In January of 2001, my wife and I had our first and only child. A few months after that, I got a really bad feeling in my stomach that something was wrong, even though everything was going great. So I started snooping around. I started by checking her cell phone. I recognized all of the numbers except for one, so I called it, and it was a guy that she works with. After this, I started checking the cell phone bill every month, and noticed there were a lot of calls to and from this guy's number, before work, during lunch, and after work, some were just a few minutes long, some over 10 minutes. Also all of the calls were made on the days I am off of work, when I stay at home all day. I also looked through her purse and noticed she started carrying perfume and deodorant, something she had never done before. Also she had gone to lunch with this guy several times, saying he was taking her out for a job well done, when they don't even work in the same department. So after a while I asked her about the calls. I asked who it was, all she would say is "someone I work with". I asked her 3 more times and got the same response each time. I told her I knew who it was. She then said "I didn't want to tell you, I knew you would get jealous". I asked her what was going on between them and she said "Nothing we are just friends". So I let it go, but told her the calls had to stop. So they did. A few days after this she was acting depressed, and she told me she wanted to separate, but stay married, but she wanted to date other people. I told her whatever makes her happy. She thought about it for a few days and decided to try and work it out. So we did and everything was fine. But lately everything in the past has been eating on my mind. The last few weeks all of a sudden, she has gone to the doctor and gotten 3 medications to clear up her face, she has started working out this last week, she wants to start going to a tanning salon, and she wants to start getting a bikini wax. I asked her why she is doing all of this all of a sudden, and told her I love her just they way she is, but she got mad at me saying I was being suspicious. The day after that she got mad at me for shutting a door too hard, packed up the baby and left for a few hours. Is there something I should be concerned about, could she be cheating? Thanks for any help.

<small>[ April 18, 2003, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: tantric923 ]</small>

Yes she COULD be. Sounds like she has had or is having an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR at the very least.
Continue reading here about Affairs, Plan A, etc.

sorry double post

<small>[ April 18, 2003, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: trying2_4give ]</small>

Dear Tantric:

If you've read around enough on this forum, you'd find that by the time most people get around to asking the question you've asked, the A has already been going on for some time. I certainly hope that this is not the case for you and your W, but the behavior you describe is certainly suspicious.

Most WS do not spontaneously confess, and when confronted, most will lie about the A unless there is concrete evidence of it that you've gathered. So, if you want to save your marriage, you should do several things:

1) Read up on affairs. This site and the Harley's books are a good start, but I'd also highly recommend the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It might be especially good for your situation from what you've described.

2) Collect more evidence until you have the proof you need. Emails, phone records, computers, etc. are all good places for evidence. Many affair partners communicate electronically, and this usually leaves a lot of messy trails to follow.

3) Eventually, you must confront your W. The sooner the better of course. Since you've already confronted her about the coworker, which she denied having an A with, it might be better to collect more data first, then confront again. Before you confront her, however, make sure you know what you want to achieve and what information you need her to tell you about the A.

4) If your W is having an A, you'll need to have some preliminary plans for how you want to deal with it, such as whether you want counseling, how to deal with STD testing, whether or not you believe your child may have been fathered by the OM and if you want to know that info and what you want to do if: a) she denies it, b) she admits but wants to leave you, or c) she admits and wants to stay.

3XL

I checked out Plan A and Plan B. If I ever found out my wife did cheat on me, I would divorce her. I would not stick around and try and work it out, because she did it to me before we were married. I am pretty sure she knows that. I think that if she did cheat on me, this is the reason she would not tell me, because she knows I would leave her in a heartbeat. Thanks for the help.

Although some on this site, which is very supportive of marriage, will urge you to try to save your M at all costs, I can respect the feelings you have. Even though in my situation, I am trying to recover from my W's affairs, it is a very difficult road. Many WS do not commit 100% to recovery for a long time, and if the commitment to the process isn't there from you too, your M may have already ended in all respects but legally years ago.

Before you decide to end your M though, for your child's sake at least you may want to find out for sure if there has been an A. Also, I recommend checking out Michelle Weiner-Davis's site on why divorce isn't necessarily all its cracked up to be. You can follow this link:

Divorce Busters

No, I do not want to end the marriage if there has been no affair, but I mean she has done it before, then lied to my face about who she was talking to on the phone. If there was really no affair then we can work things out. Thanks for the help.

No, I do not want to end the marriage if there has been no affair, but I mean she has done it before, then lied to my face about who she was talking to on the phone. If there was really no affair then we can work things out. Thanks for the help.

You should realize that you may be sending her the message that her honesty will only cause her further pain (i.e., she knows that telling you about an affair would result in a divorce she may not want). If so, what incentive does she have to be honest with you?

Since you are not sure about whether an affair has taken place, you might consider telling her that you suspect one. That's honest on your part. If she's really NOT having one, then she may be angry, but she'd probably go out of her way to prove that you're wrong. The policy of radical honesty and the openness it creates in a M may well be worth instituting in your M. Affairs cannot survive without deception, so the more open your relationship is, the better. Examples of this could be that email account passwords are all known to both spouses, that all cell phone bills, credit card bills, receipts and bank statements are available for review at any time. Privacy is for singles, not for married couples.

I told her that I suspected one when I confronted her about the phone calls, she just said "No, we are just friends, nothing is going on." That was it. She did not get angry about anything in the whole situation, not even that I had the thought in my mind. She never tried proving me wrong at all about anything, just told me it was nothing more than friends. I even recently lied to her and told her that someone had told me something happened between her and the other guy. She didn't even get mad at that. She just asked "Who told you?" and that was it. Didn't ask what was said or anything, she just wanted to know who told me. That struck me as odd also. I understand what you are saying about privacy, that is why I keep nothing from her. She tried to hide from me who she was talking to. The one other thing I don't understand is if they were only friends, why couldn't they talk at work? They are together for more than 8 hours a day, but they had to talk before work, during lunch, and after work on the cell phone. Something is not right with the whole thing and I can't get her to say anything about it, or find out anything for myself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3xL:

"You should realize that you may be sending her the message that her honesty will only cause her further pain (i.e., she knows that telling you about an affair would result in a divorce she may not want). If so, what incentive does she have to be honest with you?"
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent point.

It would have been much better if you had stated that the marriage would end in divorce IF you found out the truth on your own, rather than she volunteering it. At that point she would have been duly served notice that dishonesty (and NOT honesty) would not be tolerated.

Are you here at MB to have us confirm your suspicions so that you can divorce her or to fight to save your marriage?

I agree that she has zero incentive to be honest with you, given your view of infidelity. Most WS's are dishonest to some extent to begin with but she will definitely try and cover her tracks. I'd suggest that if you're determined to know the truth, back off on the questions/accusations and hire a PI or try to find out yourself. You definitely have a right to know, though in your case I'd guess your suspicions are correct.

Just out of curiousity, why wouldn't you consider trying to salvage the M what with a child together? I don't know if you've read this but lots of marriages come out much better than ever before if both parties are willing to work. However it turns out, good luck to you!

Fist of all, I am here because I need help on how to get the ball rolling. She will not tell me anything even though I keep asking, but I know in my heart and my gut, something was going on. I am needing help on how to try and find out the truth. Secondly, I honestly don't know what would happen if something did happen. I just don't think I could be with her after she did that.

It looks to me from what you've written that you're still on the fence about the whole thing. That's understandable. I know that I seriously considered divorcing my WW after D-day, and even did ask her for a D at one point but didn't follow through. If your W is having an A, it will be tough on you no matter what course you choose (stay or go), so at least try to keep an open mind until you're sure about the A. The recommendation to hire a PI is a fine one if you can afford it. You do have a right to know. If you're wrong, though, you'll owe your W an apology for having her followed.

You should also consider this. Even if your W is not having an A, from what you've written (i.e., suspicions, dishonesty, history of cheating), your marriage is in deep trouble. If you act soon, you will have more choices about whether or not to salvage the relationship.

Tantric...I can help you. I am tired of my own situation. I found out my wife cheated in Feb., she was on her way out in March and Apr. (you can read my posts), now, things are apparently normal and she is still at home. We are as intimate as we have ever been, we are talking more, we are both smiling more, but there is still something there. I found out she is still talking to the other man...I'm about tired of the whole thing.

Anyway, back to you. Ask your wife this question, "If you WERE to cheat on me, would you tell me?" If she answers no, she more than likely has cheated already, does not care much about the marriage, and is at least trying to be honest with you. If she answers, yes, chances are she is very close to cheating now, if she has not already. If she has cheated and answered yes, you will notice the guilt on her face immediately, she will behave differently. You will know if she has not cheated and has no intentions on cheating if she says without missing a beat, "Honey, I never will cheat on you again. I love you too much," or something like that. This is not foolproof, but hey, every person who's asked this question and got an answer like I just mentioned, it turned out to be what I just said. Try it and see. But only ask that question. However she answers, leave it at that. Don't say another word.

But my guess, based on what you said, is that she has emotionally cheated and the physical is about to happen any day now. She will probably do something to piss you off so she can feel justified in cheating. Watch her behavior. She will not take much from you now. The moment you get upset at her and show it, she's gone sleeping with the enemy.

Just my opinion though.

tantric923,
If you are uncomfortable with her "friendship" ask her to end it. If she is unwilling then you have the answer to your question - she is having an affair. ANY relationship that is more important than their marriage is an affair. You can go crazy obsessing about how far its gone. Even the little info you have, she has gone too far. Married women should not have the need to call another man that much unless it is something more.

tantric923,

I was M for 10 years. 2 kids. One night my W, now XW went out with her girlfriend from work for dinner. She came home at 3am. My ex never stays out late, let alone goes out after work. After that day, I had the "bad feeling pains in the stomach". She soon started to fade away from me.

After a month I did some snooping, and sure enough - jackpot. I got a hold of her cell and found numbers to a guy at her work that she was calling. I went one step further. I checked the house phone records and I found out that after that night she went out till 3am, she had called his cell or his work phone 120 times in little over a month.

I confronted her and all I got were lies. Finally, she told me that she talked to him as only a friend. She said that she talked to him only a few times, not knowing that I knew it was over 100 times. She also told me that her guy friend went to dinner with them that night. She did not tell me because I would get jealous. Finally I dropped the bomb and let all the info I had on them out. She had no answer. Then she turned on me and said I forced her to go to him. I was the one to blame, not her.

I tried to make things work to no avail. 9 months later, I served papers.

Your situation is just like mine.

Bottom line - I went with my gut and was right. I hope your feeling is wrong and everything works out.

Good luck.

Dino

I think that most of the people who have already posted have given very good advice. I don't have anything to add, except that I wish the best for you.

Trust your gut instincts. Mine never failed me. I believed so many lies against my gut instinct and the situation spiraled out of control.

Thank you all for your great advice. You have all been very helpful to me. Thank you.