Too Long bit me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Naw, I had a basal cell CA removed. it looks cool. Like a pirate scar! LOL! Who cares .... the CA is gone now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SS:

And it's precisely that reason that people like SC are so reluctant 2 DV, unless a way can be come up with 2 DV and remain "friendly" 2 the ex. I find that, for me now, it's crucial that I thoroughly understand my reasons for "wanting" a DV before filing for one. I want as few regrets in years 2 come for whatever decisions I make. DVing is one heckuva decision, 2 be sure, but living with an ongoing A (or even a "friendship") isn't exactly conducive 2 mental health, either.

The pain is subsiding, though. Hope it stays "subsidden." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-ol' 2long

Space, 2L

There's so much enlightenment going on in your threads I called my local Zen Master and told him I would no longer be in need of his services <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

2L: Sounds like a great book. I have to get it.

Space: When all appears lost & there's no hope left in sight, just remember one thing, you're probably right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (Sorry - I'm in a playful mood today!)

Actually, try this short mantra to alleviate frustration and anger:

@#%*+!! %&#@*+!! ^&%#$*+=!! and @$^&%$*+!!!!!

Repeat as needed......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Seriously, I know this is painful but I trust that you are going on a wonderful adventure of self-discovery. You gave your love, your understanding, your patience and perseverence, your forgiveness and all else that you could possibly give to another person. It can never be said that you didn't try.

Though the seas become stormy, keep your eyes on the horizon and enjoy the journey! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ May 13, 2003, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]</small>

Blind S:

"2L: Sounds like a great book. I have to get it."

What's most amazing 2 me is just how simple the concepts are. Even better is that applying them is no more difficult than we want 2 make it. So, unlike much of what JL advises we do, this is something that is BOTH simple AND easy!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
-ol' 2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>Too Long bit me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Naw, I had a basal cell CA removed. it looks cool. Like a pirate scar! LOL! Who cares .... the CA is gone now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I have NO IDEA what you're talking about, but since you say it's good...it's good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Repeat after me: "Om Mani Padme Hum", "Om Mani Padme Hum"...now keep going, you only have 200 minutes more to go... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Actually, we have a great recording of it HERE.

Life is good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SC:

"Repeat after me: "Om Mani Padme Hum", "Om Mani Padme Hum"...now keep going, you only have 200 minutes more to go... "

Um... ...was that from "Attack of the Clones?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-ol' 2long

"Attack of the clones", huh?...well, it DOES have something to do with intergalactic travel! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

2long, my secretary is reading that book. As soon as I finish the other 5 books that are on my shelf of things to read at home, I'm going to delve in to that one. Sounds like a good one!

As you know, I gave D the DV docs to read and sign, and I knew she'd porbably get uptight about that, which she did, and we were ok...I was prepared and not expecting anything different. Then last night, she gets a call from our ex-SIL (I guess that needs explaining; she's my BIL's ex, whom we love since we spent many years together. BIL and she were like D's parents when we got married; she lived with them, they arranged the wedding, etc. etc. and we've never really lost touch.)

She is the ONLY person I ever told about D's first A back then when it happened, and just a few days ago she called me after a long time, and I told her we were divorcing, and told her about D's R with OM...

Well, the eternal debate resurfaces, it seems, since after that call last night, D's just been "*****y" and very distant. D feels that I should not tell anyone about her A, and I've felt that IF necessary when people REALLY ask about the DV, I would tell them...well, SIL's like a sister, and she knows me very well, ...heck, I don't think I have to explain all this.

I guess the question is this; am I supposed to help her keep this secret? Am I expected to NOT tell anyone why we ended up divorcing? What's up with this? Am I wrong in thinking that I shouldn't "protect" her "reputation"? Am I wrong in believing that people might get other ideas if I DON'T tell them?

Help here...please...I'm very uncomfortable with this and hate for this to mark the start of another downward spiral for the R, which we've managed to keep pretty nice and civil.

Hey Spaceguy!

Can you say enabling? To me that is what you would be doing if you kept her secret. If she is so proud of her relationship with OM - proud enough that she is willing to let her marriage end over it - she should be proud enough to have others know about it. When WH yells at me for having told people about OW, I always respond that if she were truly worthy of his love and his relationship were so ideal, he would be proud to have others know about her. I see nothing wrong with your having told exSIL about D's A. In fact, if she challenges you on it again you might want to try what I have done with WH.....

One additional thought - If she doesn't want you telling anyone, especially family, it is because she is ashamed and knows what she is doing is wrong. Maybe you should suggest that to her and when she denies it, ask her why she doesn't want them to know, then.

Regards,
BB

<small>[ May 14, 2003, 11:47 AM: Message edited by: Brit's Brat ]</small>

Thanks, BB.

Yes, logic WOULD dicate that, but then again, when has there been ANY logic to all of this!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

agree with BB
family have definately a right to know.
N

This one explains it well.
Mthrrhbard on Plan A and natural consequences

I know you are past much of what is discussed, but don't try and take her consequences for her, or shield her from them.

I vote to tell people the truth when they ask. I also vote to tell her what you will say, and why you will say it. ( in a nice way.) There is a very good chance she will get very, very angry. I have a good line for that too. " did you think you could do anyting you want, and never have any kind of consequences?" I'm sorry, but now that everything is over, I'm not going to cover for you any longer."

We need consenquences to learn. Let her learn.

SS

SC,

I do think you are compelled to be honest about this. You are not part of her conspiracy. However, I don't think just acquaintences should be told, it really isn't important and it only tarnishes her name. Family, and very close friends are a different matter. Why? because as in the case of your exSIL, she has and had an investment in your lives. She asked and you answered.

So I guess my answer is a definite MAYBE. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> No need to hire skywriters to post her behavior all over that part of Tx. But, there is no need to lie to cover up for her behavior to family and old family friends, IF THEY ASK.

Even here I guess I would, if it were me, state "we are divorcing because D made other choices." This answer suggests it wasn't your idea, that something is up, and would dissuade most people from inquiring further. But, if they know you two well enough then they may follow up or you may feel compelled to explain, which is where I do think honesty comes into play.

She has made a bad decision,and she is responsible for it. You are not responsible to lie for her, but by the same token not everyone needs to know.

That is my confusing and middle of the road response.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL, and your post is a good opportunity to clarify. I AM NOT telling the whole world, (as I once did <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ), but with close firneds and family, it's another story.
Besides the fact that they won't just accept "Oh, it just didn't work out" as the reason a 22-year marriage is ending, we come from a culture and family that is FAR closer and far more in touch about intimate details than perhaps most of us are here in the US. I mean my close friends will just say outright, "ok, stop the bull****!, what REALLY happened!?!?!?", and clearly one cannot explain away the end of a 22-year marriage with a wave of the hand...
And just to be clear. I am not in the least bit interested in either hurting her or her reputation, and the few people I've told are all people she also talks to, and many of them had heard, from her, that "things aren't going well", but NEVER any mention of another R. And those who knew or found out about the R she had (has?), she always told them it was over...when it wasn't...

SC,

I hope I didn't imply that I thought you were telling everyone. I was not my intention. I think I was just confirming that the need for details is on a "need to know basis" and only you can detemine that. But, lying to cover up what D has done, is not the answer, as you already know.

So I suspect I am just confirming what you have already planned to do and are doing. I sure wish this had turned out differently, but I know you made a heroic effort to safe it. There is nothing left to do.

God Bless,

JL

Indeed, JL. My thinking exactly, and no I didn't think you implied I was telling everyone; I just thought I'd clear that up in case others may think that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
A sad thing it will be to see her start living with her choices. A sad thing indeed...and my children will learn a bitter lesson by proxy, I'm afraid.

Hey Cadet,

Sounds like your W is speaking a bit of fogese here. Telling you NOT to tell?

So the natural fogese response..... "I didn't tell so-so, the already knew. Did you tell them?"

Believe it or not, that is what I used on the WS. I sooo much wanted his gray cells to work and not die so whenever he would task me with enabling his A, I'd let him know that it just drives myself and others to do just the opposite.

Boy that sure frustrates the WS'.

L.

Orchid...

ol' 2long's gotta 'fess out: You made me laugh!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
♥2long