after being on the fence of what to do she has just made my mind up. i just got off the phone with her.she said she did not want to work on it. she was done with it all.so i guess ill be staying in the house til its sold. she said if i stayed thehouse would be put up on the market.she didnt even try, i thought 10 yrs would mean more.

Listen well, your story is NOT unique. There are many that have heard the same thing from BS and WS alike, only to find that a few weeks and months later, their S changes his/her mind.

Right now your BW is like a recently wounded animal that lashes at the source of her pain (you) and no amount of sweet words on your part will get thru her emotionally.

Don't beg, plead, threaten, not only will it not work but it is counterproductive to your desire to save and rebuild your M. In upcoming conversations agree totally with what she says (even though you feel like screaming out the opposite) but DO NOT let her force you to sign ANY type of legal paper and tell her that if she wants to end the M, SHE should do all the work.

Your story is very reminiscent of marathonman's story in his thread titled She's never coming back.. I really want to save M.. MB vets please..please help me!! except that his W is the WS and he the BS. I suggest that you read it, for you may find a lot of similarities to your own story, and plenty of good advise that may be applicable to your situation.

RH,

Your name would fit me too.

Give your W time, o.k. Believe me I know that this is tough but stay strong. Did you screw up? Yes you did. You cant make up for what you did but you can change how you do things from now on.

You wife is going to do what she wants just like you did. At this time there a lot of decisions being mad on emotions and thase change quicker than the sheets at a bordello(sorry for any triggers) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You can't change her mind or her heart. She is hurt right now and probably pretty angry. So give her time. If you could I would be the one to move out because it doesn't seem like you want to sell the house.

She probably did try. Maybe you didn't notice but I bet she did. Is it selfish to ask her to try and work on this now? You pulled out of the marriage emotionally and now you want back in. I am sure she doesn't trust you new found dedication to the M and her. Be consistent with your actions towards her.

Good luck my friend and God Bless

thanks everybody for the ideas and support. im just as she is when it comes to being on a fence.my stomach is in such knots-hard to eat anything... i know i shouldnt leave and make her decide what she wants but i keep hoping that if i go away even for a couple of weeks-not signing anything maybe it will help the situation a little.what does everyone think -me leave for 2 weeks-still coming over to see and play with my daughter.

Remorseful

Hello from rainy London. Listen, don't give up yet. D-day for your wife was very very recent. You will probably not yet understand the pain she is in through discovery. Whilst I understood immediately, it took a while to sink in exactly what she was going through.

Listen to CoffeeMan - he has excellent advice and has been around for, well eons <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> (sorry, CM, you know I only mean this in the nicest possible way!!!).

Now, all the things she is saying are totally natural - I know it currently feels if you and she are the only ones in this position, but your not. All our situations have the same under-lying issues and concerns. Have you ordered SAA yet or His Needs Her Needs? Get these books, and read read read. Do not try to under-estimate how she feels or how she might react. Does she know you have found MB? Is she willing to try councilling?

CM is right - do not sign anything and if she wants to end your R, let her try to go about doing that. Don't move out, don't go anywhere. My H was very much the same after the initial d-day - I think it is completely natural that she may want space from you. You need to show her by actions, not just words how remorseful you are and what you are prepared to do to put it right (in essence, anything that she may need you to do).

Good luck, and don't give up the fight.

Lisa

P.S. Just a practical thing about MB, you seem to have a few threads going at once, and I wasn't sure where to post. Maybe stick to one thread for a while until it becomes too big because there may be others like me who then don't post because they are uncertain where to go.

DIDNT REALIZE ABOUT THE THREADS-ILL DO THAT.YOU SAY TO DO WHAT EVER SHE WANTS BUT HER BIGGEST THING IS FOR ME TO GET OUT SO WE CAN SELL HOUSE-ITS NOT THE HOUSE IM WORRIED ABOUT. ITS SHE SAYS SHE WILL MOVE OUT THEN AND PUT HOUSE UP.ONCE THATS DONE-ITS GOING TO BE HARD TO WORK ON THINGS,IF SHES NOT THERE.I KNOW EVERYONE SAYS STAY-BUT IF THAT PUSHES HER HARDER IN A BAD DIRECTION-I HAVE THIS SMALL HOPE SHE WILL WANT IT TO WORK BUT IT KEEPS GETTING SMALLER.AT THIS POINT SHE SAYS SHE WONT GO TO MC.

RH, i think she wants you to leave because she is too furious and hurt right now to even think about working things out with you. You know the situation best, but if I were in your shoes, I would go stay with a friend for a couple of weeks while she calms down. She needs to get over the feeling that she would be a chump to keep you, so its important that you be as loving as possible [without being annoying] in the next 2 weeks whenever you see her.

I would also avoid signing anything because I dont think this seperation is permanent. I suspect that once you leave for a few days, she will calm down and reconsider the situation. But your absence will show her how very serious a separation and possible divorce really is. I don't think she sees that now because she is so blinded by her anger and pain.

I THINK DEPENDING ON THE REST OF THE WEEKEND I WILL TRY AND GIVE HER SOME TIME 2-4 WEEKS. QUESTION FOR YOU ALL.HER LAWYER SENT ME A LETTER THAT SAID I HAD 10 DAYS TO RESPOND-WHAT USUALLY HAPPENS IF I DONT. RP I SORT OF KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN LAST WEEK SHE WANTED TO DO NOTHING TO DO WITH ME BUT OTHER TIMES SHE WANTED TO HUG.BUT THE GIVING THE WEDDING RINGS BACK AND DEAR JOHN LETTER WAS PRETTY HARD

RH
Accept the response and seek counsel. Give her time and space. It would have been a positive response on your part to have let you stay in the house with your daughter cause then she would have been reminded of you all the time. Now she gets the chance to see if she can be alone and without you and the memories. All she has now is questions without answers. Part of the fear of leaving a H is knowing if you can make it alone. I should know, I have been in a poor marriage for 20 years cause the H would not leave after the ??affair.
God Bless You and Your family
NR

Hi Rem,

U know, sometimes when we have a small cut, some act like it is the end of the world until they meet someone with a broken arm.

The point is that your W may think the worst has happened and in a sense it has. However, if you are wiling to work on it, then it is not the worst that could happen. So how to use this info?

Well print out or introduce her to some of the stories here.

Let's see, Goldilocks, Peach, JenBrown and many others are going through a lot right now. Let her read some of their stories. To have a 'remorseful H' is a blessing to some of us. More than we have on our plates right now.

For others we now have 'remorseful H's' but it took a lot out of us even after coming to MB and I for one am plum tired. So she can write to even oldies but goodies like me, Melody Lane, Zorweb, BrambleRose, Lor, Cali, etc and see what we have gone through.

Have her take that walk down here at the MB recovery board or even in the GQII/plan a/b, justfoundout or d/d sites. See will see us in various stages of discovery then recovery.

There are 2 different kinds of recovery: Personal and marital. Personal is under the control of each person but marital requires the cooperation of both the H and W. This comes as each relinquishes their BS and WS titles.

Just something to think about.

L.

MEAN LAST WEEK SHE WANTED TO DO NOTHING TO DO WITH ME BUT OTHER TIMES SHE WANTED TO HUG.

our MC described this anomoly to my husband and I as the Yo Yo effect.

I had it bad. I left my husband for a number of weeks and even contacted a solicitor. WHen my husband and I re-established contact ( due to his persistance and patience). I hated him one minute.. and then loved him the next. The reason the yoyo effect comes into play is as soon as we get close to the source that hurt us...we instinctively remove ourselves and lash out.. because we have placed ourselves In a postion where we are most vunerable...so we move away.. then get drawn back....

You have a chance to shorten her yoyo string everytime she moves towards you... plan A your butt off.... There is a chance.. and its a big one.

Your wife has been wounded deeply. And she is reacting the only way she knows how at present.There is an art to recovery and it starts with learning how to deal with what we have been dealt... none of us are born with thse skills.. we have to learn them....little by little.Many arnt even aware a marriage can be rebuilt after such a betrayal.. but they can.. and they can become stronger than ever....its just a lot of hard work to get there... so start working ! ( thats an order <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

I do wish you well.

Take care Dino.

WELL WE TRIED TO TALK LAST NIGHT. DIDNT GO WELL . AT ALL. SHE SAID WE WOULD TALK LATER (EARLIER IN THE DAY) I GET HOME SHE DOESNT SHOW UP TIL AFTER 7(BEEN THERE AN HR).I STARTED WITH WHAT WE WERE GOING TO DO ABOUT BILLS AND SUCH. THAT WENT ALRIGHT THEN SHES LIKE THERES NOTHIN ELSE TO TALK ABOUT. SHE S DONE WITH THE MARRIAGE. DOESNT WANNA WORK ON IT.JUST WANT TO LIVE THERE FOR NOW (1 YEAR) TILL DIVORCE CAN GO THROUGH.THEN IT GOT HEATED AND SHE STARTED BASHIN ME. I SAID WANNA TRY AND SHE SAID NOPE -SHE SHUT DOWN.PACKED SOME THINGS AND WENT OUT THE DOOR."RUN AWAY LIKE YOU USUALLY DO" I SAID. EVERYTIME WE GET IN AN ARGUEMENT SHE SHUTS DOWN AND WALKS AWAY OR GOES AWAY FOR A WHILE.

IS SHE REALLY DONE YOU THINK OR STILL LASHIN OUT.IVE BEEN LOOKIN FOR A PLACE BUT TO NO AVAIL. SHE SAYS "I GUESS YOU COME OUT ON TOP AGAIN" HER TRANSLATION BECAUSE I HAVNT LEFT YET AND SHE HAS TO GO FROM FREINDS HOUSE TO HOUSE. YES HER MOM LIVES NEXT TO WHERE SHE WORKS AND THEY GET ALONG.ANY SUGGESTIONS

Remorseful

I'm sorry to hear that your last chat with your wife didn't go so well. Have you suggested that you should try MC? I think if you could get together to MC it would definitely help - even if in the worse case scenario she doesn't think she can make the M work.

Tell her again that you are so very sorry. Tell her, that would she at least consider talking to a third party to see if the M can be saved, or if not, have someone who can help you both through this painful time.

Have you printed anything from this site for her, got a copy of SAA? I think you will have to be careful how you explain to her, not "See loads of people are in your position". Tell her you know you can't understand what she is going through, but you want to help her in whatever way you can and would she consider looking at some of the materials.

Don't give up yet, and I have to say it would be very hard to move out and then reconcile (believe me, it didn't work for me). If you move out, would she be willing to date and go to MC, just to see? Remember she is hurt beyond anything you can understand.

Keep trying and keep your chin up.

Lisa

ACTUALL LISA I DID SAY LETS GO TO MC. I SAID GIVE 30 DAYS TO SHOW YOU I CAN CHANGE, LIVE IN BASEMENT SHED WHEREEVER. NOPE SHE WANTS ME OUT. DID TALK TO HER TODAY AND SHE WANTS ME TO COME OVER AND WATCH OUR DAUGHTER.AT LEAST WE WERE CIVIL AND SHE SAID I CAN SPEND THE NIGHT BECAUSE SHE HAS TO WORK LATE,AND IT WOULD BE TOO LATE TO GO THEN.IS THIS TYPICAL YOYO? IS IT NORMAL FOR THE BETRAYED SPOUSE TO NOT WANT IT TO WORK? IM SO CONFUSED..IM TRYING TO TAKE IT DAY BY DAY AND NOT LOOK INTO THE FUTURE ANY. IM LEAVING FOR LIKE 2-3 MONTHES AND RE-EVALUATE THEN. SHE NEEDS TIME TO SQUARE HER HEAD AND I DONT WANT TO PUSH HER FURTHER AWAY. MORE COMMENTS PLEASE
SEAN

Oh dear Remorseful. I wish I could be more helpful, I'm not very experienced, I can only relate to you how things happened between my H and I. I think one very important thing that people here point out is that don't try and interpret every last thing, try and look for patterns of behaviour which may give you a better understanding of where your spouse is. I have to say I think it IS typical that BS's behave like yo-yos. I still keep text messages from my H when he was supposedly trying which say "I love you but this will never work". I guess that was always the message from him, that it will never work.

It is still early days. Perhaps you can look to stay with friends. Did you print anything out from here? Could you ask her whether she may post here? She doesn't have to mention you, she can come and post anonymously as we all do.

Keep posting, keep bumping up for the other more clever people. I really do know how you are suffering. Stupid stupid, foolish, destructive behaviour right? Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. But, it will get better.

Take care.
Lisa