</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Originally posted by kily:
Cerri -
This mught be a dumb question.
What I get from what you've stated is that this HATEFUL reaction is a sign that the PLAN-A is REACHING the WS?
So I'm supposed to understand that when he looks me dead in the eyes with all the hate he can muster and he says:
"I don't love you, I hate you, I NEVER want to be in a relationship with you again, you are ruining my R with her"
That this is what I WANT to happen. THat effectively whatever I was doing was WORKING?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well I wouldn't say that anyone WANTS that to happen!!!
Does it mean it's working? I dunno, what is he saying that in reaction to? Exposing? Confronting? If so, then it's certainly to be expected. And it most likely means that you're making the A uncomfortable, especially if he's saying that you are "ruining his R with her." Yeah, that would be "working." Not pleasant, not fun, but definitely the goal of Plan A, which is to end the A.
What else are you doing, what have you tried, and for how long?
As I said earlier, you have to think of it as an addiction. Almost no one wakes up one day and says "Gee, I'm addicted and it's hurting the people around me. And they've been so good to me, I think I'll quit." Heck no!! They fight and kick and scream, call names and say all manner of hateful things on their way to treatment. It's only when they are substance free and actively recovering that they begin to see that the "tough love" measures... confronting, exposing, separating, were done out of love and were in their best interests overall.
C
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">C-
I actually woke up one day and knew it was just that.
Basically I tried to tell him how I felt, show him that I changed and wanted to work on R. Tried to let my walls down and be who I really am. Became very honest and extremely vulnerable, regardless of my fear and of retaliation from him.
He became ANGRY, VERY ANGRY, Was completely withdrawn and didn't even want to speak to me prior to this.
As far as confrontation, I never did. Instead, I simply allowed him to tell me over time. When I asked about a "R" he gave me the typical "Then I have to give her up" line and the "I don't love you anymore I just care about you bit".
I have tried to maintain the peaceful attitude and up until he moved her into our home, it seemed to be reaching him. Once she moved in, I backed way off, and he has noticed.
He sends me daily emails re: DS and lately they are friendlier. I LB'd and told him I hated him (much to my regret) and since then he has expressed his pain over hearing those words (DS was in the room <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ) and today even expressed some regret abotu incidents in our past.
I'm close to PLAN-B because I hurt when I sit around him and he seems so nice and caring. It leads me to believe that there's a chance and I get angry because it never happens.
I've even considered moving into the house RIGHT ALONG with them to drive her out. He was FURIOUS when I tried that. I left because I felt that I was hurting him by being there.
Not sure what to do anymore.
As far as timeline:
ME: EA 1yr PA 1 1/2 yrs.
Plan-A'ing since August 20th 2002.
Him: R started 1 month prior to my ending A without my knowledge.
Moved in together at 7 month mark.
My stuff is still in the house and wasn't packed up until February...
<small>[ April 25, 2003, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>
