I am floating this one out here to firm up some things in my mind. I am curious on this one, and really don't know how to think clearly at this point. I want to make sure what I plan to do is rational, rather than purely emotional.

Quick summmary. Wife gets married, cheats after only 3 months of marriage with another mutual friend (who is married) and carries on for a year. Moves out of state on me, and blames everything on me. Tells me over the phone she wants a divorce for sure. I have been going out of my way to be caring for her, and she continues to throw every gesture back in my face, and does not show any care or appreciation for what I am doing.

So now I realize that the little bit of love I have left for her is almost completely gone. I am so hurt by not only the affair, but also her treatment of me since she has left. It is run and hide and pretend it didn't all happen. She actually said to me the other day that 'I have to stop dwelling in the past and should just get over the whole thing'. This is after only 3 months since I found out my whole marriage was based on deceit.

So I have decided to do a modified Plan B. It is important to her that we 'remain friends', and I have had enemies treat me kinder that she is treating me now. I want to basically tell her how I feel about what has happened, and the fact that I can't have ANY kind of relationship with her unless she takes my feelings into account, and shows some understanding for my situation.

So what are people's thoughts on this? Is a Plan B style thing good in this situation, even though it is clear that the M is over? The goal would be to keep myself from hating her, since that is rapidly beginning to happen.

Thanks for your opinions,

Eric

I am a STRONG believer in Marriage Builders.

BUT, in your case, I would cut & run since she, "cheats after only 3 months of marriage with another mutual friend (who is married) and carries on for a year. Moves out of state on me".

Having a marriage history and children together is one thing, but you have neither.

Eric

Your last sentence answers your question. Plan B is about protecting the remaining love you have, or if you love is running dry. It should ideally follow on from a good Plan A, but I guess that was pretty hard for you to achieve as she moved away before you even knew about her A.

I also tend to agree with Chris. It seems incredibly to me that she began her A after only 3 months of M. What was that all about?

Take care of yourself.

Lisa

Just an FYI.
I never did really did Plan B as my wife split & we never had contact. It would have been pretty ridiculous to send her a letter and say don't communicate with me when she hadn't communicated with me for over a year.

Steve Harley did agree with me on this.

The goal would be to keep myself from hating her
With minimal contact, you won't hate her for long. After a time, it just becomes indifference.

I agree that the situation is totally insane. It is statements made by her that 'You drove me into the affair' that make me realize continued contact with her is probably a very bad thing. She claims I was 'an emotional abuser', etc. In reality, none of our fights really started until AFTER the affair was in full swing. Most of those were about the fact that she was gone over %50 percent of the month, and I felt we were drifting apart.

Scaringly enough, she has had an affair on EVERY single one of her previous fiancees (3 of them). I do now realize that this girl has issues, and does not want to face them. This doesn't ease the pain of the whole thing at all. I am still largely destroyed after 3 months. I am tired of being painted as the perpetrator, when I was the victim.

I have done things such as buying her a few well meaning gifts, did all of the taxes for her, etc. to show her I still cared. She threw most of that back in my face and twisted it to be that she was trusting me by me doing all the tax work (after she realized that doing them seperately was going to cost her more money). No thanks, nor appreciation from her shown for all of that effort.

This is why I am leaning towards just cutting off communication. I feel that I made an honest commitment, though, so I still want to leave the door open that if she were really willing to try on things, maybe we could walk out as friends. But that is just me.....

Eric

Eric,
I'm puzzled as to how you would be friends, when she continues to throw every gesture back in my face, and does not show any care or appreciation for what I am doing

have had enemies treat me kinder that she is treating me now

She threw most of that back in my face

I fail to see that there is any aspect of friendship on her part. The only definition she appears to have for "friends" is that you don't cause her any trouble and she doesn't give you any credit for it.

If you want to leave the door open, do so, and be pleasant if she contacts you, but at this point, you don't have to choose whether or not to let her go, she's gone. If her negative behavior escalates when you don't contact her, then you could do an official Plan B with a letter.

What's a modified Plan B?

Basically, a letter telling her that I do not believe there is any hope of remaining friends at this point with the way she is behaving, yet clearly stating the standard stuff about why I must not communicate with her any more. Basically, she 'still wants to be friends', yet shows no remorse for an affair that started after only 3 months of marriage, and acusses me of causing the affair. So basically she is causing me more hurt by trying to be my friend, then if she would just leave me alone. Further, it allows me to say what it would take to remain in communication. Basically, accept responsibility for her actions.

I've already sent it, and got no response. I also contacted a divorce lawyer, since this woman is not ready to be married.

It still hurts so much, but you've got to do what you've got to do....

Eric

Eric,

Ok, I know this is MarriageBuilders. I have been here for years. But let's get something straight. One plan B is NOT for you to tell her to leave you alone. It is part of a plan to get the other person to leave OM/OW and want to work on the marriage, while keeping your love alive.

Now, my friend it seems to me that keeping your love alive for this woman is about the dumbest thing I have heard. You say she has issues? That is like saying Hitler had issues? She had affairs on every man she was engaged to and on you after 3 months of marriage. Hello, this isn't about unmet needs, this isn't about you. THis woman is sick and needs to stay away from men or get help.

I don't understand what you think you are saving. You never had a marriage, you don't have a marriage, and you are indeed legally married to a woman who demonstrably cannot make a commitment. This is not an isolated situation, this isn't a trend, THIS IS A LIFE STYLE. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You would be nuts to try and save this, and frankly you would be nuts to be friends with someone this dangerous to you. Her "issues" are beyond your abilities to fix, and probably beyond most professionals. But only she can find this out if and when she ever realizes she has a problem. A Plan B letter is NOT going to make much difference even if it is not appropriate.

Simply write and say don't contact me again, ever. Go to a lawyer and get this mess over with so that you can indeed lead a good life.

That would be my advice. There are battles one should fight, and there are others you cannot win. I think your situation falls in the later category.

I sorry to be so harsh. I wish it was otherwise and that your situation were different. But, there aren't enough flowers in the world to reach the problems your W has. That is my $0.02.

God Bless,

JL

Just in case you missed all the previous posts...
Why in the world is it important to remain friends with this unbalanced woman? She cannot be faithful. Affairs due to unmet needs are one thing, but I doubt that that is what this is given her history.

Even provided she gets help, which sounds unlikely, it may be years before she can be a real wife.

So, weigh your options.

NOTE TO EVERYONE ELSE: I don't usually post on this board, but please believe me when I say I never tell someone what I just said. This seems such an extreme case.

Seems this may be hopeless......
nr

<small>[ April 27, 2003, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: NurseRose ]</small>

Yes, I now agree with the opinions on this board about this matter. My problem is that I have always had some self esteem issues (which I am now working on), and tend to blame myself for things even though it should be blatantly obvious that it was not my fault. I really cared for her, and loved her, and a broken heart is something that is very hard to overcome. That said, I have now contacted a lawyer and am beginning the process of filing for divorce. I am slowly recovering, but it has been very difficult for me to come to this point.

The point of the letter was to explain that I really did care for her soooo much, yet I don't feel that she ever respected me at all. I wanted her to hear that I can not be her friend unless she changes how she is currently treating me, and truly apologizes for the past. It is very important to her to remain friends with her ex-lovers for some reason. Worse, both of us will continue to be in contact with one another, since we share a community of sorts, and a lot of mutual friends.

All of this has just really done a number on me. I feel so powerless and hurt in all of this. The Plan B style letter was more of a way for me to feel like I have some control in this situation. It has done that, and is helping me to move forward and start some level of recovery. Thank god for anti-depressants as well. I still only sleep 4 hours a night and have nightmares about this whole situation. It is just crazy.

Thank you so much for your supportive letters. They actually do help me see that it was not my fault, etc.

Eric

Eric,

I think you need to consider this whole thing in a far different light. One, you shouldn't be friends with someone who will do to you what she did. THat is NOT a friend, that is a user, and she will always be. She uses her EX's to cover up what she has done, by pretending to be a friend, but I know of no one who would be friends with someone that abused them and their emotions as she has done.

The next thing you really need to do is stop and understand. YOU ARE A GOOD MAN. You have tried, you have loved deeply, and you have been committed. You really need to stop and think about these things. Few men would have done what you have done to save your marriage. You have a lot to be proud of, and you clearly are a very very strong guy. You were strong enough to fight for this marriage for a long time, and you are strong enough to end it when it should be ended. You don't need her, and you don't deserve her in your life. You deserve far better than her in your life.

I am not sure if you sent that letter, but I do think you need to tell her there is no way on God's green earth that you would be friends with someone capable of what she did. You do deserve better my man, you really do. You have done yourself proud, and don't forget it.

God Bless,

JL

"They actually do help me see that it was not my fault." The A was NOT your fault.

I do wish to (gently) comment on something.

"She had an affair on EVERY single one of her previous fiancees (3 of them)"

You have no control or power over your wife, only over your choices. If you made a choice to marry a woman you KNEW had a history of infidelity, you cannot say you were blindsided. Did you learn of the previous infidelities before or after you were married? What kind of pre-marital discussions did you and your wife have that made you feel it was safe to wed her?

Pepper

I found out this information after we were married. I knew of one affair, but it was a really weird situation where she was dating a MUCH older guy in another country, and started a relationship at the same time as she was breaking it off with him. I guess I believed that it was such an unusual relationship doomed to failure, that I understood how it could happen. She also claimed that at the time she was just waiting to break it off with him in person, and couldn't get down there. Not that I agree with her choices there, just that I understood.

Now, hindsight being 20/20, I should have taken it as a huge warning sign.....

Eric