Orchid, I love you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think she may just slap me if I try that, but it'll be worth it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I've been thinking about you today, no real reason probably. I know you have worked through most of this stuff, you know with your head, but your heart still wishes.

Just wanted you to know I care today too.

SS

Haven't been around much lately, too much going on! Thought I'd pass on an update.

Our divorce will be final this Friday, 6/20. The Final Hearing was set for then. Funny thing is she said she wants to attend! She has not been involved AT ALL in the divorce process up to now, except to sign papers, and ask me questions. I'm not sure I want to do that...thoughts on this?

Another odd thing; she doesn't want to change her name back to her maiden name! I know there are valid reasons for a professional woman who has used her married name for many years (22) to want to keep that name. But still, would a woman who wants a divorce, or wants to run off with another man NOT change her married name regardless? (I mean she TOLD the OM that we were divorced; or at least he called me "your ex" in a letter to her in February.)
Thoughts on this, ladies?

I'm almost completely moved into my apartment now (delays, delays, delays...mostly $$$), and I expect to completely finish moving this coming weekend.

It's odd, but I almost feel like I am thankful to my W for all of this. Apart from the pangs of regret at not having been able to work this out, there are many great things that have come into my life "because" of this, and I've learned so much, grown so much, and have found such happiness in other things, my spiritual life...my changed view of the world, relationships, women...many things are very, very good. Many things that clearly were "wrong" with me have changed, improved...there are many reasons not to be angry, hurt, resentful...many reasons to be thankful that this has happened.

All my love!

SC-

I was feeling the same way about my experinces too. I think that recognizing your growth is a big part of recovery.

In an email to a friend recently I talked about how hard it is when you aren't really aware of things. Most people blame themselves for their shortcomings during their relationships, but they fail to see that they did the best that they could with what they had. It's easy to say, if I could have done this knowing what I do today.

Essentially, it's not until you are ripped out of your fantasy world and are made to "see" something for what it is, that you start to grow. Was it Plato that talked about people living in the cave and being pulled into awareness? They go kicking and screaming to return to the comfort of that cave because it is all they knew. Regardless of what the potential can be, they fight with all their might to stay "stuck". They blame the person pulling them, but never bother to see that this person was actually liberating them...

I think that you have been ripped from your cave and are now on your path to your purpose. Instead of fighting, you have opened yourself to the beauty that your new life has to offer...

I commend you for your spiritual growth and I pray that I can follow in your footsteps.

Congratulations and God Bless.

Spacecase - I am thinking that she probably didn't go back to her maiden name for a number of reasons - Did she have her married name longer than her maiden name?
She might not want a different name than the kids??

Or she might just not want to go through the hassle of changing everything...
But I wouldn't put to much thought into it - you sound like you are handling everything quite well and adjusting to your new life - Good luck..

Spacecase:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">... there are many great things that have come into my life "because" of this, and I've learned so much, grown so much, and have found such happiness in other things, my spiritual life...my changed view of the world, relationships, women...many things are very, very good. Many things that clearly were "wrong" with me have changed, improved...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A poster child for Surviving An Affair! You know, you did this stuff pretty much by the book, and you can see the benefits that you're reaping coming out the other side---even though you haven't made it with your marriage intact.

Best wishes!

Hi Spacecase,

Btw, I changed my sn--I used to be YetAgain.

I'm not a "professional" woman but, like your W, I will be keeping my married name (M 23 yrs, appt tomorrow to start D).

About your W wanting to go the the last court date--maybe she needs to do this for reasons similar to the reasons some people need to attend a funeral. She is coming to the conclusion of your marriage from a different place than you are Space. I think it is similar to dealing with a long illness that could either be recovered from or be terminal. You sought "treatment" that would give the best chance for recovery (while your W stayed in denial for a long time that the marriage was "ill"). When all "treatment" options were rejected and/or failed, it became apparent to you (not necessarily to your W) that it was probably a "terminal" condition. You set about doing what equates to the "hospice" part of the process (and it doesn't seem that your W did this or even believed that the end would one day come). Space, I think you showed love, class, character, and many other wonderful aspects of yourself during the "hospice" time--while still hoping for and being open to a "miracle" happening. The "hospice" time is now coming to a close and Friday will be the end. You are prepared as much as anyone can be, but for your W I think it will more like a "sudden" death than an "expected" death.

I also think that your love, class, character, and everything else you are will shine through on Friday, for both of you.

Take care Space--I'll say a prayer for you

Hi Space!

I totally relate to being thankful!!!!! Its like, you can't explain it until your already there.

About the last name... I kept my ex's last name. One reason is so the kids will have the same last name as me. I also am not angry at my x so I don't see the point in changing it. I wasn't too crazy about my maiden name anyway.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Spacecase:
<strong>Orchid, I love you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think she may just slap me if I try that, but it'll be worth it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey Cadet,

I didnt' see this response until today.... sorry for being soo far behind the times. Do any babbling lately?!?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

How are you doing? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Aloha bro', Luv ya 2!
L.

SC,

You have done a masterful job. It also sounds as if your life is starting to get going in the good directions. I sure do hope so. I know the 20th will be hard for you, but I suspect you are more prepared for this to happen than W. I have this feeling that the D isn't going to be all that she really thought it would be.

How are the kids handling things. I am sure they are getting ready to be seniors next year. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But, I know this stuff is very hard on them.

Take care SC and keep in touch.

God Bless,

JL

Space,
Don't leave us yet. People like me want to know what you've done to make this transition to your new life so smooth. I know you've mentioned a book, and for the life of me I can't remember the name of it. I guess I am now at a point where I know I must get better, or stay bitter and stagnant.
I feel stuck right now...I want to grow, and do better, I really do. I want to let go of harmful feelings, but they keep coming up. I want to be okay with the fact that X has a new life without me and the kids.
Any suggestions you have would be great. I am ready for the healing.

Kk

Hi Space, good to see you, you really do sound great for someone who is facing a divorce this week. As far as the name, after you have a name for a few years, it just becomes part of you. When I got my last divorce I hung onto my married name because I was used to it, and because that is my kids' name. My maiden name just seemed so foreign to me after 19 years!

Take care, Space!

To answer everyone's question, I'm not doing as well as I thought I was. Maybe it's just today, but I think this whole thing coming to an end is creating a sense of doubt and anxiety. There's been quite a bit of stress around packing, splitting our things up, moving...and the sense that the day we all dreaded is finally here.

I told her she could come to the court if she wishes, and I can't stop her, of course, but I'm sure it'll be an uncomfortable situation for both of us. And me being as emotional as I am...oh, well...

The kids...the kids "seem" to be doing ok, but I'm worried about them. S is definitely upset; he's been very, very short, disrespectful, and a general pain in the read-end. I'm being as patient as I can be, and D's just getting pissed at him.
J is going to Israel for 6 weeks or so, so she's just plain excited, ready to go, and seems to be ok. She IS worried about me, and she's told me so. Even said she had a dream that I was very, very ill, and to please go to the doctor! This is her final trip with all her camp friends with whom she's shared many summers. Kind of like "camp graduation"...so I've just been happy she is able to go, and hope it'll keep her going for a while. We'll take care of her when she returns.
J is back home for the summer from college, and he's working. Overall, he's doing the best, I think. He knows all about this, has thought it over, and feels I should have divorced a long time ago! Quite a character he's turned into!

I'm just taking it one day at a time, not planning very far ahead, and will try to be ready for and/or handle whatever comes my way. It's hard to protect and take care of the kids when it also feels like I'm barely hanging on just for myself. But I know I'll be fine, and they will be too. I'll make sure of that!

Thanks for everyone's support!

Namaste!

KK; I'm not going anywhere...just don't get back here as often as I should! But I will be back when I'm a bit better myself...these days seem too hard to get through!

I'm not sure what book you're talking about, as I've mentioned dozens. But my suggestion for anyone already familiar with the Harley material is "Radical Forgiveness" by Colin Tipping. For me, that was the ABSOLUTE turning point from pain, anger and resentment to peace.

SC:

Good 2 hear from you again. I've been away, as you know, for a few days out of state with my W. She's still there for another 2ple of days, then we're all going 2 FL for... ...well, we're all going 2 FL for a week!

I got 2 meet the "Seekings" this afternoon for lunch on my way home. Great people! We had a long talk about MB and our own experienes. They gave me some interesting perspectives on my own sitch that gave me something 2 ponder on the way home.

It is truly great having all these wonderful people out here for support. I wish there was time 2 meet them ALL in person!

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Are your ears burning? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Please know that I care very much. Okay?

The journey isn't over by any means.
♥2long

Well SC, it's good to hear from you. I was beginning to wonder what had happened to you and 'ol 2long!

You have an amazingly wonderful, gracious attitude towards all of this that I truly admire. I am also thankful for all that I have learned in the past year, a fair bit of which I learned from MB, you and 2long, and a lot of non-fiction reading too. I just wish I could've had all this knowledge before I made the tragic choice to have an affair, and could've put it to work on making my marriage better.

Interestingly enough, as your Dv becomes final, my H will be getting served with papers. The doubt and anxiety about the finality of starting the Dv process has kept me up at night, but I also feel a sense of peace knowing I'm putting an end to the limbo that my life has become.

Good luck with the final court appearance and the moving, two events that certainly have many emotional implications. I am sure you'll handle it all with grace and kindness as you have everything else.

Take care!

Jen

Hi Spacecase,

You ARE doing well, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I wish it did, especially in your case, but it just doesn't.

Space, thank you so much for sharing so much of your journey with us here. It has helped me immensely in the past, and even more so in the last few months. I don't think I would be getting through this time if it weren't for you and others here sharing so much of their journeys.

Take care Spacecase--may you be comforted in this time of grief

It's so comforting to come back a few hours later and see that old friends and new faces have taken the time to post...

I'm having a rougher time of these moments than I thought I would, and knowing all of you are out there, and have taken a few moments to think about me and offer your support is welcome and lifts some of the pain. The path is difficult at times, but it never ends; it just becomes less painful as we learn. I hate to think what it would be like had I not already learned all I have learned and changed all I have changed.

For that I am grateful!

Cadet,

Now is the time to apply all that you have read and learned. I am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> that this d time has come but I can also see a great weight you have been carrying being lightened from your shoulders. It will go somewhere else and that maybe necessary for all to heal.

Not all help is help, sometimes the best help is not to help. ya know????

I will keep your family in my prayers.... I know this is a hard week for you and your family.

take care,
L.

Soooo sorry space <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Hang in there, the best is yet to come.