my wife just found out that ive been talking (only) to an old flame for the past 1.5 years. she was almost willing to let that go when she starting digging more. ive been going to massage parlors for the last couple of years. she is devistated. she says this is hard because she loves me so much. i want it to work and am willing to do anything to prove myself to her. she doesnt know if she can reconcile and i cant blame her. please help

You're on the right track. You realize the pain you've caused her. You aren't blaming her for what you have done. Look on the message board for "just found out." There is someone who includes a whole lot of resources.

One good thing you can do is realize that an emotional affair can be devastating just like a physical affair and that it can be worse than rape. Don't downplay the seriousness of it to deflect the shame you feel. There are messages on either this board or General Questions II for "is an affair really worse than rape?" The more you are willing to acknowledge the pain you have chosen to cause her, the better recovery will go. One counselor told me it is like a dance -- the more you are willing to be remorseful, the more she will be willing to forgive.

Stupid,
To your wife right now you probably seem like someone she doesn't even know, you've done secret things, not just once, but had a relationship and go to massage parlors without her knowledge. I'm not certain why you kept that from her?

Massage therapy is becoming pretty common, one of my best friends just finished getting certified and I go to her, so does my H, and both my teenagers have as well. Unless you've gotten some extra "services", why hide it?

The best way for you to start proving yourself to your wife is to stop contact with the old girlfriend with a "no contact" letter/email, stating that you want your marriage to work and you will no longer be contacting her.

Then, stop doing the things that are counterproductive to being a good husband, and no more secrets. You need to be honest, trustworthy, take care of her, protect her and negotiate with your wife. She may still choose not to reconcile with your, but if you do these things, you'll have done your best to have made that reconcilation possible. Read more on this site, the 4 Rules of Successful Marriage and Policy of Joint Agreement may be especially helpful.

You can't change what you've already done, you can only control your actions and behavior from this point on.

thaks lor.... the reason i didnt tell her about massages.. is yes there was a extra ...hand release-as its called... point well taken about being trustworthy... i did call it off with old flame. i have told her i want this to work and will change for all the right reasons and for her. the hardest thing right now is living what ive done to her and her not knowing if she can get passed it.i know i can only do what i can to prove it if she will let me.i dont want to prove to hard to fast and overwhelm or screw her head up more. so far we have taken turns being under different roofs but we cant afford to rent and pay mortgage nor continue to be living with freinds.she doesnt think we can live under the same roof even in different areas.i think she may want me to stay away to keep her mind made up to give up on us.help

SH: Click on the link in my signature line

JAZZEYGIRL IT LOOKS LIKE YOU BEEN THROUGH THIS MORE THAN ONCE. WHEN YOU FOUND OUT WERE YOU READY TO LEAVE OR ALWAYS KNEW YOU WANTED IT TO WORK? THATS BEEN THE HARDEST THING FOR ME IS NOT KNOWING HOW SHE FEELS.MAYBE ITS THE WAY SHE WANTS ME TO FEEL RIGHT NOW TO GIVE ME A TASTE OF WHAT SHES DEALING WITH? DONT KNOW AND THATS THE HARDEST

THANKS JAZZEY... THIS FORUM IS REALLY GREAT!!! I KNOW ITS HARD AND I TRY TO KEEP POSITIVE THAT SHE'LL MAKE A GO AT IT. THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT.
SEAN