Hi, I've been married to H for almost 8 years, we have 2 beautiful children that are the reason I keep going everyday.

I met H in high school... yes, the typical "high school sweetheart syndrome". We've been together 14 yrs in total. I'm 30, H is 31. We started having problems about a year and a half ago and I became very distant. Not sexually, but we were not nice to each other. I started going out with my friends to get out of the house, and he began to become suspicious and jealous. I wasnt' out doing anything bad, I was with the same group of friends I had known for 12 years (and he knows them all as well as their husbands).

My problem is last year about this time, he went out with a bunch of co-workers. One of them that I had considered a friend. I did not go out that night. H and I were already having problems and seeing a counselor. Long story short... something happened between them. SUPPOSEDLY, she got drunk and "came on to him". I still never got the full story of what exactly transpired, but I've got a good idea.

Anyway, I went into his email (I know, a big no-no) and found out they "had to talk" the Monday after. I confronted him, and he lied that he even went to lunch with her that day. It was a big huge blownout fight at the counselor's office about him lying, etc, how he feels he needs to protect other people, not his family, etc. I finally let it go (honestly, I had no solid proof and our children are both under 5). That whore never even apologized to me. I didn't speak to her for months, and finally one day saw her, but we never spoke about it.

Fast forward one year now, and I found out FROM HER that he emailed her. (just a how you doing, I know nothing is going on, as we moved across country). When I non-chalantly asked this morning if he's kept in touch with anyone from work, he named everyone BUT her. When I asked him if he's heard from her, he denied it. I finally broke down and said, well, she told me that not only did you contact her via email, YOU were the one that initiated it. He kept trying to wiggle out of it, until he finally admitted it. He thought I seemed to be making a big deal out of this.

Am I crazy? Is there something wrong if he is denying sending a hello email?? Why?? Why lie about it?? He doesn't seem to understand that I'm more upset about the lying. That it makes me MORE suspicious to find things out and he denies it.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I AM NOT leaving. I will not compromise my children's happiness and comfort for some dirty **** 's happiness and his. He can lead a double life as long as he wants and deal with it. At the same time, I'll go out and find my own if I have to.

I just feel that I've put 100% into being honest into this marriage, and he hasn't. It all comes down to that he continues to not be open and feels the need to hide things from me. I'm soooooo done here trying to save this.

Am I overreacting? Am I deluded?? What drives me even more insane is that this woman is so butt ugly, she's a little, chubby, veneer-toothed troll with really bad roots. I'm no supermodel, but I consider myself extremely good looking, and have really made a point to take care of myself after having my children.

I'm just done.

You're not crazy. It was wrong for him to hide the fact of the email from you.

But I gotta say, you're scaring me. Yes, what you're thinking is probably true. But there is more to working on a marriage than forcing the truth to come out under duress and being 100% honest. I see a lot of accusations. There are alternatives to dealing with the issue.

You are making a big deal out of it. No point in denying that. But lying to spouse is something to make a big deal about. Honesty seems very important to you. I wouldn't say over-reacting, but it is a strong reaction. And if all your H gets every time is a lot of anger, he's really going to NOT want to be honest in the future. Hence the lying.

I don't see anything delusion in what you've said. The signs are there. I would say that you may be a bit lacking in understanding his point of view. If I had to guess, I see a husband who saw the person he loved chose to NOT spend time with him. That can be a really hurtful thing for some folks. He may have wanted to just spend time doing stuff with you. But just got a lot of rejection, and had to wonder why his wife would treat him that way.

I see that there are a lot of things that were only touched upon in your post taht signal at your fustration over how things have gone(counseling, the last year and a half, etc), so I'll just leave stop here before I speculate too much. I'll just summarize:

*He has a lot of reasons to lie.
*You have a lot of reasons to be angry and fustrated, but there may be better ways to express it
*I hope the threat to "find your own" was venting.
*If he did cheat, I'm not suggesting you did anything to justify that.

Do you think he is still maintaining an affair-like relationship?

Since you asked "what to do", here's my suggestion. Decide this: If you knew what you could do to increase the chances that your H would open up, would you work on things? It's seems like you might, but I don't want everyone to assume you would.

Feel free to label my thoughts as junk. FWIW, going into email isn't automatically a "big no-no".

<small>[ April 18, 2003, 03:39 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

funkymom,

I think you realize you have a big problem here. And it isn't going away, it is just swept under the carpet for the time being. Whatever it was that led him to have an affair has never been addressed, much less fixed, which leaves your marriage vulnerable for a repeat performance. Your marriage will stay sick unless there is some mutual honesty.

That being said, you can't force someone to be honest. What he is doing is beyond cruel. He is withholding facts about *YOUR* life. He is probably doing it out of fear of losing you. Which is even worse, because that means he is basically holding you with a lie.

I would strongly suggest that you start working on your marriage and hopefully he will come along. I would start with executing a Plan A, finding out what his needs are and how you can best meet them. Try to determine what it was that led to the conditions in the marriage that led to the affair. Another suggestion would be to run to the bookstore and get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley and "Surviving an Affair." They are both excellent books that will help you understand what has happened here.

You have a great opportunity here to salvage your marriage and turn it into a great marriage if you just try some new methods. But doing what you have been doing has not been working.

Also, I would continue to watch his computer. You have good reason to keep an eye on him since there is an integrity problem here.