. I felt so stupid

You being nice isn't very good ammunition. You yelling and calling her a whore is ammunition. I agree you shouldn't give her ammunition. You aren't the stupid one here. Like I said, if at all possible present a positive contrast to her.

But, if you have no contact, you can't do that.

I know you think 14, 15 weeks is a long time. And, in going through it is a long time. My first separation was 3 1/2 months, and we went on to have 6 more for a total of 14 months out of 21.

It's fine for you to keep in mind what looks good to a judge...but if you don't want a divorce...divorce isn't your goal, remaining at the point where reconciliation is possible for YOU if your WS also gets to that point.

Ideally you should Plan A for 6 months. If that seems to overwhelming, try it for a month and remember if it makes you feel stupid, that isn't the truth. You are a wife who wants to reconcile with her husband and are strong enough and smart enough to know that your behavior matters. No matter what happens with your marriage, you'll feel better if you know you did your best... not whore-calling and yelling.

i just cant bring myself to call him. i cant bring myself to ask him for help! so, yesterday i received a cashiers check for 100.00. made out to his father and myself. and it says for elena and elizabeth.

the envelope had a homemade return address label on it. it had his name and her address. that pushed me OVER THE EDGE! I had major anxiety last night, which went over into today. He (or even the whore) is making cutsie labels. Ooooohhh. Then the next kicker was the cashiers check was made out at her bank. OR maybe they bank together, or she got him a acct at this credit union, or maybe she did it for him there.

his dad said this 100.00 was all the money he had! Oh please. we have not received a dime from him for over a month and a 1/2.

i get the feeling that she controls the money. i also think they bought a computer. seems like they are happy campers!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

~~~bump~~~

Hi Kujey,

I'm sorry things are not better. I'm glad he sent you some money. I know it is not nearly enough.

Keep track of how much you receive, does the money order come with some sort of stub that you can put away? If not, make a copy before cashing it.

Why was his dad's name put on it, that is weird. He does not providing for the girls, you are.

She can control the money all she wants, how long do you really think that will last? Once the CS is awarded, she or he will have to send you the amount awarded, not what they think you need. That will be another sore spot in their "happy" scenario. From what I hear from coworkers, CS is a sore spot with most of them. I work with a women, her live in, has a child from a previous relationship. He pays his support like he is supposed to, it is a sore spot with her, however, she accepts it because this child was born before he ever met her.

Right now, they are enjoying living the "good" life. When that changes, it will create some problems.

How is the CS issue going? Paperwork all filed? I don't know how they do it where you live, I know where I live, even if they do not submit proof of income, they will pull the last Taxes filed and assess the CS based upon that information.

i am still shocked my husband hasnt called at all. not to make plans to see the girls, not to talk to them, or even see if they are ok. his 11 yr old had a soccer tournament yesterday and i worked. she went w/another girl and her family and spent the day w/them. they havent been having a good season and yesterday they won both games which put them in the final tournament today. she is so proud and happy, and the jerk doesnt even know. our 5 yr old had to get glasses, he doesnt even know. the 5 yr old had strep throat for the first time and was quite sick, he doesnt even know.

the affair is so much to handle, so devastating, the betrayal, but how can he just desert his children for her. i am thinking maybe she is pregnant. i know she is not on birth control so anything in that area is possible. i think this because i dont think he would just avoid all of us if he werent feeling really guilty about something! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi Kuj,

I know this is upsetting. It is hard to understand how he could forget about his children. Someday, it will come back to bite him in the you know what. When it does, it will be too late to get it back. The time is gone.

When my H left us, our second child was 6 months old. His mom was watching the kids while I went somewhere (I forget.) Anyway, I come home, and there he is. S#2, took his first steps while I was out. H, looks at me all hurt and upset, when did this happen, how long has he been walking and you did not tell me. (hey, I missed it, he was there for it). Anyway, I told him the truth, that this was his first steps, and I was the one to miss it. I told him, you created the situation, accept that you will not be there for many of their first's as long as you choose to stay away as a family. This was your choice, so don't make it sound like this is my fault.

When he wakes up, he will realize what he has missed out on. The sad part in, the oldest knows too. She may never forgive him for not being there for such an important event in her life. He made that decision and it is one he will have to live with and deal with.

<small>[ May 04, 2003, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sue with hope:
<strong>

I know this is upsetting. It is hard to understand how he could forget about his children. Someday, it will come back to bite him in the you know what. When it does, it will be too late to get it back. The time is gone.

When he wakes up, he will realize what he has missed out on. The sad part in, the oldest knows too. She may never forgive him for not being there for such an important event in her life. He made that decision and it is one he will have to live with and deal with.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Heck yea this is very upsetting!!! Today is 15 weeks since he has left our home and this saturday will be 8 weeks that he hasnt visted w/the kids. i received a cashiers check this saturday from him, made from the whores bank acct. i called this bank and asked them whose checking acct was sending me these cashiers checks. they called and verified it was drawn on the whores checking acct.

i am on a new AD and i am not sure how its working yet. i am still so very angry, and it really does not look like he will ever return. i even have a gut feeling he is avoiding his children because whore is pregnant. Uck. I mean there must be a huge reason he is not even calling his children. i can see him not wanting to talk w/me. there is no bigger ucky thing than the whore being pregnant.

i have an appt this thur w/a lawyer. the first lawyer i met w/wants 2500 retainer no matter what, no bending. this 2nd one wants 1500. the ones that were willing to do pro bono dont seem to interested in going the extra mile. i may have to end up calling them. but i am checking other avenues just incase. i might have to charge a retainer, which i hate to do.

my little daughter had a dream about her dad last nite. she said it was about me and him. i love her so much, it pains me.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sue with hope:
<strong>

I know this is upsetting. It is hard to understand how he could forget about his children. Someday, it will come back to bite him in the you know what. When it does, it will be too late to get it back. The time is gone.

When he wakes up, he will realize what he has missed out on. The sad part in, the oldest knows too. She may never forgive him for not being there for such an important event in her life. He made that decision and it is one he will have to live with and deal with.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Heck yea this is very upsetting!!! Today is 15 weeks since he has left our home and this saturday will be 8 weeks that he hasnt visted w/the kids. i received a cashiers check this saturday from him, made from the whores bank acct. i called this bank and asked them whose checking acct was sending me these cashiers checks. they called and verified it was drawn on the whores checking acct.

i am on a new AD and i am not sure how its working yet. i am still so very angry, and it really does not look like he will ever return. i even have a gut feeling he is avoiding his children because whore is pregnant. Uck. I mean there must be a huge reason he is not even calling his children. i can see him not wanting to talk w/me. there is no bigger ucky thing than the whore being pregnant.

i have an appt this thur w/a lawyer. the first lawyer i met w/wants 2500 retainer no matter what, no bending. this 2nd one wants 1500. the ones that were willing to do pro bono dont seem to interested in going the extra mile. i may have to end up calling them. but i am checking other avenues just incase. i might have to charge a retainer, which i hate to do.

my little daughter had a dream about her dad last nite. she said it was about me and him. i love her so much, it pains me.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Have you called Social Services about getting any support for you and the children?

Also, check out US Dept of Health & Human Services - Admin for Children & Families

i have been to human services otherwise known as welfare office. i received emergency food stamps (they only do that whey you are in desperate need,) medicaid for the girls, and child care assistance. i have to file in court (to get a court order) for child support.

Do you have a catholic charities type organization? If you live in MN I can give you the name of a reasonable attorney.

Do you have a Chrysalis in your area? I was told they also help women with finding affordable attornies.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sue with hope:
<strong>Do you have a catholic charities type organization? If you live in MN I can give you the name of a reasonable attorney.

Do you have a Chrysalis in your area? I was told they also help women with finding affordable attornies.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes we have a catholic charities..what do they do? Chrysalis???? what is that.

this past tues was the 4 month mark since my WH has been gone..STILL no phone calls, no request to see his children, no more $$ (just the 240 he sent awhile back.)

i received some letter in the mail about his american home furniture credit card. WE NEVER HAD this credit card. i would have loved to shop there, it is the nicest store to buy nice, quality made furniture, which made it very very very expensive.... that letter came in tuesday, and added more insult to injury. we bought a used couch a long time ago, and never had the need to go get fancy furniture. but i guess he did..for her.

Contact your local church for assistance. They can either directly help or give you names and numbers & point you in the right direction.

Also, check out United States Department of Health and Human Services and HHS - Families & Children

Cathlic Charities has different forms of assistance. I'm not sure how much they help with areas of divorce, or child support. I know they do help. All you have to do is call and see what assistance you qualify for.

Chrysalis is a womens organization to help women get on their feet, they help with other issues. I just looked them up, they are a MN based organization. I'm sure you have something similar in your state, probably called something else.

Where the links that Chris provided helpful?

i have been to HHS in my county and all i qualified for, all they offered me, was food stamps, medicaid and child care assist.

my father told me last nite he is waiting for the sale of my deceased grandmothers house so he can help me w/a lawyer. i hope my wh doesnt file b4 me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

i was thinking last nite, that whore/ow/"ex-supposed friend" must be the light of his life/very important and the person he loves very much. I think of the facts he hasnt called to talk to his children, ask for a visit or see if they are OK. He is now buying expensive furniture for the whore/ow---is just gone gone gone! I dont like it but know if he wants a divorce from me because he doesnt love me (cuz of whore) but what about his offspring. MY GOD how long can he avoid his children, how long can he go one..well its just about 9 wks since his visit w/them and wow 16.5 wks since he moved out. this is the worst nightmare so far in my adult life. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

my ADS are helping me w/my depression but i still think about the double betrayal they did. I have never ever been in a punching fight, never ever ever.... but i would love to kick her rear end! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

i think i updated he has sent a total of 240 to us, and today is his payday--well and mine as well. I had to make a just in time pmt towards our mortgage. I had to wait till i got paid today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> arrrr. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

bump

So, you cannot file for CS through your county without a lawyer? (I think I can in mine, but I think if goes faster with a lawyer than if the county handles it, I'm not sure on that. I was not married at the time I filed for CS so there was no marriage issues)

May I ask what state do you live in?