This is the first draft of my modified plan B, last chance letter to my WW. It may be a bit harsh and long but I had a lot to say. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Wife,
I am so sorry it has come to this for us. I want to tell you that I have never done anything since the day I met you to try and hurt you in any way. I love you very much and have tried to show you that the best way I know how. The mistakes I have made in our marriage were done out of ignorance, not to hurt or punish you. I have honestly tried as hard as I could to make you happy. Since you left I have tried to show you that I am willing to put the past behind us and work with you to have a new and happy marriage. I have tried to make you feel comfortable and safe with me so that you could be as confident as possible that you could come back home and not be judged or made to feel guilty. I am and will continue to make myself a better person through this so that I can be the kind of husband you want and deserve. I am far from the perfect person but my heart has always been in the right place when it comes to you and our family.

When I first started looking for answers to what has been going wrong with us I was very surprised by all the help there was on the subject of marriage and how common our problems were. It filled me with a great sense of hope. I have since read about and talked with literally hundreds of couples whose problems were no worse than ours that made the commitment to save their marriages and were now happier than they ever thought they could be. I know that when two people are committed to being in a real partnership with each other that anything is possible. I have been hoping and still am that you will be that person with me. I believe that God puts people together for a reason and it is up to them after that to make sure it works and reach their potential as a couple.

You know that your affair with Brian will have to end completely before we could even start to reconcile our relationship. I know that we can reclaim our feelings of real love and passion for each other if we work together. This can never happen as long as there is a third person in the picture But just as big a problem is the lifestyle you have developed. As I look back over the last few years I can see that you distanced yourself from me and also the kids a long time ago. As you have continued your routine of going to the bar you have let it become a bigger and bigger part of your life. You have developed friendships with people that I have never even met. I know that before you met OM you have pursued others and allowed others to pursue you. I realize that none of this was meant to hurt me; you have been looking for something that me and your life with your family have not been able to give you. This is also something that would have to stop before there would be any hope of us being happy together.

These sound like ultimatums and I know how you feel about such things. They aren't. You have every right to live your life in any way you want. You should do what makes you happy. And if this is the kind of life that you feel happy and content with then you should keep doing it. But there is no doubt that it is not a lifestyle that a person who wants a happy marriage and family can have. Even the strongest marriage would suffer in an environment like that bar sooner or later.

I want to stress to you again that I know there are things I need to do differently also. I am willing and have been making the changes necessary to make our relationship work. I will wait as long as I can for you to decide to join me in making our marriage work, but I don't know how long I will be able to do that. I don't mean that as a threat at all it's just that I know at some point I will have to move on.

I know that you have not agreed with some of my decisions over the last several months and with the separation agreement I have worked out. I'm sorry if it hurts you or makes you feel like I'm trying to get back at you in some way. This is not at all my intention. If I haven't been able to show you that I love you and never want to hurt you by my actions up to this point I don't know what else I can do. But I hope you understand that I have to make decisions based on what I think is best for the kids and me. You chose to walk out on all of us to start a life with someone else. You are still making that choice today. I have to assume until you say otherwise that this is what you are going to do. I have to make my choices based on the assumption that you don't want to be included in our family because that is the decision you have made up to this point. This is the last thing in the world I have wanted for any of us.

It has taken me a long time to get to this point. I think I told you before that I had to be able to look the kids in the eye and be able to tell them that I did the best I could for them. When I found out there were answers to our problems I knew that I would always look back and wonder what might have been if I hadn't at least tried to share what I had learned with you. I feel like I've done the best I could. I hope that whatever you decide to do that you will be able to look back on your life and feel the same way. I of course hope that I am part of your choice, but I love you more than you know and hope that whatever your decision that you have the happiness and contentment that you want and deserve.
With All My Heart, Starman

Looks good, I couldn't find anything objectionable in terms of LB's.

It seems a bit too much of the "I never meant to hurt you" mantra.

The whole paragraph,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These sound like ultimatums and I know how you feel about such things. They aren't. You have every right to live your life in any way you want. You should do what makes you happy. And if this is the kind of life that you feel happy and content with then you should keep doing it. But there is no doubt that it is not a lifestyle that a person who wants a happy marriage and family can have. Even the strongest marriage would suffer in an environment like that bar sooner or later. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">seems like something I could take as my license to be free. Also, the paragraph is full of some horrible lines.

In general there are a lot of sentences that I could interpret badly.

However, I haven't really analyzed Plan B letters and don't even know if mine was that great.

I think I'd rework any line that had the word "know" in it. I have this impression that every time you use it, there's an implication that she need educating.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe that God puts people together for a reason and it is up to them after that to make sure it works and reach their potential as a couple</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You talking about your and W or WS and OM?

Demphasize happiness and other feelings. Feelings are what are guiding her away from you right now.

Anyway, those are some random comments.

Starman -

As the fws, that letter makes me tear up. Why? Because it sounds remarkably like the letter that my H gave to me.

Your letter is well worded. I know it is NOT my place to judge anyone, and that isn't what my intention is - but here's a piece of advice. Your W probably isn't going to react to this letter like you want. I didn't. It was a several weeks later b4 I realized my mistakes and realized that I wanted to come home to my M and my H!

Like I said, I know it isn't my place to judge - but don't be surprised if you get the same reaction from your W. I know my H has replied to your posts b4. He has given you some good advice. If you want, I can show you the letter he sent to me -

I am so sorry it has come to this for you - it is NEVER a good place to be. Things will eventually get better! Just keep that in mind!!!

- Ang -

Starman:

I like the sentiment expressed but I agree with est about overdoing the "I never meant to hurt you" theme. If you repeat it alot it may start to sound accusatory. For example, try reading that this way, emphasizing the pronouns: "I never meant to hurt YOU!" Even though you wrote that you know she never meant to hurt you, it could come across that way between the lines.

And not to put to fine a point on it, but where's the plan in your plan B letter? Now that you've told her why, tell her what's going to happen and give her your terms for returning to the reconciliation process. I'd recommend against making this your penultimate letter. Then you're just warning her that you'll warn her again.

Good luck.

3xL

You know that your affair with Brian will have to end completely
Leave out the "You know" statement. Don't tell her what she knows or how she feels.

As I look back over the last few years I can see that you distanced yourself from me and also the kids a long time ago. As you have continued your routine of going to the bar you have let it become a bigger and bigger part of your life. You have developed friendships with people that I have never even met. I know that before you met OM you have pursued others and allowed others to pursue you.
Disrespectful. Leave it out.

I realize that none of this was meant to hurt me;
How do you realize it? It doesn't matter even if she told you. It is telling her how she feels. Leave it out.

These sound like ultimatums and I know how you feel about such things. They aren't. You have every right to live your life in any way you want. You should do what makes you happy. And if this is the kind of life that you feel happy and content with then you should keep doing it. But there is no doubt that it is not a lifestyle that a person who wants a happy marriage and family can have. Even the strongest marriage would suffer in an environment like that bar sooner or later.
Leave it out.

I will wait as long as I can for you to decide to join me in making our marriage work, but I don't know how long I will be able to do that.
Leave out the last bit.

You chose to walk out on all of us to start a life with someone else. You are still making that choice today. I have to assume until you say otherwise that this is what you are going to do. I have to make my choices based on the assumption that you don't want to be included in our family because that is the decision you have made up to this point. This is the last thing in the world I have wanted for any of us.
Blaming. Leave it out.

I hope that whatever you decide to do that you will be able to look back on your life and feel the same way.
Leave it out.

hope that whatever your decision that you have the happiness and contentment that you want and deserve.
Leave this out. Just make it that you are waiting for her to give you a chance.