I am feeling brow beaten and frustrated. WH has gone on holiday, and is in contact via text message.

I texted him "just remember who you are". He didn't understand and asked for clarification. So I replied with"live your own life, make your own decisions, don't follow someone else's script"

Hostile reaction read: "I resent the fact you think I am some idiot who follows others ... I am not a follower ... not following some one else's script .... if you think otherwise you obviously never really knew me"

I replied: "big misunderstanding - you are not an idiot, and I know you better than anyone else, your harsh words are saddening"

WH replied: "Don't back away from your opinion now. If you wish to understand what has happened, dig deeper"

My reply: "Bring it on" (was this a LBer?)

WH: "I have had quite enough of this for the week - goodnight"

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Everything just keeps messing up. He really hates me. I do think he is following someone else's script. The hostility is making me so utterly sad and I feel so very, very far from him. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

ClaireL..I just wanted to post and tell you that I understand completely your frustration. I feel that everything in my life just keeps getting more and more messed up. I don't have any tremendous advice like a lot of others do here as I'm currently walking through the fire. I don't know your story but in my situation I find that right now if I see or talk to my WS, I just get more frustrated and angry! The best thing you can do for yourself is not contact him by any means right now to avoid any more ugly confrontations.

Do you have kids involved? If you can avoid talking to him, you might be able to think more clearly and he won't be able to push your buttons. I know what you mean when you say you think he hates you. You feel so helpless and full of grief. My WS is so incredibly hostile towards me and I feel he hates me more than he has hated anyone or anything before.

One thing I know for sure is that he is hurting as much as you are. He may not be responding the way you would like him to but that doesn't mean he isn't sad and just as miserable as you. Pull back. Work on getting yourself under control. And after reading hundreds of other posts I can see that I am completely normal given the current situation...you are too! So many have walked ahead of you and when you see where they are now, they are doing just fine. That is my goal. Take care.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ClaireL:
<strong>
I texted him "just remember who you are". He didn't understand and asked for clarification. So I replied with"live your own life, make your own decisions, don't follow someone else's script"

:</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Claire, it is usually a love buster to try and educate or correct your spouse. That is how I would have taken your remark and you can see that is how he took it. He interpreted your comments in the way you intended, that he was following someone elses script. Accusing him of being a gullible follower is a lovebuster and you got a pretty predictable response.

I would suggest avoiding any comments that could be perceived as trying to educate or correct him, lest it set him off. In the meantime, you might apologize to him and try to set it right.

Thanks for pointing out that I was infact LB-ing. I am probably doing it much of the time, despite my best intentions.

We are at very different points in this situation.

How on earth do I just stand by and watch? I know he is hurt and suffering. Aren't we both??? I'm not sure how much of this rejection and hostility I can put up with. It's breaking my will, not to mention my heart.

If I may, you aren't just "standing by and watching"

You are standing by, watching and LBing.

I'm not sure if I've ever heard "Bring it on" as being anything except a confrontational challenge phrase.

It may help to stop thinking, "He's following someone else's script". It almost seems like there is this Red Button labelled "Push Husband Away" and you just keep pressing it.

"I know you better than anyone else". Including himself? Another dangerous phrase to say. Basically every response had red flags flying.

Phrases that can be interpreted, "No, you're wrong" are probably something to avoid also. Instead of defending yourself, try reflecting back (ask if you need more info on that) what he is saying. It will probably feel really awkward, but it's probably better than getting defensive.

If I were your H, I'd definitely feel like I wasn't being heard/understood after that last exchange.

Like I said on my other reply on the other thread, I know this doesn't feel very supportive. I feel pretty bad that I'm adding to your brow beaten feeling, but it seemed kind dangerous for this LB-cycle I commented on to keep on going.

<small>[ April 23, 2003, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

Okay, I'm starting to get it. How can I undo the damage from ignorant LB-ing? Or can't I?

I already apologised (via text msg) for insulting and upsetting him.

I really didn't know that this was LB-ing. (Except for the "bring it on").

This WH has really and truly trashed me - I am beginning to feel that it's a waste of time. Let us both go our own separate ways. Is this normal? Should I be feeling like giving up? It really seems so much better just to let him go.

Claire, you are frustrated because you keep making the same mistakes over and over again but expect a different result. Try something different for a while and see if you get a different response.

For example, stop lovebusting him and start practicing Plan A. You can't change him, but you can change yourself. Start a program of ATTRACTION by ceasing all lovebusters and meeting his needs where you can. Work on changing yourself. Often just a positive change of attitude towards your spouse can have an immediate impact on their response to you.

I have just finished reading a book about the dynamics of separation called "Uncoupling" by Diane Vaughan. It was sad to read because it was all about our marriage. I now understand so much more. I have been LB-ing since before we got married and it is a wonder that my H toughed it out for so long. I think that he decided in his heart more than a year ago (the signs were there) to go. The A was probably the result of trying out a single life, or perhaps it served to be the final blow. My H has said repeatedly that it was the final nail in the coffin.

When we married, I wasn't in love with him, and I didn't fall in love until about 3 years after the wedding. I was getting over someone else - who had killed himself after I ended the relationship. I was the person who was always trying to leave for the first 3 years, and it was my H who loved me into accepting that I was married. Then I fell in love with him, but he had tired of all of the $%^# and his love died, so he set about saving himself.

I haven't yet discussed this with him, but I feel pretty sure that this is the root of the problem. The A is just a distraction.

Does anyone think that this is a saveable situation?