Following a 4.5 yr affair that I had, My husband and I are reconciling and rebuilding our marriage. I think that we are well on our way and I see a positive future ahead of us. I *do* love him. He loves me and has recently said that he has forgiven me. (A big step to which I am very grateful for) I told him of the affair 10 weeks ago. After much deliberance, I finally realized that I had to, for the sake of our marraige AND for my own well-being. It was getting to where I just couldn't live with the secret of what I had done. It has been a rollercoaster-ride-of-emotions for him ever since, despite the fact that we now feel closer to one another than ever before...but we *are* gaining ground with every day.

As far as the affair, I last saw the OM a year ago. Ever since, it has been a slow and agonizing withdrawel from him. He ended the physical aspect of the affair because I wouldn't leave my H and family for him until my children were old enough ....and he felt he needed to get on with his life and couldn't wait. (He is divorcing) We still remained email friends altho he became more and more distant as time went on (which about killed me)I finally ended all communication with him just 3 months ago. It got to where it was too hard on me to even communicate with him. I guess deep down I still wanted more even though I denied it-to even myself. Then, when I had all the pain I could handle, I knew I had to become proactive and just sever him completely from my life in order to heal. A week later I told my H...so as to seal the separation from the OM AND also to come clean with my H and begin rebuilding my marraige.

My problem (which seems minor compared to all the postings I have read) is that I cannot get the OM out of my head. It is as tho he is a part of me.
I carry inner sadness and grief deep within me...hidden from my H and the world. It may be the price I pay and the burdon I must carry for
my A...but it's not fair to my H.

I train my mind and exercise positive thoughts
of allllll I have to be grateful for in the outcome of all of this. I am lucky to have the wonderful H that I do. I pray to God for direction and strength. I need to get over this other man so that my H has ALL of me. I know can't have true happiness and peace until I stop loving the OM. And I am so tired of the struggle.
Not only was the affair a hardship, but my recovery from it seems endless and sometimes hopeless.

This OM is IN me...a part of me....and I can't stop loving him or thinking about him. I try to think negative thoughts about him...he hurt me so deeply...the affair hurt my H so deeply.
But we were so very close and I miss him dearly. I loved his mind. I fell in love with his mind. Somedays it about kills me to acknowledge that I won't even know when he passes away. He lives 1,000 miles away. I'll never know anything about what happens to him.

I have fleeting thoughts of contacting his oldest son, JUST to be able to have that much... but I know I can't. Any contact with the OM's life is forbidden. I KNOW that.

Can someone out there who has been through this offer me any comfort or advice? I want to heal and forget about him...I want to get on with my new life. I want to be able to look my H in the eyes and say "I am all yours and my entire heart belongs to *you* and only *you*"

He deserves that. All marriages should. I have to let this other man go in every sense of the word, but how do I manage that when he is embedded deep within me?

I will add that my H and I are doing EVERYTHING
to share and build our life together. I DO want and need that. SO does he. He would be devastated if he knew how much the OM still occupies my mind. And I am going to counceling as well. The councelor is trying to help me.

Has anyone out there been through this before? Does it just take time or am I doomed to carry him around inside of me forever?

Breeney

hi breeny-for starters read my posts under general
questionII "unbelievable story"posted 4/9 and "send a letter or not"-I am in similar predicament-it has been one year since contact with the OMM (it lasted a year,but I think I had feelings for him much longer than I would admit to)-he cut off all contact with me when I exposed our A to a friend of his W-I do see him every few weeks passing by in the car-I think about him every day.My H & I have tried to move forward in our M, it has been difficult,we have been to counseling,and been more open&honest that ever in our 20yr M.It's unfair to him, that I still think of the OM and miss him terribly-if my H knew,he would D me-I don't want that for my kids (8&11)-it
would devastate them.I gave myself completely/emotionally to this OM, and my H knows it/senses it-my H wants that part of me.It's been a year-when does my mind/heart change?Everyone keeps telling me, give it time, you'll see, you'll
have feelings for your H again.I feel like the OM
appeared to move right on with his life-they have taken several trips-I'm jealous but have no right to be-sometimes I wish he would just talk to me-I'm afraid to contact him thinking he would just probably hang up.Why am I letting him have this power over me-it's pathetic.It seems like your'e having some similar thoughts/feelings, respond when you have a moment.

oops-it's claireb. again-my original post with last reply is dated 4/14-gave you incorrect date-
also I've been told (it's not a rule)but that it
takes a good 2 yrs to "get over"A-you were in a pretty lenghty A by most standards-you were emotionally attached-the OM must have filled a void in you that stills feels empty-anyway that's what everyone tells me.

Breeney --
You will get through this. My story is very very similar to yours.

I was also involved in a long term affair with someone who lived far away. And I felt that same "addiction" to him that you are describing.

I also had that slow break and dwindling contact.

I'm here to tell you that it will go away. That compulsion to want to know whats going on with him, the need to stay in contact. It will go away.

Over time, you will come to feel that you made the right choice, and that in reality it would never have worked out for you and OM. You will reach a peacefulness. He's obviously been an important part of your life for a long time, so I am not saying you will forget -- but those compulsive addictive feelings will fade.

I am so thankful now to feel some peace in my life. My involvement with OM brought so much turmoil, drama, heartache and MASSIVE depression to my life.

For something that supposedly made me so "happy" that relationship took far more away from me than I had to give. I'm glad to have survived it.

First of all, it sounds very hopefl for you to have been able to break off such a long A. And that your husband seems to have come so far after what happened. And so quickly.

One hard suggestion is to share your feelings/thoughts of OM with your H. The damage the continued thoughts have is probably much muted or rationalized away by keeping it secret, which sort of perpetuates the feelings.

Yeah, "But, I don't want to hurt him" is probably ringing out, but hey, that one big reason As are kept from spouses in the first place, right?

Bascially, the more you are confronted with the harsh realities of what those feelings lead to (you know, a lot of very bad stuff), the sooner thsoe feelings will change from the romantic ideals described.

That said, it definitely isn't easy to share this kind of stuff, and it may just hurt without helping. But a lot of stuff is like that.

<small>[ April 21, 2003, 11:17 AM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

Thankyou for your replies. Especially the two of you who have been in similiar situations. Two years sounds like a long time yet I want complete recovery more than anything!

The A has hurt me so so much. H knows I'll never fall into the same situation again because he sees first hand just what it has done to me. I also think, that in seeing my suffering, it has helped him to forgive me somewhat sooner.

I wish the OM could see and experience what he and the A did to me. I feel as though I have been emotionally raped. I have survived but I will never be the same. And I worry that the sorrow I have is with me for life. Sometimes I become so angry. There are so many things I know I could do.... soooo many contacts of his that are a phone call away. But I have to remain strong and grounded. What purpose does revenge really serve?
Too much of my self-respect and self-worth have already been destroyed.

I feel I was used as needed and then discarded. And his life goes on without so much as a thought
of me. I hurt so much...still. I'm so tired of hurting. I wish the A have never happened to me....that I was never a part of it or of him.

And now all I want is peace. God has forgiven me,
H has forgiven me..... but I don't know where I stand with forgiving myself. I am pretty much lost, still grieving amd w/much therapy to go.
I don't feel whole.

Thank God I have that H of mine. Lately I just cling to him...mostly because I know that deep down I still have intense feelings for OM that I just can't control...and they frighten me.
I don't understand them.

I have to try to remain positive. But some things I just don't understand. I long for the day when I just have peace.

I make it my goal to become whole and healed....even it it takes two years or better.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life lamenting. It drains me of energy. Sometimes I just need encouragement and a shoulder.

I hate OM for what he has done to me...how he pursued me for his own selfish needs.... how he "caught" me and used me and in a sense, RAPED me...and left scars sooooo deep on my soul. For how he doesn't miss me and for how easily he discarded me.... for what part of myself I compromised in order to be with him.... I hate him for all that the A has done to me.

I hope he pays. And I wish I would have kept my appt for therapy today.... I could have used it.

I think that you are certainly on the right track. You are dealing with reality that you were duped, used and disgarded by the OM. It is excellent that you are angry and disgusted about this.
What I am going to say may sound strange but you may wish to give is a shot: When you are thinking of the OM imagine your husband divorcing you, meeting another women in the future and marrying her and giving her the love that you took for granted. I believe a dose of reality is always a good thing. I know that you were given a second chance so make the most of it because most never get the chance you have so don't blow it again.
Good Luck.

well Breeney, your last reply pretty much sums up
literally how I feel-wow saves me alot of typing-
over the last year I have gone thru anger-revenge-
thought up crazy schemes in the middle of the night to get back at him for "screwing up" my life and family-then I think--he never forced me to meet at all those places (i.e. his boat, fancy hotels, trip out of town, dinners .. .)really the whole time I had the power to say no.I know if he was remotely interested in me he has ways to contact me-he owns a security company and was keeping tabs on me before, (I know a little eerie and controlling)-yes, I occasionally hear "the appearance" of how they're doing-going on trips,
his business continues to thrive,driving around in
a brand new hummer blah,blah,blah.I've been reading the Bible and have been going back to church-also have read some great books-I'll get you some titles/authors later if you're interested-they really helped.Also, since I'm on a roll, I'm dealing with I lost my best friend(his W!),we were very close, spent a lot of time together for 7 yrs-it was definitely not worth losing her and other friends over this man-he'll
never know (or care)the destruction he caused in my life and H.Now that I've vented, let's encourage each other we are strong we can overcome this addiction/attachment-keep going to therapy, talk back with you soon!

Sometimes, a women will develop a relationship with a man in order to form a personal identity of who she is. A woman who defines herself nearly totally within the boundaries of that relationship will lose more than the man's company when the relationship ends. She loses herself. She feels she does not exist. She feels empty and lost without the boundaries of the relationship. Sometimes .... missing the "man" is really NOT what is going on .... she is missing "the woman that the man saw" ..... she is missing herself.

I think I see some of that here.

If there were NO MAN in your life .... wouldn't you still be you!

In an affair .... reality of who you are becomes distorted. Your actions DO define you, as a woman, as a human being.

Thinking, and yearning for this man who has moved on .... is actually a yearning for your authentic self.

My little old opinion!

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pepper:

"A woman who defines herself nearly totally within the boundaries of that relationship will lose more than the man's company when the relationship ends. She loses herself."

Remember what my W said to me last summer when I told her she had to choose? She said "You're asking me to give up half of who I am."

I think you may be right on the money. Too many people build a false sense of their own identity. They think that a R or M makes them "whole" when they wouldn't otherwise be. Worse, they believe that M subjugates their individuality, so they seek personal identity elsewhere.

This also makes it hard for the BS to recover after learning of an A, because they (*I*) unwittingly fell into the same flawed thinking.

-Qfwfq

Of course I have to add my 2 cents.

Pepper you are right. The affair fosters something in the woman whether it is being needed, affection, appreciation, feeling special in some way or whatever. Of course it is fantasy, but when that is taken away, it is felt as missing the OP.

I think I have been in that position and lived it first hand for a while.

Thank goodness I FOUND myOWNself and no longer depend on anyone for my happiness. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ April 21, 2003, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

OMG! last 2 replies--incredible--I think this is hitting the proverbial nail on my oh so thick head-sorry to take up Breeney's space here but. . . also apologize if I offend any BS's here-
this must be part of my problem in not moving on-it's been a year-HELLO, my H is like "come on jump in the pool-forget him, he's scum"-I used to love my time to myself (genuinely like being with
myself)now I hate to be alone (no friends around, kids, H)I go back thinking about him (OMM),this is
so sad, everyone tells me I have so much to offer-
why am I giving mental energy to that OMM?Sorry again Breeney using your thread-great replies, thank you!

I am glad to see all the replies even if the topic
switched over to something I cannot relate to in my situation. (not feeling whole because the OM supposedly formed my identity.)

After giving it some thought, I am most sure this is not the case. My affair lasted a total of 4.5 years and I was very close to the OM. Altho I learned alot from the A, it didn't form my identity. I am very much my own person and always have been.

I miss the OM because I miss his insights, his personality and his perspective on things. And I miss sharing myself with him in that respect. I miss our conversations. They flowed so freely about anything and everything....even when we disagreed. We communicated well. We related and connected with our minds. Because he is 1,000 miles away, all we had was 'talking' the majority of the time. We grew very close. I miss him for the way he was and how I felt he enriched my life with our conversations. Furthermmore, I regret so much that we had to become romantic and that we couldn't just go on enriching one another's lives with our sharing of thoughts.

But, with that said, and *Because* I opened to my H about that, I will add that my H is now making a greater effort to fulfill that need. Of course my H is a different person with a different intellect..but i love him none-the-less. Sometimes I wish he would read more and open himself up more to the world and all its wonder, but I love him just the same. And if intellect is what I crave, I know there are other means of fulfillment.

But *that* is why I most miss OM for those of you who don't quite understand.

Great post pepper!

Breeney... don't dismiss the possibility that pepper may be at least partly correct. It realy does sound like the OM was filling a void in your life. What you feel now is the emptiness of not having that void filled by someone else. The feeling will go away when you can learn to fill it yourself... when you are complete and whole as a person.

Also, you are probably still in withdrawl. This is a phsyicial condition as much as it is an emotional one. When people become enfatuated their brains become flooded with a chemical cocktail that creates an emotional "High".

Science of Love:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Brain Love Cocktails
Love buzz is just a chemical reaction. Professor Robert Friar, of Ferris State University in Michigan, explains:
"Falling in love involves Phenylethylamine or PEA, which causes a person to be less likely to be aware of the faults of the other person."

"PEA gives us that euphoric high. That feel good. Everything is wonderful. This person can do no wrong. We`ve often times seen people who fall in love with somebody and ask `are you blind?` Well, yes they really are blind. And almost no one can tell them at that stage of the game because Phenylethylamine is pouring out in large quantities."

"And of course we can`t sustain that level of Phenylethylamine for a long period of time, so it begins to drop after a couple years. As it slowly drops off it gets to the point at about four or five years that it actually becomes ineffective after that."

When we meet someone to whom we are sexually attracted, our bodies respond by releasing neurochemicals that can leave us sputtering, incoherent and breathless. Our body is a huge cocktail, a mix of chemicals that speed up our heart rate, give us sweaty palms, make our cheeks flush and turn us into lovesick fools.

The chemicals responsible for love are all originally released in the brain and have an effect throughout the whole body. The base spirit is the PEA, and as it is more commonly known, the `love chemical.`

Many people crave chocolate when they have disappointments in their love life and it may be no coincidence that chocolate contains stimulant chemicals that are similar to PEA. PEA is mixed together with differing amounts of other chemicals called dopamine, norapinephrine, and serotonin to give us that huge `love buzz.` </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The bottom line is that you are in a withdrawal not much different than withdrawing from heroin or extacy (which have a similar chemical effect). Different people naturally produce different levels of PEA and are thus, more vulnerable ot this effect. If you recall once being madly in love with your H, then you are probably on the higher end of the scale. It will naturally take longer for the chemical effect to wear off for you. Especiallly if you keep triggering the enfatuation (and production of PEA) by thinking about the OM.

So, don't blame your OM... blame God. He created you to have this type of chemical reaction in order for you to fall "in love" with your H in the first place. The problem is that after about 4 years of marriage our enfatuation with our spouse wears off and we reach a state of chemical balance. This balance will remain until we allow ourselves to get involved with another person, become enfatuated and trigger the process all over again.

This is a major contributor to affairs and the break up of marriages. All it takes is to make the mistake of assuming that a subtle friendship with someone of the opposite sex couldn't possibly be harmful.... once that friendship becomes enfatuation, look out!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, don't blame your OM... blame God. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't wish to turn this thread into a religious flame war but I strongly disagree with this statement because not only does it justify not taking personal responsability, it unfairly blames the one being that has warned us repeatedly not to committ adultery.

Yes men's and women's bodies (and brains) are strongly biochemically wired for uniting, BUT we (unlike the other non sentient species on this planet) ARE NOT biological robots unable to resist our basic programming.

Thankyou all very much for your posts. I can see that posting here could be beneficial to my recovery. I want recovery more than anything!

I am dealing w/so much anger. I have expressed this to H. I want the OM to know what he and this A have done to me. I want him to have to live with the knowledge. I know it takes two...but in the beginning he pursued me- regardless of the circumstances. I was vulnerable...I fought it but then inevitably became trapped in his web...
I hate the part of me that allowed it to happen and I hate him for not leaving me alone when he KNEW I was M'd.

I think it made it better for him that I was M'd...because he was trapped in a miserable M and due to financial concerns, couldn't leave his W.
and because I was committed to someone else, he knew I couldn't pressure him. (HE himself once brought this to my attn)

I was so *perfect* for what he needed at the time. And now I am left feeling so angry for the wounds that will never heal... I was robbed of something I can't get back... I can't even define that "something" but as I have said before, I feel emotionally raped and not whole. I don't feel whole anymore for what the A took away from me. I compromised a part of myself.

Getting over this would be my one last hurdle. I wish he knew what he and this has done to me.

He may or may not ever "know" what he did to you-or what you went along with-does it really matter
right now?You have made your choice to work on your marriage---I don't get it, how did this A get
exposed-did he OM want nothing to do with you once you told on him?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by breeney3:
<strong>I wish he knew what he and this has done to me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God knows... the dignity and self respect you lost isn't between you and the OM. It is between you and God. Getting it back is about what you do now, not what you did in the past.

It's OK to hate what you did.. and the part of you that allowed it to happen. At least for a while. Just don't forget to forgive when you are finished hating. That is all that God asks of us. When you can accept your affair was part of "growing up" and embrace the lessons it taught you, I think your dignity and respect will be back.

COFFEEMAN... thanks for pointing out how those words out of context can be peceived in an offensive way. My appologies if your were offended. It was indeed a poor choice of words.

I think Pepperband is right on target.....having an affair has a lot to do with self esteem, especially for women. But, when it is over, the opposite happens---you lose a lot of self respect!

breeny3, I feel for you. I am still in a state of withdrawal myself. I 'hear' about the OM from people I work with--he is dating one of my friends. In fact, I think it is getting serious between the two of them, and it hurts! I am the one who encouraged him to call her....I thought that when he started seeing someone else, my feelings for him would fade quickly. Not true...I have come to realize I didn't fall for him overnight, and won't get over him overnight either.

I ended the affair, and I know he has the right to move on...but it does seem like he is getting right on with his life, while I'm left with lots of emotional baggage. I have come to realize that is one of the prices I will have to pay for my actions. I can't believe I ever entered into the relationship thinking I would be able to handle it emotionally, and spiritually!

I too am tormented by thoughts of him (although they are getting less intense) ....I hope they will finally fade. As long as I'm busy with projects and such, I do pretty good. Today has been a pretty rough day because my friend that he is dating came to see me yesterday, and all she did was talk about him. Being back at work today and having a computer so easily accessable is a big trigger to me. Good luck in your recovery, Diane