Hi all,
I just have a question and this is really getting me upset.

My son is 23years old and lives on his own. It has always been a habit of my kids to take things if they needed them. No matter what. If there are things laying around and they can use them, they will just take them without telling us or replacing them.

Example: I bought coins for the sun-tan studio and I put them on the kitchen cupboard. I know that they are there and when I need them, I know where they are.

Now son comes for a visit and we are out of the house. When we arrive home, our son is gone. He comes back awhile later and says he went to the sun tan studio.
I asked him if he taken some of the coins and he says: Yes, why, do you have a problem with that???

I swallow and say: Well, I'm really used to you just taking what you need and yes I do have a problem with you just taking things without even asking.

My H doesn't seem to have a problem with this kinda behaviour but I do!!!
I want my kids to ask and not to just take things.
I find this behaviour very unrespectfull.

This really makes me crazy and mad!!!!!!

Any ideas how I can solve this? It isn't a matter of how much things cost it's the fact that they just take what they need and don't see why this isn't right.
My children actually get very defensive when I try to talk about this and when I explain that this is not respectfull. They just don't seem to understand what I am trying to get into their heads.

take care bb

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

You are correct. This is disrespectful.

Have your son replace the coins.

You are a person too. This is something your son would never like done to him.

Common sense.

Pep

blondblossom,

Yes, it is very disrespectfull. Worst your H is not helping. However ... there are two vents in here. One is about your son behavior. One is about your H's enabeling behavior. Make sure you separate the two and deal separately.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Any ideas how I can solve this? It isn't a matter of how much things cost it's the fact that they just take what they need and don't see why this isn't right.
My children actually get very defensive when I try to talk about this and when I explain that this is not respectfull. They just don't seem to understand what I am trying to get into their heads.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>
Go and visit them and take one thing that they will need eventually, borrow them all, leave a note in its place (explaining they should not be ok with it) and wait <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . When does this behavior start bothering you ?. Why it doesn't bother you before ? Why now ?. How is your recovery doing with H ?.

-rh-

<small>[ April 27, 2003, 08:38 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Hi Blondblossom,
It is disrespectful. I am the same way as you with my children in that I usually don't mind them using or borrowing something, but please ask first!

However you did say at the beginning of your post,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It has always been a habit of my kids to take things if they needed them. No matter what. If there are things laying around and they can use them, they will just take them without telling us or replacing them.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess the word 'habit' threw me off, as it shows it's been going on a long time. I am assuming that it's a habit you've tried to break. On the other hand, is it something you used to accept? I wouldn't accept this type of behavior at all, and I would ask that he replace those coins for the suntan salon.

You said that your kids get defensive when you talk about it to them. Let them get any way they want--pout, whatever--but don't back down. This is just plain old disrespectful and selfish on their part.

Take care,
H_P

BB

Yes, this is very disrespectful - it is almost akin to stealing (sorry, I don't mean this to be a DJ, but I am trying to explain). If they took money from you purse without asking, what would you think? My girls even ask to use the phone when they come into my house.

I think RH's idea is great. But I also think you need to get your H on side. Tell him you need his support to deal with this issue (as you would any issue around your children whatever their age). He needs to back you up in this because otherwise they will not think you are serious "Oh Mum's just over-reacting, Dad's cool about it, so it's not a problem really"

Good luck and let us know.

Lisa

It has always been a habit of my kids to take things if they needed them. No matter what.

Yes, it is disrespectful. However, you may find it hard to break this as he is 23 and apparently been doing this for a while. I agree w/ the other poster who stated go to his house and 'borrow" something he will soon need.

Also perhaps "borrow" something from your H and maybe he will get the idea and help support you. Good luck to you. tew

Disrespectful and creating bad habits. Your children go out and do this to others and they could land in jail......

Where is that golden rule when you need it?

I understand a parent wants to give their children everything but doesn't that include giving a lesson on decency and respect?

JMHO,
L.

BB, I think your son's age has a lot to do with this being inappropriate, he's an adult, assuming he's employed and able to buy his own tanning? This is just mooching.

A 16 year old doing this, understandable, their synapses are still forming <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

It doesn't seem like too much to ask the kids to ask. If you H doesn't mind random mooching, let them borrow all of his stuff they want, preferably his tools or golf clubs!

Hi all,

I'd like to thank you all for your responses.

I had a long talk with my H and I think we have now made another step into "recovery". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

When I read the replys, I knew that I was not "overreacting" and it surely helped me to stay on track. Thanks again all of you.

redhat
I'd like to tell you that I was for sure aware that we had 2 problems here and the most "serious" problem was between my H and I.

When we were talking I noticed all the "old" feelings that I have always had come up again.
I saw that my H was "reacting" as he had always throughout many years.

He responded with "anger" and started to "pull-away".
He had done this as long as I can remember and therefore it always seemed to be "my problem."

I brought up many "examples" from the past and problems we had had due to our kids behaviour.

Slowly but surely he started to realize that since he had always been very "passive" he was avoiding conflict. My H started to "understand" how frustrated I was and how "deeply" this had affected our relationship.

Throughout the years I felt "let down" and "misunderstood" and this made me feel "unloved".
Since I felt "unloved" I started to withdraw and this again made my H feel "unloved" and "unappriated".

This is when the "Cycle of fullfilling Needs" started to break in our marriage. And one thing led to another.
My H had an affair with a woman that never had and never will have children.
Therefore she was able to make him feel "understood" without being able to read between the lines.

Anyways, I don't want to make this too long. We were able to talk about this all very deeply and we have now been able to find a solution that will make both of us comfortable.

My H now understands and sees the true problem. He now wants to "take over" and "draw the line" and I will be able to lean back and let go.

So again we have made another "positive" step, it was just a matter of communicating differently than we used to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

hugs
bb

blondblossom,

Hope you will have the same sucess with your son <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

-rh-

<small>[ April 29, 2003, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>