i thought the peace talks were going good and there were signs but nope.after finally being able to sit down civilly , she tells me last night to find a place to live.she says she wants to work on it but doesnt want us in the same house.cant really afford to support 2 places. im suppose to pay rent and hand over my paycheck to pay for the house.shes talkin ayear??!! i dont see us lastin a year totally apart,not to mention our 5 yr old daughter. she wants me to sign some papre that says im not deserting her. she i be talkin to a lawyer? i think once they get involved it will become a battle and we will start workin away from marriage.is it she just wants time and maybe not a year?help i need advice.

I would agree with her request for you to leave the house IF you were still engaged in your A, but that is not the case anymore, is it?.

You have a right to stay in your house, not only because it's also your house, but because your 5 year old daughter needs you to be there for her.

You are correct that once you two are separated the chances will increase that the separation will become permanent and eventually lead to a divorce.

DON'T MOVE OUT AND DON'T SIGN ANYTHING LEGAL that will put your marriage in jeopardy. If your W can't stand to be in the same house with you, then let her move out and file for separation/divorce.

I'm going through something similar...the only advive I can give is don't leave. My W has asked me to leave then I found out she was having an A. It's a long story I had an A 3 years ago and we have been in counselling but this was her second A since mine. Back to you, it stinks when only one person wants the marriage to work but give her some space live your life and show her that you have made changes and let her build her trust for you. My W wants me to leave the house and kids. My attitude now is if you want to end the marriage I can't stop you from leaving but I'm not going anywhere. she doesn't like to hear it but thats how i feel.....stay strong

I agree with CoffeeMan -

Once separation is done, it makes it a WHOLE LOT HARDER! If your W can't stand to be around you, then she should be the one to leave.

I wouldn't tell you to run right out and sign any legal document right yet, but I may suggest that you get legal advice (to see what your rights are) just in case...

However, keep in mind, these are just OUR opinions.

SH

My intuition is this:

Your porn activities have made your W feel dirty ..... sort of cross-contaminated by what you've done.

She feels the need to "clean up" her home, her life, herself... and since YOU are seen as the original infection .... she wants you gone.

Try to imagine how this feels for her. "Dirty".

Now, come up with a scheme to de-contaminate your home with you still in it. Make an effort to de-louse for her. Clean the home. Bring freshness into your lives. Bring innocence into your lives.

THINK of ways to do this.

A spiritual rebirth.

Pepper

I UNDERSTAND THATS SHES HURT AND ANGRY.IM SURE SHE WANTS TO BE ALONE-TO SOME DEGREE.TWO NIGHTS AGO SHE CALLED ME BECAUSE SHE WAS LONELY. BUT I WAS OUT OF CELL AREA AT A MARRIED BUDDIES HOUSE.SHE ONLY IMAGINED I WAS AT MOTEL WITH WOMAN.NO!! A LITTLE BACKGROUND IVE [talkin] TO OLD FLAME.SHES CONSIDERING THAT THE AFFAIR BUT IVE ALSO BEEN TO MASSAGE PARLORS (HAND RELEASE NOTHING MORE)PLAN A IS DONE AS IM CONCERNED NO CONTACT WITH OLD FLAME NO PARLORS.SHE THINKS IM ADDICTED AND CANT JUST STOP OR I WOULDVE A LONG TIME AGO.SHE SAID WE GO TO OUR SEPERATE COUNSELORS AND WHEN THE COUNSELOR SAYS SHE NEEDS TO BE THERE OR VICE VERSA WAS WHEN WE WOULD BE IN SAME ROOM. I KNOW SOME HAVE SAID STAY THERE BECAUSE ONCE GONE -ITS DONE OTHERS SAY IF YOU WANT IT GIVE HER THE SPACE. ?????????

Stupid,

change you name...OR...continue and feed the thought process of your last post...and keep it...

...because if you get your knickers in a bind over her demands..which will come fast and furious at you....be dramatic and irrational at times...lots and lots of different emotions are gonna be coming your way....you are in for the ride of your life...

YOUR ACTIONS...not one ounce of verbage is what will define you...and what you WANT to define you....

SHE ONLY IMAGINED I WAS AT MOTEL WITH WOMAN.NO!! A LITTLE BACKGROUND IVE [talkin] TO OLD FLAME.SHES CONSIDERING THAT THE AFFAIR BUT IVE ALSO BEEN TO MASSAGE PARLORS (HAND RELEASE NOTHING MORE)

talking logically...do you really expect her to believe the words...when for so long your actions were repeated disrepect to her...
really...really think what else should she be thinking??? YOU would think the same if the tables were turned...

IF you want this marriage back...then YOU have to change...
you have to be accountable...even if it means not going out of cell range...
do physical things that prove her wrong not words...
get a better cell phone..
get a beeper that makes you reachable 24/7
Don't go to married friends house without telling her that's where you will be..
simple simple things that SHOW not speak of accountability...

Don't like it...to bad...it is the made you made by your actions...

PLAN A IS DONE AS IM CONCERNED NO CONTACT WITH OLD FLAME NO PARLORS.SHE THINKS IM ADDICTED AND CANT JUST STOP OR I WOULDVE A LONG TIME AGO

That is a logical thought of hers...why didn't you stop before...you are accountable for those actions....
Her question is legitimate and if you want to work this out then you better be ready for some soul searching and facing some uncomfortable things about yourself...

gloss over it...believe that confessing and moving on as if it never happens works then you are doomed to fail..visiting your child on weekends and holidays....

So your plan A of saying you have stopped doing this or that and expecting that be enough is not gonna work...

Do YOU want to become the HUSBAND and FATHER that is not the type with old flames...and massage parlors on their to-do list...then YOU have to do the work...

I realize I am coming at you with both barrels loaded..but I can not believe at the first of many tantrums and emotional rollercoasters your wife is going to go through and throw at you....makes you want to bail out....

She needs to process a whole lot of emotions...you need to weather the storm....and if you do this right ..you both will pass through this stage..

she is grieving her marriage...she is grieving who she thought you were...

she is grieving over what she has lost...

be accountable..
move out of the bedroom if she insists but not out of the house..
be there for your child..
be kind and understanding...
DO NOT LIE

People here will help...lots of overcome ...
all here have grown and changed for the better...

change your attitude
change your plan of giving up on plan a and go back and read it again and again till you get it...
change YOU...
then change your name...cause like Forrest said..
stupid is as stupid does...
leave your stupid actions and in the past...

ARK

ark i take your point. i need to accept responsibility and go foward. i know she will be uop and down and if i want it to work ill have to deal with it constructively.i have an appt with a professional next week. i started a journal that accounts for my time.we havnt slept in the same bed for 2 1/2 weeks and im fine with that.im most concerned with her wanting me to leave the house which of done for the past5 days. she wants it longer like a year.thats my biggest problem with the situation.

LOVE THE NAME CHANGE!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

lots and lots of hard work...

get surviving the affair book...

consider no heavy relatioship talk...and doing things for her she enjoys...

not necesarrily lovey dovey touchy feely things...but concrete actions...
cook her something she likes.
plant a flower or rose bush for her...
bring her a favorite candy...and just leave it for her...

YOu know people imagine and sometimes it is true that the WS declared and did all these tokens of love...for the other person..while doing nothing of such for the spouse...

imagine the pain you would feel if YOUR wife was doing kind sweet things for another man...it hurts....

do things for her...actions....
Go get her dessert from a favorite restaurant of hers...
buy a book she loves in hard back to keep...

tokens....small gifts no strings attached...
don't expect anything but rejection..but push past YOUR fear of rejection and do it anyways...

glad to see back on track..
tighten the seat belt...
get back home...
ARK

Just a point on accountability…. A journal would have done nothing to help me regain faith in my husband after his affairs… it’s too easy to fake and it would not have been there when I needed it.

He made himself available by cell at all times. My H traveled a lot, the cell helped ‘cause I could call him even at dinner or times I knew he was not working. Any time I was panicky, as in I worried that he was out to dinner with one of his women, I’d just call him knowing that if he was out with a woman there was no way he could talk to me the way I’d take the conversation…. It worked.. Actually turned into a lot of fun ‘cause I teased him a lot. We made sure to call each other several times a day and always tell each other where we were. Now we always tell each other where we are going, when we will be back and we live by that.

He gave me the passwords for all of his email and chat accounts, his computers, etc.

Do you see what I’m getting at… he gave me total access to his life and total accountability for his time. Opening up your life to her will help her gain some degree of safety and it will eventually help you earn trust.

i went home last night and she wasnt there, but i knew she was going awat with our daughter for the weekend.she left a long letter and her wedding rings. she wants me out.she wants a legal seperation where i leave.if i get better in a year she will evaluate then to get back togther.i dont mind giving some time but a year is too long. do i dare to get a lawyer.she has. i keep thinkin if i do, then things will get really heated and there will be no choice,but i dont also dont want to lose everything ive worked for. help

I left. Once you leave it's next to impossible to get back in, into the house and into their heart. She can shut you out of her life. I would give anything to go back and stick it out at home for a while longer at least. From all that I've read at MB, the marriages that are saved are the ones where people do NOT live apart. I recently got quoted a statistic that 80% of people who separate never get back together. Don't move out!! As the very wise TooMuchCoffeeManSaid, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DON'T MOVE OUT AND DON'T SIGN ANYTHING LEGAL that will put your marriage in jeopardy. If your W can't stand to be in the same house with you, then let her move out and file for separation/divorce. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GO HOME NOW. Don't live elsewhere for another minute.

I think you should continue with the journal. Even if she doesn't seem to care that you are accounting for your time, it's probably very helpful to you to feel better about yourself to keep documenting that you are spending your time doing worthwhile and appropriate things, not going to massage parlours, etc.

In my opinion, it would be fine for you to talk to a lawyer so you feel better informed about your legal options.

GO HOME. DON'T LEAVE AGAIN.

Take care and good luck,

Jen