It's been a long time since I have posted. It's coming on a year since D-day. To refresh my story I will keep it short, on Memorial Day last year I came down with a horrible infection that I discovered was Herpes thanks to my H infedility. I have since gone thru therapy, gotten on anit-deppresants, etc. but I still haven't gotten back to my normal self. I have started drinking, (alot), not going to church and the worst of all is gambling on the internet. I sometimes think that I am doing this to self destruct because I cannot deal with the situation that my H has put me in. The anger that I have had over the past year has not gone away one bit. I just do not know what to do. I feel helpless, desperate, and worthless!!
I have always been a strong person, I have been through many things in my life but this is something that I can't seem to conquer.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I have 3 teenage children that I love very much and I would never want to do anything to hurt them. How am I to get over this? It's been a year and I don't seem to see any break in my anger. I feel I am doing self destructing things only to get back at my H but I am only hurting myself in the process. WHAT AM I TO DO?????

<small>[ April 25, 2003, 10:26 PM: Message edited by: Feeling Tainted ]</small>

Jazzeygirl,

Thank you for your reply. I guess to get to know me better I WAS the typical mom, room mother, carpool, clean house, always involved but had a full-time job in the process. I never knew my M was in danger of an A. My H had an A with a co-worker (who was not at all anyone that he would ever want to spend the rest of his life with) this was just something that he got off on, if you will, it was the excitment that made him do it, no emotion at all. I met her and I truly belive this. My H has been so humble, ashamed, sorry, etc. The last year has probably been the best as far as emotional affection for both of us but there has also been so much hurt for me to get to this point. I Love him so much at time but at other time I hate him so much I do not know what to do. That is why I feel I am losing my mind.

I have been on anti-d since October and I have been trying to got off of them but I am scared. I have gotten to the point that I only have emotional outbreaks about every month and a half now and I do not want to back slide.

I know I am hurting myself with the bad habits I have acquired since all this has happened but again I feel that since he has blessed me with a sexual disease that I am not worth anything anymore. I always felt so pure and innocent before, never unfaithful, actually I do not know what it is like to be with anyone else. Sometimes the thought of wanting to know what it is like to be with someone else drives me crazy since all this has happened.

Can yau'll see now why I feel I am losing my mind??

Please give advise

Hi Feeling Tainted

I guess is about time that you either express your anger to your H and start to let go, or change counseling and strategy in your recovery.

It seems to me that after this long you are not better in those LB's issues.

I guess that you might drink because you are angry or think you are worthless. But although the alcohol might let you forget all this mess for a little while in the long run you are just deteriorating further your relationship and your life. Also the gambling... I got myself some of a problem with alcohol too.

The real question here is when is enough to stop?

Is an addiction and you have to treat it like that because as much as you think you can control it, you can not and you need help for those.

Another question here is what are you willing to loose until you stop? Because you know deep down in you, this can not escalate that much until you start loosing things in life, like work, husband, kids and in the ultimate state life?

Maybe I'm not the best advisor here because I'm dealing with it but anyhow I'll give some...

Do not mix antideps and alcohol.

Do not switch alcohol for antideps. You are not going to get hooked on those and if you do you deal with it later. So keep taking them.

Seek professional help on addictions and anger managment.

Try to join an AA group if you are strong enough to got there.

Buy the book "Many roads one Journey" and read it.

Get help from friends and family.

Try to get closer to God again.

If you can meet us at the ladies board for some chat, this has been very helpfull for me and I got a hangout to chat and keep me away from alcohol. Here is the URL:

http://pub4.ezboard.com/bmarriagebuildersladies

But besides of all you have to take care of your mind and body. Don't try to to prove yourself how bad you feel doing even worst things. It does not worth to pay the price.

Take care

<small>[ April 26, 2003, 02:19 AM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

FT,

Have you told your doctor and therapist the state you are in? There is a very good possibility that you either need your meds adjusted or that you need a different med. Recovery from an affair is an emotional roller coaster, but you should not be in this self-destruct mode. As you have said, it means that you are in a very bad place.

Mixing meds and alcohol could have terrible affects. You really need to stop it. It’s a form of self-medicating, further pointing to a need to adjust your meds.

“Sometimes the thought of wanting to know what it is like to be with someone else drives me crazy since all this has happened.” I went through this two, the thoughts drove me crazy. I really did not want to have an affair, I did not even know who I’d have one with, but it was like my mind was possessed.

Is your husband aware of what is going on with you? The thoughts of an affair, the gambling and drinking? You really do need to tell him and get his help. There is an advantage to this, it will give him a chance to atone for what he did and give you a chance to see that he really does care for you.

When I went through the time where thoughts of having an affair were driving me nuts I talked to my husband about it. It hurt him the first time I said it. He was hurt and shocked. I assured him that I did not want to, that instead it was as though my mind was trying to find some way to self medicate and I needed his help to get rid of torment. You could do the same with the drinking and the gambling.

Don’t rush getting off the meds either. What I’ve been told is that it’s advisable to stay on them for at least one year to give your body and mind a chance to heal. And then get off of them very slowly.

Something to contemplate… when a person holds onto something hurtful (anger, depression, etc) for a long time it’s because they are gaining from it. The gain is often a high degree of control other the relationship. Sometimes it’s used to punish or ‘pay back’ others. And sometimes we use it as a way to set up a wall so that we cannot be hurt again. You may want to think of what payoff you are getting from the anger and self-destruction.

Recovery from an affair takes 2-5 years. The first two years can be horrible. You have the added problem of having contracted Herpes. Be patient and gentle with yourself.