For four years, we have had this computer and I have used it for recipes, poetry, news, medical and other useful information. At first, my husband would not touch it. He didn't know how to use it and didn't seem interested. I wanted all 3 of us (my son, my husband and myself)! I mean, if used wisely, it's a great tool. It even eliminated our old encyclopedia's that were taking up alot of room. I finally got him to use it and taugh him how to send email <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . That was it, the rest, well, that was self taught.

In all of that time, I have only been in a chat room once. It was suppose to be for working mothers. To cut this short, I never went back in another chat room after that.

Then there is my husband. I will start with problem 1.
I went to get mail and on the way upstairs, the phone rang and I didn't get to catch it, but the machine did. It was some woman calling from a postal annex saying that a box number we'd requested was in use and we would have to come and pick another. I never requested a p.o. box. I mean, what for? So I asked him and of course he lied. Then a friend told me about a program she used to keep her kids out of chat room, but could monitor their every move on the internet. She loaned it to me and when I pulled up the log, I was HORRIFIED <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> to see that my husband had been writing some 19 year old girl in New York and they were snail mailing by the time I found out. Well, he was confronted and didn't think he did anything wrong. He said it was a joke, but I was definately NOT laughing.

#2-He gets busted again, and on his own. He logged into a messenger but didn't log out so when I go and log in, he has recieved a message from some girl that she was going to call while I was at work.

#3 and this one might even make you all cry. I have Multiple Sclerosis, but two years ago, even with half my body numb, the dumb doctor said it was nothing. So waiting to go to another doctor, I was already scared, depressed and on pins and needles. For kicks, I reinstalled the monitoring program, and what do I find??? He's in waaay too deep and if I had not found what I did, I think the situation would have led to something physical. I saw he was writing some woman in Minnesota, far from us. However, as I read, I saw that she traveled to Grand Rapids (too close to us) often for her job. Well, in the message was her home, work, pager and cell phone numbers. I called her. She revealed that he'd been calling her for months, right around the time I'm walking around not being able to feel anything on my right side. She told me the name he gave her, and she always called him at work, he said he was single. He had been calling her from here and work having phone sex with her. I was livid and so very extreamly upset <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . Again, when confronted, he thought it was funny.

When I was younger and in good health (probably about 10 years ago) we'd watch movies together, now they just disgust me after I'd seen some documentary about that industry. It's all way too fake. Men using this so they can keep it up and no one has a web site advertising how many porno stars have contracted AIDS. I mean, after I learned what was behind the scenes, it's just down right disgusting. And I haven't even gotten into child porno (which my husband does not have any of from what I can see).

I can't handle this emotionally or physically anymore. It's taken a toll on me and I feel like my feelings about this are being ignored. He always says "Get rid of the computer!" but I'm home bound, I don't have any other means of communicating with the outside world. This is how I keep in contact with my friends and family.

Since I have become ill, I have lost all but a couple of friends, no one comes by, no one calls. I have alot of physical issues, but my sexuality is not affected so he can't use that excuse either. I'm not dead, just a little slower than before. He's not affectionate, non communicative and withdrawn and I cannot, for the life of me, get him to tell me what the problem is. Counseling would be nice if he would agree to go, but until then, I came upon this site and I am not done reading. lol. I was happy to see someone say "Porno is crap", but I didn't see anything pertaining to the internet, so that is why I posted. Any suggestions would be more than appreciate.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Fee-Fee

Fee-fee,

You have definitely done a good job of investigating. I commend you for that. Your hubby's actions and nonactions toward you could almost be construed as emotional abuse. I mean, to have him laugh in your face about his obvious indiscretions and for him not to acknowledge what he is missing in your marriage with you, sounds like he is having his cake and eating it too. You definitely need some outside support for this. Please locate a counselor for yourself..if not a social worker or psychologist, then a minister or priest. They may be able to point you in the right direction. Right now for you, it is hard to think straight. Lots of negative thoughts and sadness can do you more harm than good. They will cloud your rational thinking. And given the multiple sclerosis you are being challenged with at this time in your life and marriage, you need all the support you can get. I hope you find it.
Please keep us updated with your situation. I hope your husband will see the light soon.

fee fee hello. I agree you did a great job investigating. I agree that the internet has a dark side and unfortunately many people find that dark part.
I have a few questions for you. why are you house bound? not to be too personal but are you on medication for your ms? will your h go to counseling? if not you should go alone. keep us posted on your situation and good luck.

Hi Fee-Fee,
I'm sorry to hear about your situation but I can relate to it to a degree because the Internet, or our lack of discretion with it, caused lots of problems for my marriage, too. It is an excellent tool and has many useful web sites (like MB), but without some kind of controls to filter out the bad sites, it can be too much of a temptation for people who have sexual addictions, like it sounds your husband has. In our case, I used to be addicted to internet porn and it affected the way I looked and treated my wife. While I was in Internet porn, I treated my wife like she was a piece of meat meant for my satisfaction only. I also hid my usage from her. I shudder when I think back on those days. I regret deeply the hurt I caused her. Having been a Christian most of my adult life, I was so ashamed of my behavior so one day I asked God for ther strength to quit. I quit cold-turkey in March of 2002, and have been treating my wife a lot better ever since, even admitting to her what I did and asking for forgiveness. I never got involved with cybersex or phone sex but spent my time at hard core porn sites. My wife also had a problem involving the Internet. When we got a new computer in April of 2002, she got involved with one of the gaming sites as a diversion from the troubles of daily life. She eventually met another man on the internet and actually got caught up in cybersex and phone sex like your husband did, and she almost left me for one of her internet boyfriends whom she never met face-to-face. We finally yanked out the Internet from our house until we could set proper limits. In the meantime, even though certain things aren't as convenient, we are doing without our internet world (I log on from a public library most of the time). Hopefully we will get internet back some day, but when we do, it will have a filter on it and we will put it out in the middle of a high traffic room so that nothing can be hidden. Sounds to me like your husband is addicted to sex and the Internet makes it a lot easier to fuel his addiction. I would recommend disconnecting your Internet for a while until you get the issue under control in your marriage, or perhaps get a filter that restricts going to certain sites, if that can be done. Good luck and God bless.

<small>[ April 25, 2003, 10:07 AM: Message edited by: pressing_on ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MJ-OH:
<strong>fee fee hello. why are you house bound? not to be too personal but are you on medication for your ms? will your h go to counseling? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am home bound mostly because of the fatigue that comes with the disease. It's awful. My neurologist told me that the fatigue alone could disable a person with MS. Besides pain, it's the top complaint. I'm not like this everyday and I take medicine for that, but you can't take it everyday because the side effects just make you even more ill. I take an injectable interferon every other day for the MS. I am also not allowed to drive because of motor skill and cognitive problems. Basically, I might forget how to get back home or where it is I'm going, or my evasive driving manuvers might not kick in fast enough for me to avoid the inevitable, lol. Sometimes I feel like an old elderly woman and all that is missing are 9 cats <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .
Felicia

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by pressing_on:
<strong>Hi Fee-Fee,
It is an excellent tool and has many useful web sites (like MB), but without some kind of controls to filter out the bad sites, it can be too much of a temptation for people who have sexual addictions, like it sounds your husband has.
I would recommend disconnecting your Internet for a while until you get the issue under control in your marriage, or perhaps get a filter that restricts going to certain sites, if that can be done. Good luck and God bless.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I will be getting the filter because as I said, this is my only link with the outside world. I'm inside for days, sometimes weeks at a time. The phone doesn't ring, no one comes by, it would be to lonely for me just because he won't behave. And I think it would be safer for my son to. He's 8 and loves to look for NASCAR this and Basketball that. My internet monitor doesn't filter, or I don't think it does, so I will be looking on the internet to see what is good. I know a few mommy/parent sites that offer information about filtering programs that I will check. Thank you for your input, it really makes a difference coming from someone with a point of view from the other side. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Fee-Fee,

I can relate to your situation. My husband had affairs over a 2.5 year period with women he met in chat rooms. Most of them stayed cyber/phone. He did meet one for a weekend and had dinner/lunch dates with several… he and they deny any other physical (only cyber/phone) sexual conduct. The problems you are having are far to common today.

We could not disconnect from the Internet, as we need it for our jobs. So we took a different approach.. Accountability, radical honesty and no privacy (all MB concepts). I wanted to share with you what we have done so maybe you can get some useful ideas.

We installed keystroke-monitoring software on all of our computers (www.iopus.com). I password protected the software so he could not turn it off. We gave each other the passwords to all of our chat/email accounts and computers. For the first few months after d-day I checked his accounts several times a day – I was very insecure. Now I think about it once in a blue moon… I feel safe now. But when I do start to panic I just go look to reassure myself that all is well. Our cell phone and home phone bills list all calls. I keep a close eye on them.

Our finances are open and neither of us spends anything the other does not know about… again accountability.

Through snooping I’d gotten the buddy list from his AOL/IM account and contacted all of the women, told them that he was married, etc. He deleted all of his buddy lists and all email addresses that were not appropriate for him to have. Actually he allowed me to do it to reassure me that it was done.

We agreed that chatting and emailing with anyone other than a small list family members was not allowed.

If he had not taken such drastic measures, he knew he would have to leave.

Since he is using the phone with women calling him, you may want to put a voice activated recorder on your telephone too.

25 months after d-day we are in a good solid recovery and doing great. All of the above ‘safety’ measures are now just a part of our life.

I know all of this sounds a little harsh to some people, but radical honesty and no privacy has actually made us closer and more intimate. We have gown together by all of this.

Fee Fee,
I'm sorry for what you're going through in your life.

I second the advice already given here. Try and somehow change how the internet is set up in your home, or get rid of it completely.

I've seen a bit of this in my life, too. My A that broke up my marriage started on the internet.
If we hadn't had the internet, I'm sure I NEVER would have had an affair or be divorced. It just made it too easy to cross lines and talk openly with complete strangers. BTW, I now believe that exOM was another one of these men who had several internet connections going on, especially when we first met in 'real life'. I think by the end of our R he was into that again.

Take care, Fee Fee, and do get some help from a counselor or pastor for all that you're going through.

H_P

Fefe,

Where do I start? I am one from the 'other side'
and I am moved by your post. I have been through
hell because of my former 'addiction' and am still recovering. But through this, I hope to offer you some advice and insight. Please bear with me....

Five years ago I met a man in a chat room on the internet. I wasn't looking for anything...but HE was. I was so naive....The OM pursued me. I fit the bill for what he needed. I, in turn, found him interesting, worldly and alluring. I felt he opened up my world.(A need *I* unknowingly had.)

To make a long story short we became so connected...we fell in love and bonded. Furthermore, because he was internet savvy, he showed me the way in successfully 'hiding' it all from my unsuspecting H. After a year, we began to talk on the phone. A few months later...phone sex. We grew closer and closer... Then the need to meet in person became so strong that we eventually caved in. (The biggest mistake of my life) After I gave myself to him in that way, I felt there was NO turning back. He had all of me....hook, line and sinker. I felt I loved him SO much. It lasted for years...with many laisons and SO MANY compromises. I even became obcessive/compulsive with it.

Eventually, his wife filed for D because she "came out" as a lesbian. Consequently, he made me choose between my H and family....and him. And he wasn't willing to wait years for me.

I had the sense to choose my H. (THANK GOD)Although I am still withdrawing, I grieve most for allll of me that I gave away and compromised. I am left not feeling completely whole, but with the help of my H and my therapist, I am recovering more with every day.

First and foremost, I wish I would have said no and turned away. But if not that, I wish to God my H would have suspected something back in the beginning and confronted me. It would have saved me (and my H) so much heartache. I have some scars that may never heal. So does he.

FEFE - IF YOU WANT TO TRY TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE YOU NEED TO FOLLOW ALL OF THE ADVICE GIVEN HERE IN THE POSTS. Do not be passive.... do not
allow the addiction. Your H and your marraige are up against a powerful temptation. Confront him, watch his every move and if need be, give him an ultimatum. (A drastic measure- for a powerful addiction) Get rid of the computer or at least have key-stroke monitering. Go to marriage counseling and find out what your H and your M may be missing in order for him to search for that fulfillement elsewhere.

I know first-hand what you are up against.
Keep posting for advice. Stay on top of it, take the initiative, be proactive. Demand nothing short of truth and honesty. Good luck.
You are in my prayers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by zorweb:
<strong>Fee-Fee,

We installed keystroke-monitoring software on all of our computers (www.iopus.com). I password protected the software so he could not turn it off. We gave each other the passwords to all of our chat/email accounts and computers. For the first few months after d-day I checked his accounts several times a day – I was very insecure. Now I think about it once in a blue moon… I feel safe now. But when I do start to panic I just go look to reassure myself that all is well. Our cell phone and home phone bills list all calls. I keep a close eye on them.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is the program I also have <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ! Admittedly, the pictures alone didn't bother me, but I guess it's that my self-esteem is so low (actually shot to hell would be the correct assessment) that now, it does bother me. There are somethings that still don't bother me like the Playboy Magazines. "Why" you may ask, because several of them are worth alot of money and if I thought we were in dire straits, I would sell a few and we could maybe have about $2000 dollars from the Marilyn Monroe issue. But those have been packed away.

I want it all illiminated because I just have this overwhelming feeling that it contributes to the evil we're currently stuck in. I'm not some looney toon, but I don't think that it is bringing anything useful to this household and I don't want it anywhere near me anymore. It is in a word destroying our relationship.

My goal of course is to strengthen what we already have (left) and keep it that way and in the meantime work on myself as well. I know he loves me. He has to seeing what we've been through in the past year. I mean, if you could look at it in a movie form, I'm sure some of you would say, "I couldn't deal with that." There are other factors that are making married life hard for the both of us. Financial, health (at least my health) and time. We don't have much of any of these and we all need time to spend it with each other.
Felicia <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Breeney

I think a part of your personal healing will be doing things like this: Helping others by sharing your story.

Good for you!

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by breeney3:
<strong>Fefe,

FEFE - IF YOU WANT TO TRY TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE YOU NEED TO FOLLOW ALL OF THE ADVICE GIVEN HERE IN THE POSTS. Do not be passive.... do not
allow the addiction.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is (what I can see) is the problem. I was passive and thought all those times he would actually stop and at some points he did. But I'm not going to let his lies control what I think anymore. I want him to take my feelings into consideration and I want him to respect those feelings.

Internet filter is next on my list of things to get and I certainly will be looking into them and making sure that nothing is going to keep me from NOT saving my marriage.
Felicia <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />