I was really taken by a thread by breeney3 just the other day.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am dealing w/so much anger. I have expressed this to H. I want the OM to know what he and this A have done to me. I want him to have to live with the knowledge. I know it takes two...but in the beginning he pursued me- regardless of the circumstances. I was vulnerable...I fought it but then inevitably became trapped in his web...
I hate the part of me that allowed it to happen and I hate him for not leaving me alone when he KNEW I was M'd. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">breeney your words were almost verbatim to what my wife said on several occassions. I think the only sentence extra she said was how persistant he was.

My question is this......

As adult woman are men so intimidating that they sometimes impose their will on you?

And I am not referring to just affairs or sexual contact. I have seen just as many betrayed spouses post on how their husbands intimidate or control them too.

I want to know for several reasons.

First of all the most obvious one are there certain men that can do the above and if so how can I protect myself, my wife and our marriage against this happening in the future.

Secondly I am the proud father of a precious 9 year old daughter...rapidly becoming the concerned/paranoid father of a little girl showing signs of becoming a little woman.

Her mother was victim of acquaintence rape at 14 & an abusive teenage boyfriend so I want to make sure she doesn't suffer the same ever.

And I worry about her passive personality and her strong need to be loved. She is the type that would give you the shirt off her back just want to make sure some boy doesn't ask for the pants too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Very soft hearted as well.

So what do you say ladies are some us men that intimidating that you yield to them?

<small>[ April 23, 2003, 08:17 AM: Message edited by: stunned-dad ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So what do you say ladies are some us men that intimidating that you yield to them? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not at all for me.

I am actually in "real life" somewhat reserved and introverted to a degree. Not the same as passive. But, I am also the "give you the shirt off of my back" type person. If I feel I can help or make your day better, I want to and try to do just that.

However, I have had people tell me that until they got to know me, that had an entirely different idea of what I was like. Maybe I came across as cool or even snobbish. After I get to know someone they describe me as fun and hilarious.

I think hubby was so accustomed to me, he didn't notice anymore, or just took it for granted. We had gone to our separate lives to a degree.

For me it was the connection that formed with the OM. It was the breaking down of my "reservation" and the bond friendship that formed. It was enjoying talking to someone and discovering that they wanted to know more about me.

I believe that anger that comes afterwards is not because of intimidation, but because of guilt. Wishing we had made different choices. Much of the anger is directed at ourselves, but of couse we want the OP to take his share of the blame too.

Thankfully, after much hard work, I am able to achieve that type of closeness again with hubby. There are nights that we lie in bed and just talk and laugh.

The A was not at all about intimidation for me! And I am not intimidated by adult men...just ask my boss. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (I now work with an entire staff of ministers....about 12 men!)

Susan

<small>[ April 23, 2003, 08:29 AM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

]My question is this......[/b]

As adult woman are men so intimidating that they sometimes impose their will on you?

No. I don't think so, altho I am very much the personality type that you described and I was molested by an older brother at age 9...and the correlation between how I feel about *that* event and how I feel about the A is similiar....in that I could have/should have said no -but didn't. I tried, I did... but.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I'll add that ironically these 2 men with whom took such a part of me share the same b-day.

years of an eating disorder followed by an A.
yes, therapy now...and yes I *do* hold myself accountable, despite how I must seem.

I feel SO MUCH anger because the OM pursued me in the beginning, full well knowing I was M. He told me he loved me long before I felt the same. I tried to back away and for a short while was successful...but I always went back to communicating with him. I eventually became addicted to something that my will seemed no match for. It was too much for me to be able to fight. I was in over my head.

Thank God it is over. Now I just have to pick up the pieces and deal. And I am. H is. WE are.

We are survivors.

I totally agree with Susan-in my A situation I was feeling sorry for myself/vulnerable whatever and was flattered that this strong/dominant successful man had feelings for me.Now, 1yr later
I view him as a user trying to get what he wanted
and then discarded me when exposed. StunnedDad,
you seem like you have a good character/integrity
your'e raising your daughter to be strong and to
like herself--keep doing the work it takes to raise a good person.

Breeney3--you said "I was is over my head" YES,I
felt the same way-I'm smart,funny, attractive,however that man that "ensared" was way ahead of me, very streetwise, knew all the right things to say, totally played on my emotions,wouldn't let up until I became addicted-
I still feel withdrawal and am triggered by memories,events,places-it's a horrible place to be in your mind-I try and stay focused on my family,business,friends,God anything keep me from
feeling a could have been "taken cared for"--it's
fantasy-noone "takes care of" anybody everyone is
fallible(spelling?)-Breeney. . .go have a fantastic day--I think your'e going to be great!!

breeney by the way I hope you don't mind but I showed my wife your post. She was visibly shaken but also took great joy in knowing that she was not alone in feeling the way she felt. In her case she was relieved to be free of him as she had wanted to break things of several times but lacked the strength/social skills or whatever needed to do it. So I didn't have to compete against any withdrawal or longing on her part. I did recall when she was still trying to maintain that they were just friends...or when she said they had only been together that one trip in late 2002 (can't remember which)..her saying the only thing she missed about the OM was the fact that they truly were friends and he was her sounding board. I asked her again last night after she read your thread if she recalled saying that. She said yes but it never was true as she was just saying that in order to try and keep me believing they were just friends.

claire I think sometimes I more niave or perhaps idealistic in that I tend to see the good in people until they show me there bad side. So I am not so sure its character as much as its niavity. But I do try instill in my daughter a sense of self worth.

The tough part is she literally crumbles when daddy lowers his voice and speaks sternly at her. She stays down on herself for messing up so you almost never have to punish her beyond a stern talking to.

In contrast I can beat her kid brother black and blue (just speaking figuratively just in case someone from family services monitors this board <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )and five minutes later he is back to doing the same thing he got in trouble for.

So I worry about my daughter. She is a better practicing christian than her mother and I and often is so blind to games people can play.