23:

I would still stay in plan A. If you can't ignore her desire 2 talk about annulment (can you really get one after having had a family 2gether??), then simply tell her that you'd rather not persue it, but you'd respond if she insists.

I don't know whether it indicates contact so much as continued withdrawal. She may be feeling 2 guilty 2 come home or commit in any way at this point. It really still hasn't been all that long since D-day and since the A ended, and if it wasn't her choice that it ended, she may take longer 2 go through withdrawal than most.

And remember, even if she files for DV, you can either stall, or in most states the time it takes for it 2 be final should give her time 2 reflect on the gravity of her decision.

hang in there, 23. It ain't over yet.
-2long

WW called tonight. During the call I mentioned that I was going to be out of town next Monday night and asked WW if she would like to spend the night at home with her Ds. WW said that she didn't feel that Ds would particularly welcome her at the house. I told WW that while "things" had been going on this was true but that if "it" was over then I was sure that the girls would like to have her stay overnight. WW replied that she would really like to spend the time with Ds and that "it" was definitely over. I told her that if that was the case then she was welcome anytime.
I will probably not see WW while she is there. Are there any things that I could do before she spends the night?
WW has left many of her clothes in our closet (mostly winter stuff) even though she has been gone nearly four months. Should I pack them up nicely in boxes to show that Ds and I have started to move on. Should I leave flowers or a bottle of her favorite wine? Leave a note of some kind beside our bed, maybe? Or should I do nothing at all. Come on MB, let me know what you think.

Do nothing.

Finally got a call from my attourney today, asked him if he had bad news. He said that WW had asked her attourney (female, BTW) to call and see if I might want a disillusionment instead of a legal seperation. He asked her why WW had been sitting on seperation papers for months and what she thought WW wanted and she said she believed WW was "lukewarm at best" for either. I think this could be good news. He, of course, thinks like an attourney and says that this is a great time to strike fast and hard to get a better deal.
Still looking for more advice for Monday night.

23:

I like the idea of the favorite wine!

I think it's important not 2 leave signals that you're giving up (like packing her stuff). I think it's important 2 leave signals that you have hope for a fu2re 2gether, like the bottle of wine.

I would tell your attorney 2 hold off. It doesn't sound like your W would be vindictive, since she's been responsible financially so far, right? Why would it make sense 2 go for the jugular?

If you don't want a separation, dissolution or DV, then don't persue one. Let her do the work.

take care,
-2long

WW called about an hour ago. Asked again if I had heard from my attourney. Then informed me that she has had her attourney file for D. Says that she needs to get on with her life and now knows that she does not want to be married any longer. WW says she felt that coming to the house Monday night might have given Ds some hope and there is none. Asked that when I have seen what she is offering that I might be willing to agree to an uncontested D and that we will not even have to go to court. End of M, just that simple.
I hurt. I still love her so much. She is, and I think always will be, the love of my life. The mother of my Ds, my lover, my best friend. I have tried so hard to let her know that and bring her home. I had so hoped that we would spend the rest of our lives happy together.
I know life will go on. I will take care of my Ds and myself. But, oh, the road is going to be so long without her by my side.
Please, say a little prayer for 23down tonight.

PRAYER SENT

Sorry to hear this recent development. Wishing you strength to carry on.

I think part of the problem may be that your W did not really go through the whole cycle of the affair. Because OM broke it off, she may be stuck in the addiction so to speak and still hankering for the "high" of the affair. The best thing ironically may have been if the affair had lasted longer and she had had a chance to see OM warts and all. This way he probably seems "noble" trying to make it work with his wife, and the affair could seem like the perfect love that got away so to speak. You should warn OMW to be very careful, and I would let her know when your W is out of town.

I think your W is certainly in withdrawal, depressed and angry. Definitely protect yourself and hold her to her financial obligations. Then perhaps more of a plan B is called for. Give her her space, let her feel what divorce is like before it happens. She needs to be alone right now and experience the loss of her family. She may pursue OM, or look for another OM, you can't control that and should not try.

There still is a chance your W may realize she is making a mistake. I think Plan B is the best way of letting her realize that.

hugs, prayers, and sunshine, 23 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

"When God closes a door, he opens a window."

PS .... if you don't want a divorce .... it is your right to stall.

If she asks you to sign divorce papers .... say something along these lines:

"I don't want to divorce YOU. I want to remain married to YOU. I need more time to think. I don't understand why I should rush to sign papers that bring me closer to divorcing THE woman I have loved my entire adult life."

Leave her flattered while you stall.

Pep

<small>[ July 25, 2003, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

P... PS

She probably cannot believe you'd still want her .... because she is not liking herself much right now.

Pep

Many, many thanks to all for caring. I still can't believe or understand how WW could walk away from our family or our M.
Only last week WW was telling my younger D that she wanted to start spending two or three nights a week at home. She spent the night Monday (I was out of town) and I had called her earlier in the day to see if maybe we could just go out for a drink after work and figure out some type of arrangement. WW said she felt it would be uncomfortable but she would call me back. Later I get the phone call. She now says that she doesn't even want to come home to visit her Ds here.
As my older D said last night, "I don't know who this woman is, but I wish she would just leave us alone and send my mom home". I feel the same. I don't know this woman, and I don't know that I will ever see my girls' mom again.

She is frightened ...... of herself !

If you did what she did ..... would you trust yourself?

The dilemma of a "rejected by the OP" WS is mighty indeed. (guessing at self-inner babble filling your W's head).....

..Why didn't OP want me?

..I left my family to be with OP.

..I sacrificed everything in my life to be with OP.

..I'm not even good enough for the person I sacrificed everything for.

..I must not be good enough at all.

..My family knows I am not good enough because they saw me do this stupid thing.

..Everyone is better off without me.

..It will never work, because I'm not good enough.

~~~~~ You're still in Plan-A, right?

What can you do (in what may be your last chance) to Plan-A your very confused wife .....? Something that will give her a peek at what her life could be like if she did return home?

Here's a little devious thought ..... can you have a disaster of some sort, and call her desperately needing her help?

If she felt needed and felt she could help with something, it might lure her back in for a peek? You know her, I don't, so i am just shooting from the hip.

Brainstorm some way to tug on her to peek in your door once more.

She is frightened of the thought that she might be a permanent loser.

Pep

<small>[ July 26, 2003, 09:35 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I don't think she really wants a D. She thinks that's the easy way out of going through the pain she is experiencing. I would try to stall her in every way that I can. You probably are so busy being a single parent that you can't possibly make it to the lawyer's office. In the meantime, I agree with the others. Think of a way to continue to PLAN A. She is depressed, going through withdrawal, kicking herself. Maybe send her a card, some balloons ????

The delimna of a WW that was left by OP is indeed a difficult one. I discovered yesterday that OP left WW in June, but since I was deployed WW started an EA with another OP to cope. I know through various means some of the truth about my wife and because of that I understand some of her EN's since she refuses to work on the questionnaires with me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 23down:
<strong>Many, many thanks to all for caring. I still can't believe or understand how WW could walk away from our family or our M.
Only last week WW was telling my younger D that she wanted to start spending two or three nights a week at home. She spent the night Monday (I was out of town) and I had called her earlier in the day to see if maybe we could just go out for a drink after work and figure out some type of arrangement. WW said she felt it would be uncomfortable but she would call me back. Later I get the phone call. She now says that she doesn't even want to come home to visit her Ds here.
As my older D said last night, "I don't know who this woman is, but I wish she would just leave us alone and send my mom home". I feel the same. I don't know this woman, and I don't know that I will ever see my girls' mom again.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi 23,

Have your children let your W know how they feel? Children have a way of cutting right to the chase.

Maybe painful but beneficial for you and the children.

JMHO,
L.

Thinking about you .... hoping for the best ....

So sorry I haven't been posting for a while. But I swear, I have been so confused with the situation between my WW and I that I haven't even known what to say.
I am getting so many mixed messages that I am about to loose my mind. WW finally returned seperation papers, unsigned, but has made so many changes that there is no way my attourney will let me sign them. When I called and told her this she said that maybe we can work out a better agreement if I am willing to do a disillusion. Two days later WW once again told younger D that she would like to spend more time at our house and possibly try spending the night. The next day WW calls older D to let her know that she has signed a lease on an apartment (can't move in for another month) becase she is tired of living with her mother. Thursday WW called me crying and asked if she could come to the house today (Sunday) just to hang out and maybe fix us dinner. She did, then this evening as she is leaving to go back to her mothers we hug goodby, she gets in her car and says "Oh, by the way, I've loaded a bunch of my stuff in the car", and drives away. Then later calls on her cell phone to tell me she enjoyed the day and wants to come see the girls again Tuesday evening. Why, I wonder? To get more stuff?
Not once since the A ended has WW said to me or my Ds that she has any intention of working on our M. In fact she has told us many times that there is no hope, that she does not want to be married any longer.
Has anyone had any experience with this type of behavior? WW seems to want to spend more time with Ds at the house, be friends with me, and yet live her life as a independent single. Could it be that she is trying to rebuild her relationship with our Ds and at the same time get out of our M? The only place that she is able to spend any real time with our Ds is at our house, since they refuse to go to her. They have both said that they will not go to see her at an apartment, and if our M ends WW will no longer be welcome at our house.
I am still doing a good Plan A. Now that WW will have her own apartment, and is looking for a disillusion, is it time for Plan B? The problem is that I am now starting to have more contact with her than I have had for months. But WW is showing absolutely no signs of wanting to save our M. I am thoroughly confused.

23:

"Has anyone had any experience with this type of behavior?"

Yes. We all have. Try 2 work on NOT trying 2 make sense out of it. There is none 2 be made.

I think the gals gave you a ton of great insight last month. My W didn't ever move out, not really (though she started an out of state job last week, she still intends 2 live here), and getting past withdrawal and in2 recovery has still been an 18 month struggle.

Your W has 2 do this on her own. You can't rush it. YOu can only act in your and your Ds best interests. You're doing that now, though it might not feel like it. Keep doing it, keep being loving, and wait. Let her figure this out, because she needs 2 anyway.

-2long

Thanks for the reply, 2long. I have been following your thread all along and it's great the way things have turned around for you. Your patience and devotion is inspiring.
Today WW called to ask Ds to go out of town with her this weekend to stay a night in a hotel. Said that they could go out to dinner and maybe a movie, a girls night out I guess. Neither D seems too thrilled with the idea. Again, it seems that WW is trying to rebuild a R with our Ds while avoiding me, and the girls are not happy about it. Ds and I have a session with FC this Wednesday and they want to talk it out there before they decide.