After 18 years of marriage, I discovered my wife's first affiar about 1 1/2 months ago. It lasted only 3 weeks. We both cleaned up our act, she dropped the OM, we both realize we wanted each other, and started rebuilding. <BR> As expected I was an emotional wreck, but its getting much easier now. My main problem was trusting her again, which I've decided to do. In almost every aspect now, things are going well, and I should be happy with what I have instead of worrying so much, but the betrayal totally blew me out of the water, and I am somewhat of a perfectionist. I want everything in our marriage to be in order.<BR> The only thing left on settled is she has told me she loves me, but doesn't think she's in love with me yet. I'll be the first to say that I'm to blame for that. For the last few years all she wanted is love, and because of my anger, I would not show her affection, touch her, or even sleep with her. She started dieing on the inside and I didn't even know it. Just because we've recommitted and getting back on track, I can't expect her to be instantly back in love with me. She says she has a mature love, but not the infactuation type of love she had for me before. She thinks it will adventually come back. We have GREAT sex now, she's warm, affectionate, caring, and I really should be happy with what she's giving. But it's real hard to look her in the eye knowing that she's not in love, especially after having an affair and blowing up my world. (sounds like a little anger there, but not really, just feeling the aftershocks). I guess my question is what happens if she never regains that love she had before I stopped showing I cared. What if I damaged her beyond repair. I surely could not go through life knowing that. If I just could come to terms with this, or she would tell me that she is in love with me again. Then I could honesty say we made it through the pain, and the present and future is good.

Give it time. It took time for this situation to happen it will take time for it to fix. Be patient.

RWC,<P>I guess I'm one of those hopeless romantics that believes love can always come back. I think that as long as you are consistently loving ans caring towards her that 'love feeling' will come back. <P>You probably already know, but as a reminder be sure to show her how much you love her outside the bedroom. This type of affection from my H has been so helpful to me. I guess I'm speaking about the hugs, the notes, the listening that he does/gives etc to me.<P>For some time I know that I felt literally dead inside. It took time for me to feel that flicker of a spark. It would then come and go...then finally it started (even just within the last couple of months) to burn steady. <P>Good luck to you!<P>-janet<BR><p>[This message has been edited by rjr #2 (edited September 14, 1999).]

Dear RWC:<BR>There you go being a perfectionist again. All good things take time. You are really lucky that she is trying to make this marriage work and that you are both having great SEX. Stop concentrating on "what if".... What if you find soemone and leave...What if you ...What if she....It's too monotonous. Your worrying to much and concentrating on the wrong thing. Now that both of you are trying to work things out, go to a marriage counselor to make it even better. Just because you both are trying together, don't think you don't need to go to one. You have issues, that are very real about trust that need to be addressed. I can only say that time will heal all wounds. It may take along time, but, marriage is a contract that is for life. Be patient. I know you probably can't get that affair out of your mind, but, in time ...only in time...things will get better.

RWD,<P>I could make a bet on this one..you haven't damaged the marriage beyond repair to the point where your wife will not have romantic love for you again. I can almost guarantee that, from what you've said about her actions. It's a good thing, because you have time on your side here, your wife is with you and showing those positive signals. It's good that you're both taking the bull by the horns and have completely re-committed to the marriage. Here's the tricky side, she had an affair, and your world was rocked. Now you have to pick up the pieces and make reparations. But at least you have looked back and determined that there were some major things that could have been done differently which unfortunately led you both to the present. Like pondvj said, time and patience and showing her in little ways how much you love her will bring her back. You're already past halfway there. Good luck to you two!

rjr #2<P>You bet I have, just today I bought her a dozen roses and not one but 3 cards. (Couldn't decide which one I liked the best so I bought all of them!) I'm always leaving her love letters, I show much affection, even out of the bedroom. 2 weeks ago I suprised her with a romantic log cabin for the weekend, with a jacuzzi right next to the bed. <BR>So to answer your question, yes I'm not forgetting the little things....found a lot of love units for deposit that way!<p>[This message has been edited by RWC (edited September 14, 1999).]

RWC,<P>Holy smokes! I guess you've got THAT down!! That is execellent....<P>Yep, then it's just a matter of time for her heart to re-catch fire. It was there once it can be there again. Sounds like all the other ingredients are in the stew including the tabasco ! <P>Hang in there and good luck to you!<P>-janet