I was ready to give my wife her letter telling her to leave the house yesterday but I never got the chance. I called her Mom to tell her what I was going to do and while I was on the phone with her my wife's sister called in on the other line. My wife was at her house with the OM. So my wife found out I was talking with her Mom (turned out to be no big deal) and she also found out that I was going to ask her to leave before she came over.

My wife left her sister's to head to our house (about an hour away) and when she did her sister called me. She was so upset her voice was quivering. She told me that my wife has lost her mind and was talking crazy the whole time she was there. She had never met the OM before and they both walked right into her house and started talking. The OM told her that she needed to figure her life out and that he had tried to break it off with her but that she had showed up at his work three days in a row at midnight when he got off. He proceeded to admit that he was a selfish person, wanted things his way, had his ex-girlfriend over to his house and had slept with her. Was still seeing her and my wife at the same time and was not ready to make a commitment to my wife. My wife sat there and agreed with everything he said crying the whole time. This is a woman who has never taken any s**t from anyone, especially another man! It is truly amazing.

Her sister said that she kept saying over and over that she wanted a commitment from the OM that he would be there over the long haul and would help with the kids. He said he has never even met the kids and couldn't give her that kind of promise anyway.

After the OM left her house her sister tried to talk to her about things. She reminded her of how much in love she used to be with me and some of the good times we had. She then asked her if she thought that the bar scene that she is so hooked on could be part of the problem. My wife cut her off before she could even finish and said NO! I didn't even meet the OM at a bar! She met his roommate at the bar, went over to his house and met the OM that way. She is still in such denial.

When my wife showed up here she told me that she was not going to be with the OM but that she couldn't be with me either. She blamed me for taking her money and her kids away from her, leaving her with nothing and she didn't think she could ever get past that. What a CROCK! I have given her free access to the children and this house and have given her money everytime she has asked for it. She said that she has decided to live in an apartment that her Mom owns and she wants to have the kids come over every other weekend and a couple of days during the week. Well this apartment is a good hour away and the kids are still in school. I said why don't you just do the every other weekend thing right now and let them finish out the school year (there's only about six weeks left) before you start taking them there during the week too. She got angry again telling me that it's my way or no way with the kids and that she thinks it's more important that they spend time with there Mom than that they are shipped around from place to place like that. I said I was sorry she was looking at it that way but I had to do what I thought was right for them and that right now I didn't think she was making decisions very rationally. I know that was an LB, I was very calm when I said it but I really didn't know how else to put it.

She said she was going to talk to a lawyer today to find out what her options were because she is tired of feeling out of control. She's arlready so angry and blaming me for everything, if I give her the separation papers with my custody arrangement on them she is going to hate me. I guess there is nothing I can do about that, I have to do what I think is best for the kids.

starman:

You're absolutely right. Your kids first right now.

Your W's universe is imploding around her right now. You need to let it collapse. She will need time to figure herself out and withdraw from her OM. plan B for sure.

Take care, this can work.
-Qfwfq

I advise that you contact an attorney ASAP and find out what your legal options are to protect you and the kids against a legal attack against you. WW's are very prone to use the legal system to launch pre-empted attacks against their BH's, so don't take her threats lightly. Remember that right now, your WW is like a wounded animal, the most dangerous kind.

<small>[ April 18, 2003, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I am meeting with my lawyer on Tuesday to get the separation papers filed. I am in a quandry about how far to go with custody and assets, etc. I don't want a big fight but I'm afraid that my WW is going to look for every reason to be angry with me so she can justify her own behavior. I guess I should just go for the maximum and negotiate down from there. I want to try to leave the door open for her a little bit but it's hard to figure out how to do that with things at this point.

Starman,

I am going to be blunt. VEry blunt. You are a complete fool if you don't file those papers and file for divorce. Protect your children, DO NOT worry about LB's. You need to grow some and take control of your life RIGHT NOW. Your W has major problems, she had them before from what you have said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a woman who has never taken any s**t from anyone, especially another man! It is truly amazing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A person like that is no more stable not taking **** than she is now. Your kids schooling is important, your life is important, and it is clear she has no interest in valuing either of them.

Be a man, hand her her walking papers, and tell her to get some help. She may. If she does, THEN worry about LB's. Right now you need to tell her in no uncertain terms to buzzz off and stay gone until she grows up and gets help. You might find that it will shock her into seeing you differently, but what I am sure you will find, is that your children's lives will be much better for this.

She does them no good, throwing them at every OM she meets, avoiding being a mother going to bars, getting soo drunk she can hardly remember where she is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Buddy, do the right thing, and saving your children and yourself is the right thing.

Do you get the idea I am serious about this? I hope so.

God Bless,

JL

Starman-

I agree with the others, you need to talk to a lawyer and d protect yourself and your kids. I am so sorry it has come to this but you need to think of your kids!

I am all for doing whatever necessary to save a M, but she is not thinking rationally right now.

Please, Starman, listen to the others and protect yourself.

I have decided that separation papers would be a waste of time. My wife is too far gone and there is nothing more I can do. Even tonight with her world crumbling around her she couldn't miss her night out at the bar. I feel terrible for my kids that I didn't do a better job of picking a wife, but they wouldn't be who they are otherwise so it's okay. I would have never gotten through this without all of you here and I can't thank you enough. I feel good about my decision to D because I know that we will all be better off in the long run. The more my mind clears the more I see what a true mess of a human being my wife has become and limiting my kids exposure to her is in their best interest. I can't believe I'm actually typing such a thing. I always thought that having a Mom and Dad together for the kids was best for them almost no matter the situation but it's not always the case.

starman,

Even in MB ... not all marriage could be save and not all marriage should be save. Proceed cautiously, get advice from your lawyer about CC first before making such move. IMVHO, filed for full custody and give her visitation right then negotiate from there. Why ?. You will have temporary custody right away until the first meeting ... those temporary usually become permanent if your kids are young.

-rh-

My MIL had a long, hard talk with my wife today. She told her that she couldn't let her stay in the apartment because they can't afford to be without the rent from it. She proceeded to tell her that if she insisted on being with the OM then she needed to do it the right way. Stand up and face the consequences of the decisions she has made. She told her that I was absolutely right in not wanting to put the kids in the middle of this situation and if she was going to do this with the OM that she needed to talk with me and work out a custody agreement. Then explain to the kids what is going on so that they have some time to adjust to what's happening to them before they go over to their house. She finished up by saying that whether she stayed married or not she was a Mother with responsibilities and she needed to stop going to the bars with her single friends all the time and start putting her kids first.

She said that my wife took what she was saying fairly well as far as she could tell. I thanked her for the good job she did and told her that I was going to file for primary custody and a visitation agreement for my wife. I told her that I will be watching her behavior now and if she straightens up I would feel more comfortable with more of a 50-50 type of custody arrangement.

Part two. Our mutual friend called me and said that my wife was going to have a heart to heart talk with the OM and move in with him. Then she was going to file separation papers and begin the process of bringing the kids to their house. My friend asked her what if the OM doesn't want you to move in with him? She said that he would but if he didn't then she would just move back home. I said BULLS**T! I'm actually in the position of hoping the OM lets her move in because that to me is better than having her come back here. I'm not the greatest guy in the world but I'm not going to be someone's fall back plan either!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starman:
<strong>I'm not the greatest guy in the world but I'm not going to be someone's fall back plan either!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that is how every BS feels after their WS returns home! I am glad you have IL's like that I only wish I had IL's with guts like yours have!

Stay Strong and do what is best for you and your kids!

starman:

You're absolutely right. I don't believe this A will last long at all, even if (maybe even particularly if) she moves in with the OM. The point is, you've got your waterfowl coaxial. She can't come home just because he won't take her in. I think she'll need a "cooling off period" by herself. Time to pull her head out of her butt. Like months.

Have a happy Bunny Day!
-Qfwfq

Well my wife was going to have her long, heart to heart conversation with the OM last night. She called him before they got together and told him that she was separating from me and that she could now move in with him and start bringing the kids over. Well lo and behold he never shows up for there big talk! She sits there all night and shows up here about 6:00 this morning to celebrate Easter. She cried and cried this morning and couldn't even join us for Easter dinner at HER sister's house. I feel bad for her to an extent but also know that this is a hard lesson that hopefully she will learn from. HAPPY EASTER EVERYBODY!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starman:
<strong>I feel bad for her to an extent but also know that this is a hard lesson that hopefully she will learn from.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know many will "SideWinder" me for this. You have work hard for your M, now she is falling down you should catch her if she lets you. The fog is clearing up, just be there and be ready. IMVHO, sit down and think hard, if she does the right thing do you still want her ?. I would suggest you proceed with caution but don't shut the door if you don't mean too. Poke the situation and start the R talk. This is the time to show your feeling to her with compassion and what you beleive in. Don't expect much but try to gather info. No red carpet for her but you need to let her know what need to happen to reconsile. I know you could handle no LB.

-rh-

No sidewinders from ol' Qfwfq!

I tend to agree with redhat. Take it slow and be supportive.

...hehehe... He stood her up!!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
♥Qfwfq