Yes I do listen, sometimes! (I'm a woman, lol!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Funny, I told one of my girlfriends about Sunday night's crazy sequence of events, and she figures it's all a pack of lies anyway. I mean, who would bring the gas cap with them in their pocket, to show me, other than a detailed liar? Enough about that stupid night though.

Boundaries back up!
-I ain't wasting my time calling him or seeking him out.
-If he seeks me out or calls me, I will be very selective about when I answer again. No calls after 10pm!
-If we meet up and he's drunk, or he calls and confesses that he is drunk, the meeting or call is done. (Should I just say I have to go, or should I tell him I'd rather talk to him when he's not under the influence?)
-No more sexual escapades. I don't know where his wee willie's been now.
-Decide you want me and want to work on this wholeheartedly, or forget intimacy buddy. He'll have to live with just conversations, and if he wants more, he'll have to ask me out on dates.

Did I miss any boundaries? Are those all boundaries?

Jen

What struck me odd about that story was the fact that she ran out of gas but pulled in behind him in the drive? How are you out of gas but still driving?

Good for you...about your boundaries.

ayslyne

Jen,
I have an assignment for you. I want you to copy these words down (your own words) and put them somewhere where you can privately review them frequently for reinforcement:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Boundaries back up!
-I ain't wasting my time calling him or seeking him out.
-If he seeks me out or calls me, I will be very selective about when I answer again. No calls after 10pm!
-If we meet up and he's drunk, or he calls and confesses that he is drunk, the meeting or call is done. (Should I just say I have to go, or should I tell him I'd rather talk to him when he's not under the influence?)
-No more sexual escapades. I don't know where his wee willie's been now.
-Decide you want me and want to work on this wholeheartedly, or forget intimacy buddy. He'll have to live with just conversations, and if he wants more, he'll have to ask me out on dates.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would screen my calls constantly, so you can decide whether you want to speak with him or not after you figure out it's him calling.

Tell him...btw..when he's drunk or admits drinking, " I don't care to talk to people when they're drunk as it's not possible to have an honest conversation with someone when they're drunk. Sorry, gotta go. Bye."

Also, where he's been as far as women goes is scary, but even more important is that when you 'sleep' (a euphemism I've never understood) with him you lose your integrity, right?

It sounds to me like he REALLY needs help with a drinking problem. Until he is 'sober', it'll be impossible to have any R with him, won't it?

One more thing, Jen. If it were your daughter ( I know you don't have one) that were behaving as you are with this man (your H), what advice would you give HER? It seems to me that you are rescuing too much here, or trying to control something that can't be controlled. Please don't take offense , I am only trying to be helpful. I bet you would tell your daughter to forget it, and move on. Please think on that one a bit.

Take care Jen, and do that assignment. One more thing that will help you in your resolve to keep your boundaries would be to write down a list of all the things he's done to hurt you in the past few months. This should help immensely.

Take care,
H_P

ayslyne - his explanation for that was that first he went home, got gas can, went back to her on road, then they both went back to the house. Whatever.

h_p - You are awesome. I wish I could see things from the outside like you. I would be telling any daughter of mine to quit putting up with this crap. I'm taking your advice now! I've printed off my list, and I'm going to dust off my journal that I've not written in in weeks, to make that list of things he's done to hurt me. I think I'm also going to make a list of lies, or suspicious tales.

Off to bed to do some journalling,

Jen

Jen, I truly want to see you ENFORCE those boundaries because your H won't respect you until he sees that you are NOT his doormat. Jen, there a MILLIONS of men out there that would be dying to have a woman such as you, and for that reason I WANT YOUR HUSBAND TO KNOW THAT HE IS NOT THE ONLY MAN ON EARTH THAT WANTS A WOMAN LIKE YOU.

Jen you are a WW that most of us BS DREAM of having (I WANT TO TRAVEL TO CANADA TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOUR HUSBAND). In a way I feel for the schmuck when he finally realizes what he has lost.

<small>[ April 23, 2003, 12:49 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Thanks TMCM. I want to enforce them too. You said
"In a way I feel for the schmuck when he finally realizes what he has lost." BUT you should've said this: "In a way I feel for the schmuck IF HE EVER finally realizes what he has lost."

I am SO glad I pulled out my journal tonight. I made a few HUGE realizations.

The big two are:

1) On August 19th, I wrote something about me moving out so that I wouldn't have to put up with him pretty much ignoring me all of the time, and only coming to me for sex. OMG that is STILL how he treats me. (PEOPLE TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU LET THEM TREAT YOU. IF I SETTLE FOR LESS THAN I DESERVE, THAT IS WHAT I WILL GET. I can say it in many different cliche ways, but I NEED TO CHANGE HOW I'M BEHAVING!)

2) He mentioned something to me about waiting to make his decision about whether he wants to take me back or not until the end of the summer (end of August). He or I could file for Dv at the beginning of June (1 year of separation has passed by then). He is likely wanting to wait that long so he can save up enough cash to pay off what he owes me for the house without having to withdraw equity from the house. GRRRR. This is just a speculation, but wow, it is so bloody likely.

I wish I felt this strong all of the time. Funny how I feel my strongest right after he's been a complete a$$.

Jen

Thanks, Jen! I'm glad you found my words useful.

I thus far haven't been able to save my own R with my exH, and it doesn't look so good at this point.

But if I can at least use my sadly acquired knowledge to somehow help someone here, then at least the A and my messed up life (consequences) haven't been entirely in vain!

Stay strong, you can do it. I don't mean to sound blunt but you sound far too intelligent to put up with baloney like this from anyone. Just keep reminding yourself that you wouldn't allow your daughter to be treated this way, so why would you allow it being done to YOU. (forget the old 'but I love him stuff')

Listen to Coffeeman! You deserve far better. Again, sorry to sound blunt but it's too late for niceties. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take care,
H_P

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BUT you should've said this: "In a way I feel for the schmuck IF HE EVER finally realizes what he has lost."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh Jen I have no doubts whatsoever that if you and him ever parted ways, that he would hit the roof if he ever saw you in the arms of another man. The fool would clearly realize the mistake he made in not making the effort to save the marriage. Even his family, initially thought that it was he that had the A because of the way he treated you.

The setting of boundaries and their enforcement, would probably have the same effect as you dating other men (without the dangers involved in it) and your H would have to deal with the very real possibility of losing you forever.

But as always, it's your call.

hopeful_person: I had a glimpse of your other thread. Your name is so appropriate considering how you are still hopeful to get back together with your exH. I appreciate your knowledge. It feels bizarre that sometimes we can give others advice that really seems to help in their lives, but we can't get what we want out of our own lives, doesn't it?

Don't worry, you weren't too blunt. I appreciate directness! I really like the "my daughter" analogy. Even if I were a friend of myself, I don't think I could stand to watch me either.

TMCM: Reading your post, I hear my H's remark once about the possibility of me finding another man ringing in my ears. He told me I would find another man and get married and have kids and live happily ever after.

The setting of boundaries is for me and my sanity, and as one person noted to me on a thread over on the D/D board, if it happens to wake up my H along the way, it's an added bonus.

I can actually predict how he'll respond at first though. Very angry. Very accusational. He'll remind me of my faults and how wrong I've been. Then he'll move on to accusing me of being condascending and high-falootin'. I've been there before. Now it's just staying the course the second time around!

Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> On August 19th, I wrote something about me moving out so that I wouldn't have to put up with him pretty much ignoring me all of the time, and only coming to me for sex. OMG that is STILL how he treats me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just had another realization....maybe that is really how our marriage was going for that matter before my A.....I didn't get as much attention from him as I'd like, he gave me significant attention when he was horny, but other than that, it was like he was putting up with me, the inferior wife (he liked his 2 female friends' attention better)

Also, this ties in to the me as child him as parent scenario: "You're a bad little girl. You don't do enough around here. I do it all for you. Oh, wait, I'm going to be nice to you for a bit now so you'll have sex with me."

Demented maybe, but seems plausible!

Jen

I know this may sound like I'm focussing on him, but some good news today.

I found out that "C" is no longer going to have a job at my H's school next year due to cut backs!

God works in mysterious ways.....my poor H will only have one female friend to dote on him at work next year, and she's the sane one that I still keep in touch with from time to time.

Tee hee hee, hooray! Good riddance girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Jen

The Lord does work in mysterious ways and it is usually so much wiser to sit back and let fate take it's course. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Jen:

"I mean, who would bring the gas cap with them in their pocket, to show me, other than a detailed liar? "

More importantly, why isn't the gas cap on her gas tank???

...STOP, THIEF!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-Qfwfq

Well, Q, it was the inner cap or something from the jerry can.

But why am I defending him?

Time to go for a run!

Sometimes I wonder if my choice of exercise is symbolic, like I'm running away from someone.....lol

Jen

Hey Jen,

I think you are coming around <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I have noticed that you seem to be trying to help others in their situations and not as focused on your own. This is good.......

That is a sign of getting to the correct place emotionally.

Life is good... Full of pleasures... Enjoy the good.... think on the good.... Being happy just the way things are gives up peace and serenity. Once you get used to it, drama will be something you never want in your life again........

You are coming across as more decisive and confident.... Good move....

Thanks keepmvn4wrd for the encouragement! It's fairly easy to be strong and confident and focus on myself when my H leaves me alone though. I have yet to be tested by contact with him since that 4:30 am visit. But, if and/or when he does try to contact me, that mental list of boundaries will be running through my head, loud and clear.

Jen

Jen

I just wanted to point something out which struck me as odd.

Me single woman, man (alone) helps me because I have run out of petrol - no way, no how would I entertain either

a) as a woman on my own get help from a man on his own in the middle of the night and
b) I would certainly NOT go back to his house alone for a drink (a stranger)

Maybe this is because of where I live, but frankly, even if I wasn't in London, I wouldn't do this. Would you? This whole story seems very fishy to me.

I also agree with Ark was it that said the whole story is a bit of a drama. Jen, this does you no good. I know you want to save your M, but this sort of behaviour is more likely to send you crazy.

Set those boundaries Jen and stick with them, for your security and well being. BTW Jen, set those boundaries and stick with them. Listen, did I mention, set those boundaries..... yeah, I know, sorry, but I can't see how these incidents are doing anything to help you recover your M. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Take care Jen.

Lisa

quote:I have yet to be tested by contact with him since that 4:30 am visit. But, if and/or when he does try to contact me, that mental list of boundaries will be running through my head, loud and clear.

I am sure with you being a teacher, that if your students KNOW the answers to a test that it makes it much easier to pass. I have given you your answers, now all you need to do is put them to work.

Remember, men are like puppies.. chase them they run away... walk away from them, they come back.... This board is chock full of men who say that they did not know what they had until the woman started acting like she wanted to move on.
They couldn't put a finger on it early on, but they just sensed something was up. What they sensed came from the woman acting from an attitude of letting go and telling him that maybe it was not working. Suddenly the man will do anything to save the relationship. She then becomes mysterious and wants space and does not want to talk about the relationship.. of course then, that is ALL he wants to talk about....

Please think about these principles. They are the key answers to your next TEST... I hope you get an A+ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Relax, enjoy your time alone... Life is good...
Confidence, happiness, and no pressure are what bring them back..

Will do, will do! Happy Friday everyone!

Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Remember, men are like puppies.. chase them they run away... walk away from them, they come back.... This board is chock full of men who say that they did not know what they had until the woman started acting like she wanted to move on.
They couldn't put a finger on it early on, but they just sensed something was up. What they sensed came from the woman acting from an attitude of letting go and telling him that maybe it was not working. Suddenly the man will do anything to save the relationship. She then becomes mysterious and wants space and does not want to talk about the relationship.. of course then, that is ALL he wants to talk about.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is equally true for women. Just read what happened with other FWW like imready2try, Morticia, butterfly emerging, srswiger, etc, when their H's said to them "we're thru". The fact is that no matter if the WS is a man or woman, a great majority of them are cakewalkers and their addiction to their OP's over (or very close to being over), they suddenly get religion and want to save their M's all because their BS's said to them "we're thru".

<small>[ April 25, 2003, 09:06 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>